Time Again
It rang in my ears... Over and over again... Like déjà vu, but not just a feeling of it happening... Knowing it happened... Not once... Not twice... But over and over again... Until it was more than just déjà vu. I wanted to scream out... I wanted never to hear it again. I was screaming... I could feel it... I was screaming loudly... I was screaming more than I've ever screamed before... But there was no sound hitting my ears... Just silence... Just darkness... Just coldness... Help me.
"He's coming around, but you have to give him a awhile to adjust, it's a lot to take in all at once. It will be as before."
"How long this time?"
"I'm sorry...I just don't know. There are so many factors involved. It could be longer this time...It could be just a few hours. I just can't give you an answer. We tried a few different things this time and they looked promising, but only time will tell."
"Thank you."
Voices swimming in the darkness. I could hear them in the distance, growing louder and louder. That voice...God that voice.....JOSH.
"JOSH" I screamed out
My eyes flew open and I was screaming his name. The pain hit me...my head was pounding and people were all around me. The lights were so bright I couldn't see.
"JOSH."
"I'm here Dev."
"Help me Josh...It hurts. Ahhhhhhh fuck it hurts Josh."
"Give him something damn it."
"Get him out of here." Someone yelled
I couldn't focus on anything. My eyes were clouded over and all I could see was movement.
"I'm not going anywhere...do you know who I am. Fucking let go of me. Dev I'm right here...Can you hear me?"
"Josh...help me....Josh."
I tried to move, but couldn't. My whole body started shaking. The pain turned into whiteness and then disappeared.
"He's seizing...Hold him down."
"DEV...Oh god Dev please say something."
There was chaos all around me. I tried to scream out, but couldn't. I could hear people yelling things. Things I didn't understand. I could hear Josh screaming at me to answer him. I was screaming, but nothing came out of my mouth. It was tearing me up not to be able to answer back. He was screaming things at me. He saying everything would be OK. He was saying he loved me. He said he would love me forever. The room grew silient. Josh screamed No...dragged out into a long howl that had my heart exploding. I could hear him crying. Screaming No over and over again.
"Make the call."
"Time of death, 09:42."
Everything went silent. Everything went black. Everything faded away.
"JOSH."
"I'm right here babe." A low voice said. So familiar. So loving.
"Josh?"
"Yeah...I'm right here. Open your eyes babe."
I opened my eyes. My eyelids felt so heavy. It was dark in the room.
"Josh? Where are you? What's going on? I had this nightmare or something. Josh?"
"Calm down Dev. Everything is fine now."
I turned my head towards his voice and I could make out his figure standing to my left.
"What happened?"
"Do you remember anything?"
"I remember you being asleep and kissing you as I left to go rollerblading. Then leaving the house and heading off down the street. I remember cruising down Sutter with my arms stretched out like I was flying, but then nothing after that. Just this nightmare with you screaming and others yelling and I don't know, it was just a weird nightmare. What's going on? Where am I?"
"How many times did I tell you to wear your helmet Dev? How many?"
"Come on Josh. Give it a rest. Did I fall or something? Josh?"
"You were hit by a car Dev. You were flying down Sutter with your arms out and your head up and your eyes closed. Always thinking you were invincible Dev. The thought that a car could have been coming from a side street and wouldn't have time to stop never entering your mind...Flying Dev? Yeah, you flew and landed on your head. You don't know what you did to me Dev. Having to see you like that."
"But everything is fine now...right? I mean I can get fixed up with plastic surgery and all."
"You don't need it Dev. You're perfect. Perfect as you've always been."
"Josh...please....what's going on?"
I reached out towards him.
He stepped forward and took my hand. I pulled him towards me into a hug. My arms wrapped around him...but he felt different.
"Josh?"
He stiffened up and pulled away from me. My hands were feeling around the bed for a light switch. He took hold of my hand and held it still. Then he reached up and a click echoed in the room. The light flashed on and my eye's closed from the glare.
"Dev? Please stay calm."
"What?" I said as I squinted, trying to focus on him.
He stood there in silience as I blinked my eyes letting them adjust to the light. I opened them one last time and focussed them on Josh.
"Josh? Please?"
He stepped forward and lifted his head. There before me was Josh...not Josh as I knew him...But an older Josh. Josh with grey hair...Josh with wrinkles...Josh with his blue eyes, but they weren't the bright blue eyes I knew...they were dull and faded. His clothes hung off him like they were two sizes too big for him. His cheeks were sunken and he had deep bags under his eyes.
"Josh?"
His name faded from my lips as my head fell backwards into darkness.
"Josh?"
"Welcome back."
