Jokes
SEEKING CHARITY...
--------------------
A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see
the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable
impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this
district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is
too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They
are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless
someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask
who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his
eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at
an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same
job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were
asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for
your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9
questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I
should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the American put
down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
I Spy
------
In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in
a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that
city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue
really contained the small niche the author had described.
To my great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped
letter was inside. After a moment's hesitation, I pulled
out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.
An unidentified reader had penned, "Good book,
wasn't it?"
For our first New Year's together as a married
couple, my wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie,
cheesecake or orange-date cake. "Pumpkin pie," I
requested. "We've been eating pumpkin pie since
Thanksgiving," Nancy protested. "Can't you choose
something else?"
"Okay," I replied, "how about cheesecake?"
Making a face, Nancy said, "After all that rich food
you ate over Christmas, surely you don't want
cheesecake."
Recognizing my limited options, I then selected
orange-date cake.
"Oh, I'm glad you chose that one," Nancy said.
"Orange-date cake is a New Year's tradition in our
family."
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise
was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracuz,
Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great
ship after New York. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about
the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so that they declared a National Day of
mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo
The young man had just gotten his driver's permit
and his father had agreed to take him out in the family
car for practice.
The son opened the driver's door and got in the car.
His father opened the back door and got in the car.
"Dad," said the lad, "aren't you going to sit up front
with me?"
"No," said the Dad, "I'm going to do what you've
done for the past fifteen years. I'm going to sit behind
you and kick the seat."
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students could visualize
the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying
on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd
throw up!"
List of Top 10 Caddy Comments:
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
. . And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Recall
-------
An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark. "Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
1) Don't miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to
do something really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs
to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with
the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed, float a while.
10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
professionals.
Getting Old
-----------
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying
the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been
dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one
side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a
long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the
arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led
to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he
called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water
brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the
traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road
and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,
he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked
as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against
a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a
place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the
gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump
with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself,
then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the
man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said......"The man down
the road said that was Heaven, too?"
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy
that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends
behind."
Texas Size
-----------
A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation.
One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel's bar.
Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, "Barkeep, I'd
like a beer."
The barkeep asks, "You want a Texas size beer?"
Without hesitation the northerner answers, "Yep! I want it
Texas sized."
The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel
of beer. The northerner looks in surprise at the size of
his beer. "Well, if I'm going to drink all this I better
get some popcorn."
"Texas size?" The barkeep ask.
Nodding the northerner says, "Yep! Texas size."
The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn
and puts it beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel
of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The northerner
sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, "Where's the
bathroom?"
The barkeep points down a hallway. "Just go down that hall and
take the first door on the left."
The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead
of taking the first door on the left he takes the first door on
the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch
and falls into the hotel swimming pool.
"HELP! HELP!" He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and
turns on the light.
The northerner in a panic cries out. "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"
Check Up Time
--------------
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a
check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good
shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute
your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and
that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the
mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad
when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old
and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact,
he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's
why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when
he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's
dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point
and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you
this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this
morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!
Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk
to sip so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk.
Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the
previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before
they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the
last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some
wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her
face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell
that cow!"
Children of the Eighties
--------------------------
We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost
generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just
where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.We are the ones who
played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and
gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut. We
collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies
and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a
little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with
streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to
build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big
enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark
enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was
all you needed. With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang
back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a
glove like Michael Jackson's. Today, we are the ones who sing along with
Bruce Stringsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We
recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a
great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and
Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and
Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong
affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and why did they take the
Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and
step-families, the Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the
Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated? We are the ones who still read
Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy
Blume, Richard Scarry and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were
ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes - preferably
hightop Velcro Reebox - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and
layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony
tails and rats' tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored
rubberbands made you cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served
only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids - we never drank New Coke.
Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a
princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy
but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump
Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman
or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the
Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot? Star
Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you
see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and
watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at
the store. AIDS was not the number one killer. We didn't start the fire,
Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the Dream, and those years
defined us. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and
not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's
that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the
first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the
children of the Eighties.
If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others...
NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or
ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL
believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
DOCTORS AND GUNS
------------------
Number of physicians in the US : 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000 Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 Number of gun owners in US: 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500 (all age groups) Accidental gun deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 Statistically doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners
FACT: not everyone has a gun but everyone has at least one doctor
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are...
1.Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2.You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3.The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are:
"I apologize" and "You are right."
4.Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5.When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6.The best advice that your mother ever gave you was.
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for
him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will
this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being
miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
And finally,
13. Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of
the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to
see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.
Grace Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to
become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
become Zip-Audi-Do-Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become
Mine-All-Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become
Fairwell-Honeychild.
3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
3-Penney-Opera.
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and
become Knott-NOW!
This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member,
please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
Your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work,
homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"
The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask,
"What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that it's a Buick.
