I was wondering if my brain had leaked out my ass overnite
jan...At 18 AM STILL A VIRGEN. I SHOULD BE IN A MUSEUM. Told people I sleep with ML because they were treating me like a freak for being a virgen. Then I didnt know how to tell them I lied. The first man I sleep with will be the love of my life. I do have a bf but dont feel anything.
june..Today I met a man(L1)..dam..when he looked at me I thought OMG OMG OMG I AM GOING TO PEE. He is so bad ass sexy I couldnt even breathe. He just got out of jail. I got hot and shaky and tingly and nervous and sweaty and lusty all at once. It hit me like a brick on the head. Bang! Feel the intensity look what u do to me. I have fallen hard. I dont know what came over me but I wanted him right away. Shit. I think I am in love..TALL told her mum I like him so no nu rumor is we're lovers wow that spread fast considering we met yesterday..I cant stop shaking near him...he puts his hands on my knees and kissed me and I swear I started to pee my pants but I held it in. Noone ever made me pee myself before. I got the shivers all the way down to my soul. I am not letting him get away. He will be my first even If I have to make him but I dont think that will be necessary. Man does he turn me on so bad. I think someone must have done some witch craft on me cuz I am dying to BE with him. He asked where I stood with my bf. I had FORGOTTEN about that. I'll dump him tomorrow. I forget all even my name. It's been 2 days since I met him and I cant think how I was alive before
dec..Its tough to fight back when your brain is leaking out your ears...well I GOT WITH HIM in july and then after that well I stay over a few nights a week...mum thinks Im about to drown in a sea of wickedness...I half expected to get my ass shot off...I had expected to be beaten to death..flirting with danger..u cant get blood from a stone...a craving so intense I thought Id die of it... I'm shameless...so theyre always cursing me and always go rank why dont they just let me be. That’s so emotionally abusive, always make me feel
cheap. Maybe I wouldnt be so hungry for love if they showed me some
affection. Always kicking me out where else would I sleep? So its their fault people gossip. TALL is so evil wants me
to kill myself always talking about me ya like she didnt have married lovers she's no saint. Why would she hate me so bad not my fault he chose me...
why was I ever born... ya so I have lost all my friends my family hates me and here I am not even a gf not anything officially and putting up with his whoring getting dumped all the time ..dam.. why...
1992
april...well he dumped me in December because he went on holiday and got engaged while I thought I was late not that I told him. I got kicked out of college because I never go dad says thats what I get for hanging round drug dealers and everyone says Im a dealer too and I dont even do drugs! People say tania is a dealer too as hse hangs at the mall, friggin coop. Well I still want L1 but he doesnt. Should be illegal to be
so damn hot. I should stay away as I know
he'll drive me mad but I cant. I wish he loved me like I do. What
more do I have to do what more do I have to lose...this year sucks so far...I just feel it isnt worth living like this like im
nothing...all I do is cry and drink.No college, parents hate me the man I love loves another well dam them all. I was so mad I went out with his best friend got plastered..dont ask..I swear I wanted to puke..then went back to L1 for two days but no sex then he dumps me again dam screw him never again.
may...met this guy L2 I near fainted from the impression it was so freaky I was like WTF?. How'd this happen? I'd been single TWO DAYS and NEVER thought I'd want anyone again so this is wierd met his best friend too...got with L2 one nite in his car so maybe he wont call but it was worth it..and even if I never have another lover well at least I had last nite..
but he didnt run off and he told my dad he wanted to date me..omg..ya L1 never did that...ya L2 is a keeper so we were together a month then he frigging LEFT well we're going to have a long distance thing and his buds are going to take me out...ya we are both so pervy he must think Im so experienced and I only had L1 before but dam he turns me on
june..Dad says we are moving to Chile to be with my bro and also because I got kicked out of college and also because he says I have a drink problem and that I am too emotionally unstable and he doesnt want me ending up with 4 kids by 4 dads....I have been here since I was 2. I went out with L2's best friend he watches over me supposedly but all he does is get me drunk. I was at the bar and fainted in front of all and he had to pick me up off the floor and yelled at me. Why do I drink so much. My parents dont drink they didnt raise me like this. That was so embarassing. I wanted to dig a hole in the floor and crawl into it. He takes me to hockey games, parks, dancing, driving, malls, pubs..you'd think we were dating and we talk hours and hours. He knows more about me then my suppposed man! This spanish guy B I had a huge crush on at 14 ( he awas 18) ran into me at a party told me I was sexy so pretty would I date him I said ummmm no. TALL told everyone I had passed out drunk. SH and I had a fight about how I wont leave L1 who's she to talk dating a pimp and pregnant at 14. TALL'S mum found used condoms under her bed and she told her mum they were mine. I am so hurt and shocked. Why does she hate me so much?. Maybe she is just jealous everyone wants to go out with me and all she ever gets are my leftovers. Guys are always asking me out but I need just one. L2 has been gone near a month do u think he even ever called? NO and u know what I can take a hint.
