Title: Redemption Author : Beth P. Series :Voyager Codes : Voy, C/P Parts : 1/13 Rating : NC-17 (Sex, Language)
Summery: Tom finds life difficult to adjust to after his thirty days of solitary confinement.
Warnings: Spoilers for "30 Days." This story contains a relationship between two men. If this idea offends you please leave now. Bad language, and Tom Angst!!!!
Dedication: I dedicate this story to my sister Kathy. If it wasn't for her I probably would have never written it. (Big hug for Kathy!!)
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all character written about in this story. I am just taking them out for a walk.
REDEMPTION
"I am such a fuck up. I am such a fuck up." The young man chanted softly to himself. Day twenty-five of his thirty days in solitary confinement and Tom Paris thought he was going insane. Slowly over the past twenty-five days all of the self esteem he has raised since coming to the Delta Quadrant had disappeared into self loathing. "I am such a fuck up."
Sitting on the bunk in the brig with his knees drawn up to his chest, Tom contemplated all that had went wrong. The hard earned respect gone in an instant, while fighting for a cause he believed in. The differences between what was right and wrong seemed so clear to him then, but now they were all mixed up in his mind. All the hateful lectures coming back to him. The sneering voice of his father telling him he could never do anything right, and what a pathetic excuse of a son he was. Tom found that he had to agree.
Here he was incarcerated again, and what was the first thing he did, start a letter to his father. Hoping beyond hope that the letter would explain his actions, but Tom knew that all his father would see was that his son screwed up again. Disobeying a senior officer was a grave offence in Owen Paris' book. All Owen believed in was Star Fleet, and to deliberately disobey your captain was a heinous offence indeed.
Tom got off the bunk and started to pace the small room thinking of all the people on Voyager he let down.
Janeway. He let her down the most. He knew that she believed in him, that she saw there was more to the wise cracking man who piloted her ship. *Well Tommy boy you proved her wrong.* Tom saw the hurt and betrayal in her eyes as she took away his lieutenant pip. Janeway was the last person Tom wanted to hurt. She helped him as no one, with the exception of Sandrine, had before. She gave him a chance to redeem himself. To show the crew there was more to Tom Paris then the traitor or Star Fleet reject. Janeway got Tom out of the hell of Auckland and for that alone he was eternally grateful. That is why it hurt so much to go against the captain's orders, even for a cause he believed in.
*And now she is, according to the Doctor, thinking of promoting someone else to Chief Pilot.* Tom though to himself. *She must hate me more then I thought.*
Tom thought for a moment with despair about the chance he would never be able to fly Voyager again. *No, I won't, can't even go there right now.*
Back to the topic at hand, people he let down.
Harry. Well Harry was Harry. A good-natured kid who would stand beside me. I feel like I don't deserve a friend like him. Maybe that is why I chased him out of here when he came to visit. I had been desperate for any kind of company, but when Harry woke me from that nightmare I felt so vulnerable. I didn't want him to see me that way.
Shit the nightmares have been coming back with a vengeance. If I was lucky my nightmares would only be on one topic, either Caldik Prime, Auckland or my father. If I was unlucky it would be all three together. Last night's nightmare had been especially terrible. I was flying the shuttle and crashed at Auckland where my father was the one who raped me. Wouldn't a counsellor love to decipher that one? Shit. Come on Tommy lets get to a better topic then the crap filled life you lived.
Now where were I, oh yes, I remember the ever growing list of the people I've let down on Voyager.
B'Elanna. Well at least I don't think I let her down. She sort of encourage me to do what I felt was right. She is a rebel at heart so she could see where I was coming from. But she hasn't even attempted to visit me so maybe she is disappointed in me as well. *Sigh*
Tuvok. I think he always felt I was a screw up, so all I did to him was prove him right. No surprise there.
Chakotay. Shit, where to start with this one. Before this all happened we were moving toward a relationship. We shared a kiss right before I left with Harry and Seven to go explore to water planet.