"Okay, Lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask. She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
One of them gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it as she writes it ... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. Then one goes and gets it for her.
Yes, she was a blonde.
If you don't get it...draw a circle, write 710 inside of it. Now rotate the circle 180 degrees
Traffic sign in Florida mobile-home park:
GO SLOW ... GRANDPARENTS AT PLAY
Sales clerk to customer:
"These stretch pants come with a warranty of one year or 500,000 calories... whichever comes first."
Woman huddled under blanket on deserted, wind-swept beach to husband:
"Tell me again how much money we're saving with this off-season deal."
Man is the only animal that goes to sleep when he's not sleepy and gets up when he is. --Dave Gneiser
Some helpful hints and who would think.....
* Budweiser beer conditions the hair
* Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
* Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 min
* Mayonnaise will KILL LICE , it will also condition your hair
* Elmers Glue-paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see
the dead skin and blackheads if any
* Shiny Hair-use brewed Lipton Tea
* Sunburn -empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
* Minor burn-Colgate or Crest toothpaste
* Burn your tongue? put sugar on it!
* Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
* Bee stings - meat tenderizer
* Chigger bite - Preparation H
* Puffy eyes - Preparation H
* Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of
sutures at most hospitals)
* Stinky feet - Jello!!
* Athletes feet - cornstarch
* Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
* Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent
section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
* Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also
* Kool aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will
love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
* Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a
coffee filter paper
* Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
* Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can
in your garage for your hubby
* Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
* When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn
starch and watch them slide on
* Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
* Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in
the microwave, pour into a empty film container and mix with the food
color of your choice!
* Tie Dye T-Shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a
rubber band around a section of the t-shirt and soak
* Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and
1/2 cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for
many years!
* A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
* To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate
toothpaste
* Stay-Free Maxi Pads- clean window, floors, just stick to the palm
of your hands and work! Can also be used as a knee pad.
* Pampers as an absorbent! Remove stains from the carpet with club
soda, and a pamper to absorb. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and
watch it absorb into the salt.
* To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain,
it will absorb into the towel.
* Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with peanut butter!
* Baked on food -fill container with water, get a Bounce paper
softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on
food to adhere to it. Soak overnight.
Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
* Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
* Dirty grout - Listerine
* Stains on clothes - Colgate
* Grass stains - Karo Syrup
* Grease Stains- Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from
the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from batteries!
* Sweat Stains - Efferdent, or vinegar
* Use a Maxi-Pad in your cap as a sweat band (Of course I think I
would staple this or pin it in.... you wouldn't want this to drop on
the ground)
* Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand
for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
* To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer
aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually
turn white.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Summer in Florida
------------------
You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good
branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little
chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to
steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your
car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside
at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and
cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms
out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to
do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave
it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning
of Dreams."
AIRLINE LINES
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
< ---------- o ---------- >
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways
to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
< ---------- o ---------- >
Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so
I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings
it affects the flight pattern."
< ---------- o ---------- >
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride.
< ---------- o ---------- >
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
< ---------- o ---------- >
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
< ---------- o ---------- >
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
< ---------- o ---------- >
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our .compliments."
< ---------- o ---------- >
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
< ---------- o ---------- >
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
< ---------- o ---------- >
Know a lot of trivial facts? Know just about everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12 . "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14.. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
NOW you know everything... You could be a TEENAGER!!!
CHURCH SIGNS
-------------
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take
two tablets.
When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign
that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" --------- (U R)
Fun Math
----------
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Eye Exam
--------
I was performing a complete physical, including
the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye
with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. -Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
Stress affects all of us at one time or another. For me, the
work-at-home father of two youngsters, I find the most stressful
period falls between 7 a.m. and 10 p.m. The next time stress
strikes you may want to try a few of these stress-busting ideas.
Then again, you may not.
Top 10 Ways to Deal With Stressful Lives
1. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on the pot.
3. When someone says, "Have a nice day!" tell them you have other
plans.
4. Make a list of "things to do" that you have already done.
5. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
6. Have "Out to Lunch" tattooed on your forehead.
7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. Make up a new language and use it to ask people for directions.
10. Replace the cream filling of a Twinkie with ketchup, slip the
snack cake back into its wrapper and sit it on the kitchen
counter. Now all you have to do is wait and watch.
I'd love to give credit to the author of today's tongue-in-cheek
tips, but his/her identity has been lost in cyberspace.
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:
Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby
Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby
Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute: never opened - used once
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work...
--------------------------------------------------
You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002
You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis.
You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF
the island. . .
You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs. . .
People come into your office frequently... to borrow pencils
from your ceiling. . . .
No longer content with merely photocopying your derierre, you
now scan it and enhance it with Photoshop. . .
The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin
Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements. . .
More Reality
~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism.
~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty
cents?