july...well L1 is saying it took him so long to see...that he was so stupid for letting me go..said he felt so bad when I had another lover and wouldnt take it if he let me back in anothers arms...then he kissed me and legs were jello at room temperature...said dont u see it too late to stop it..8 mo..8 mo since I was in those arms and in that bed but ya I stayed God Im in love again heaven help me yet I hate it he'll never be mine but I cant stop plese God let it work this time
...cant be near him without wanting to rip off his clothes hardly able to control the wildness inside hardly able to breathe no control with him..none.. MY LIBIDO HAS
GONE STARK RAVING MAD BUT IF IM A TRAMP ITS BECAUSE OF HIM. I dont know if its the devil or what but theres something evil burning me up inside making me go....maybe its bad but dam its good...If dad wants to believe rumors fine screw him he can kiss my rosy red ass..well one day me and folks were in a park folks got in a fight mum left see they dont get on at all cant they see if theres no love at home I look elsewhere well L1 dumped his fiance and asked me to dump L2 well NO anyway he has dropped off the face of the earth hasnt written once well screw him...well so ya Im still in love with L1 dam him Im in love with them both like in torn between two lovers...for noone else can have the part of me I gave to u...
1993
Well its been a year of letters with L2 and one visit last August in which he apologised for not calling then ya we remembered old times I am so BAD couldn't help it I still want him we just are the biggest pervs ever we never even talk so pervy well supposedly he's still my bf even if he hardly writes or calls...and Im still with L1 he's still an ass but I want that ass. Not like I can take him out in public ya like everyone hates me. Screw them all. He even asked me to marry him he was nude tho right before I moved to Chile. But no. I dont wanna be his lil whore anymore I know thats how he sees me. Dam him I was a friggin virgen till I met him. Well so I said good god in 4 days I leave dont tempt me told him nope I wont marry u I want more out of life...so he's like so I guess u never really love me I was so mad wanted to hammer him to death with the nearest chair I mean after I lost EVERYTHING so I went to hit him he grabs my arm says "do u" and I say ya but I love me more..I wanted to scream then die but he had me tonight and never never had I had such sex.... I even started crying noone ever made me cry but him and I never cried in front of anyone before..only emptiness remains it replaces all other pain...dam
WEll L2 was at the airport. And he's going to Chile. I hadnt seen him in 6 months. Well Im just gonna start fresh screw the past.
1993
Man do people stare here you'd think I was weird as a two headed turtle......I hate people who mimic how I speak Spanish, I tell them I would mimic their English but I have enough maturity and culture to know it is wrong........
2007 ....
I just finished this book and a lot of it freaked me out..The mermaid chair from sue monkk kidd is a wonderful book and she says some incredible truths I almost fell off my chair ...well about long marraiges and when u get to thinking of someone from your past and analysing it ....like when analysing a long faithful full of routine marraige ..."its like animals taken from the wild and put in nice simulated habitats where they turned complacent knowing exactly where their next meal would come from, all the hunt and suspense drained out of it....I used to imagine women had a lil tank of desire lodged back behind their navels somewhere a kind of erotic gas tank they are born with and that I had used it all up I had recklessly emptied it out and there was nothing I could do to refill it...mens sexual appetite comes from a faucet u can turn on whenever u like as theres an unending supply like getting water from a sink....I did beleive women had only so much libido and when it was used up it was used up....or maybe its all just faucets all connected to a bottomless erotic sea and maybe I let my faucet rust shut or something had clogged it up...and about the main characters past lover... part of me says it was a great love and to walk away would be a denial of my life yet another says maybe its an insane infatuation that would eventually pass and I had to be stoic....I didnt see why loving someone had to have so much agony attached to it...Our relationship had never belonged out there in the real world in a real house where u wash socks and slice onions..it belonged in the shadowed linings of the soul..u brought me deeper into life how could I regret that