Tom remembered that moment vividly.
"So Tom, are we still on for tonight?" Chakotay asked as he accompanied Tom to the shuttle bay.
"Of course we are. I have been looking forward to dinner all day." Tom replied with a sly smile.
"All day hmmm" Chakotay said as he nodded at Seven and Harry as they entered the shuttle craft. "Are you always this excited on the first date?" he teased.
"When the company is right I am." Tom said in a laughing voice.
Chakotay leaned in closer and whispered "Am I the right kind of company?" Before Tom could answer he leaned in even closer and gave him a light kiss.
Tom broke free and whispered back, "Your definitely the right kind of company." And then leaned in again for a deeper kiss full of promise for later that night.
They broke apart with a sigh.
Tom looked deep into Chakotay's eye and whispered "I wish we could go back to your quarters now."
Chakotay reached up and stroked Tom's cheek lightly. "Later" he whispered back.
With a mock sigh Tom disengaged himself from Chakotay and boarded the ship.
Little did I know that later would never happen. *Gods he must hate me now*.
Tom flopped back down on the bed. "Computer time" he barked.
"The time is 2300" the computer replied.
Tom rubbed his face with his hands. One more day almost gone. Would he dare sleep. Tom kicked off his boots and laid down in an attempt to sleep, tossing and turning for a few minutes before sleep finally overcame him.
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Chakotay entered the brig at 0030. He came with the excuse to check up on prisoner, but the brig officer just nodded knowing the Commander was there for other reasons, more personal reasons. The commander had been by almost every night since Tom had been brought in, and the brig officer knew it was none of his business why. Chakotay excused the office for a 15 minute break.
Walking over to the cell that held Tom, Chakotay thought of all that went wrong. Yes he was angry at Tom at first, but the more he thought on it the more he realized Tom was in the right. That Tom was trying to protect the planet, and that he was finally fighting for something he believed in. Sighing Chakotay leaned against the wall and watched Tom as he slept. He remembered the kiss they shared in the shuttle bay, how it made him feel so alive. How the touch of Tom's lips to his sent a spark of arousal coursing through his body. Even the memory of the kiss was still enough to speed up his heart rate.
Chakotay was worried about Tom. He knew that he was experiencing nightmares almost every night. The guards and Harry had filled him in on that. The day after Harry visited Tom, Chakotay cornered him in the mess hall and asked how his visit went. Harry wearily explained how Tom had all but chased him out the brig when he woke up, and that all other attempts to visit him were futile. Tom had told the guards the he did not want to see any other visitors, not even Neelix when he delivered his food. Tom had asked the guards to take the trays from Neelix and bring them over themselves.
This worried Chakotay. Tom was closing out all of his closest friends. Well there was nothing he could do about it now. Tom had four days left in the brig and Chakotay could not *officially* visit the *prisoner* without it seeming he was against the captain's decision.
With a sigh Chakotay ended his nightly visit and wished the guard a good night, and reminded him that he was never here.
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Tom woke up screaming into the night. *SHIT, SHIT, SHIT* Sitting up on the bunk trying to get his heart rate under control Tom gasped "Computer time?"
"The time is 0300." the computer replied.
Tom groaned and laid back down throwing his arm over his face. *Gods, I have to get over these nightmares.* Tom thought. *I haven't had a decent night sleep in over twenty days. Maybe I can com the Doc and ask for a sleep aid. No! Can't do that, it would be admitting that this incarceration is getting to me.*
Tom sighed quietly to himself and thought about his latest nightmare. This one featured Chakotay witnessing all of the lowest points of his life. Like a spectator of Tom's worst moments. And the worst part was the ‘dream Chakotay' doing nothing to help him. One vivid image was of dad beating the crap out of him, while Chakotay sat in Owen's favourite chair sipping a beer and watching.
Of course it all comes back to Chakotay, me still wanting him and him probably hating me.