~~~ I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and
handling.
~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to
make it normal.
~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears a
very close resemblance to the first.
~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a
month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I
wish you'd come to me sooner."
~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them
came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let's
put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL
LITTLE DOG.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL...1/2 SNEAKY
NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD,
PART STUPID DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED.
SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
Walk to school
--------------
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple
of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he
did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be
like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of
how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously
follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would
not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler
anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set
out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys
walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of
Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following
us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the
23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much.
And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
The Weakest Link......
Here is a very simple little test comprising of four questions
to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be
spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting
time. And no cheating.
Marks, set....GO!!!
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying
in second place. In which position are you now?
Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're
completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their
place, therefore you're coming second.
For the next question try not to be so dim.
2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now
in?
Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely
wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming
last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer
is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your
strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!
Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a
calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart!! (that was the dictionary's suggestion)
3 : Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again.
Plus 20. Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total ?
Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day!!
Although you should manage to get the last question right...
4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question
properly!
You are clearly the weakest link....GOODBYE
REAL WOMEN VS. MARTHA STEWART
Martha's way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake,you are probably lying on the couch, with your
feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!
Martha's way #8:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally the most important tip for the holiday season......
Martha's way #9:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????
Resusci-Annie
-------------
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a
CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie,
to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to
allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to
practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and
asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth
to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed,
"She said she can't feel her legs!"
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Supermancape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
WASHROOM
Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest
areas on the side of the road.
I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into
the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice
from the other stall............
Hi there, how is it going?
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with
strangers in washrooms sitting on a toilet. I didn't
know what to say, so finally I say:
-Not bad............
Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: -
Well, I'm going back east...............
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:
Look, I'll call you back--every time I ask you a question
this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!
It Will Kill You!
(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(d) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(e) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English
that kills you.
Disoriented
------------
As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to
check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented.
We decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, I questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness.
Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're
doing right now?"
He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the
ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50,
maybe 55."
Hidden Blessings
----------------
There was a king in Africa who had a close friend
that he grew up with. The friend had a habit of
looking at every situation that ever occurred in his
life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is
good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a
hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare
the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.
Examining the situation the friend remarked as
usual, "This is good!"
To which the king replied, "No this is NOT good!"
and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an
area that he should have known to stay clear of.
Cannibals captured him and took him to their village.
They tied him to a stake surrounded by wood.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they
noticed that the king had but one thumb. Being
superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less
than whole. They untied the king and sent him away.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event
that had taken his thumb and felt so very badly about
his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to
the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" he
said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And
he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just
happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to
jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"
"What do you mean, 'this is good'! How could it be
good that I sent you, my good friend, to jail for all
this time?"
"If I had not been in jail, I would have been
with you - and eaten!
Church Chips
-------------
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
Cookie Monsters
---------------
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was
stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the
speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a
ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious
chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper.
"What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you
were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
Don't Mess with Mom
--------------------
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D. "
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door
But the chance to teach a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best. "
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save that raging appetite,
and wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof above your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parent's Bill of Rights",
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?
Observations by a Senior Citizen
----------------------------------
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable
deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take
responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT,
upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the
senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of school,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or
The ambition out of achievement,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and
tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled
Banner? Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride
in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their
hearts!
Remember ... Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the heck happened!
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster
than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day
he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a
warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him
that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks
he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me
all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good
grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while
I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing
dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave
me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found
out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling
MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm
just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the
Warning Ticket.
You Know Your Way Around
------------------------
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You
really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
The End is Near
---------------
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
English is a hard language to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?
Your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
and one they missed.....
Why do we drive on a PARKWAY, and park in a DRIVEWAY?
Management Lesson?
------------------
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all
that the accident of evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
charge toward him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder And saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared
that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically
and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of
him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to
strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't
exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in
a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept
thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and
I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have
because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo ... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have
an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled ... "SEE,
MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While 20 people nearly choked
to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I
was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a
lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the
best laugh they had ever had!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as
we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't
worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all
the time. I just never had the nerve to make the point
like you did.
Found in fortune cookies:
-------------------------
"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."
You are few fries short of a Happy Meal.
You are a leader, people follow you, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
If ignorance is bliss you are orgasmic!
May your life be like toilet paper--long and useful.
Everyone is entitled to be dull, but you are abusing the privilege.
Rabbit In My Refrigerator
---------------------------
I opened my refrigerator door the other night and there was a rabbit sitting there!
I said, "Hey, you're a rabbit, what are you doing in there!?"
He said, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
I said, "Yes??"
He said, "Well, I am westing!"
Through Whose Eyes?
-------------------
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his
full name!!!
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago!!
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
the local high school.
"Yes!!!!" he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1944!!!"
"Why, you were in my class!!!!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?!!!"