"Who are you?" I said as I opened my eyes.
"My name is Dr Nicholas Parks, you can call me Nick. How are you feeling?"
"Ok I guess. Where's Josh?"
"I sent Mr Chasez out to get some air. I wanted to give you the once over before I turn you over to him. No headache? Chest pains?"
"No...Am I OK to leave Doctor? I mean I don't remember the accident, but I feel fine."
"You'll be able to leave once I'm finished checking you out."
"Doctor?"
"Nick."
"Sorry, Nick. Earlier Josh was in here and he was old...I mean...I don't know what I mean...I don't get this...Am I dreaming? Is this all just a nightmare or something? Was I in a coma? What year is it?"
"You will have your answers all in good time. Can you tell me your name."
"Dev....Devon Stills....Everyone calls me Dev. Can you please tell me what's going on?"
"Please look at the tip of the pen and follow it."
He held out his pen and started moving it back and forth infront of my face. My eyes followed it until he stopped and lowered his hand to the clipboard he was holding and started writing.
"Well, Mr Stills. Yes, you were in an accident. No, you haven't been in a coma. And the date is August 8, 2044."
I sat there looking at him trying to figure out if I heard him correctly.
"Yes, you heard me correctly. You were in an accident 42 years ago. As for answering all the other questions that are swimming around in your mind, I will leave that up to Mr Chasez. He's heard them all before."
He smiled at me, turned and walked out of the room. I stared at the door as it closed. And as it slowly settled into the frame, my head dropped. I sat there staring down at the tan blanket that covered my lower body. Everything about me felt perfectly fine. Everything told me that it was just this morning that I had kissed Josh as I headed out the door with my blades, not 42 years ago. My head turned slightly and my gaze fell upon my left hand. I lifted it up infront of my face and stared at it. I ran the fingers of my right hand over the smooth skin. It was my hand that I've always known. Not the hand of someone 42 years later. My hands went up to my face and I ran my fingers over it. Everything was as it was when I left to go rollerblading. The tip of my index finger on my right hand hit the pimple on my right cheek that was there when shaved before leaving.
The door opened and I looked up at the old man walking in. The old Josh.
"Josh...please....what's going on? What happened to me? Why are you like that while I'm the same? Josh I don't understand....please?"
He walked over to the side of the bed, never breaking eye contact with me. He rested one of his hands on mine and with his other, he lifted it slowly up to my face and started to stroke my cheek with the back of his fingers. Something he always did.
"You're so beautiful Dev. I never get tired of looking at you. I've missed you."
"What's going on Josh? Tell me."
He broke eye contact with me and sat down on the bed next to my leg.
"I love you so much Dev. I couldn't live without you. I couldn't."
"What happened?"
"I told you. You were in an accident."
"But why are you talking like that? I'm fine right? What happened?...What happened to you?"
"I grew old Dev. Like everyone else."
"But me?"
He got up and walked across the room to a bag. He unzipped it, took something out and walked back to the bed and sat down. He lifted a mirror up to my face and I looked in. It was me as I remembered myself. A 23 year old young man with a zit on my right cheek. Just as I was when I left to go rollerblading. I glanced past the mirror to the old man that was Josh....that is Josh.
"I'm 68 year old today Dev. Forty-two lonely years have past for me. I could never love anyone but you."
"Josh, you talk as if I were dead."
He didn't answer me but he continued to look me in my eyes. A tear started to fall from his eye. All of sudden a memory flashed through my mind. It was Josh's voice screaming...it was people yelling things...it was pain...it was me dying and in the end it was a voice saying "Make the call." with another answering "Time of death 09:42."
"I died?"
"Yes."
"Then what am I now?"
"You are Dev."
"What the fuck is going on Josh? I don't understand."
"You are Dev as you've always been. As you always will be. One day I will die and with me, so shall you. Until then, we have our time together as we've had for the past twenty years. One day, we may live as we had those many years ago. But until then, we have right now."
"You are talking in riddles that I don't understand Josh."
He was looking at me as we looked at each other since the day we met. His deep blue eyes captured my heart that day and has never let it go.
"I love you Dev. I always have and I always will. Forever Dev."
I was staring at him. This old man that was Josh inside and out. He could have been a 110 year old shivelled up old prune, but what made him Josh would still shine through. And with that, he would always have my love.
I reached up with my hand and stroked his cheek with the back of my fingers as he had done to me earlier.
"I love you forever too Josh."
He raised his hand up to mine and held it against his cheek.
"I've missed you Dev."
I smiled at him as he kissed my hand. Then his facial expression changed.
"Josh?"
"No...no no no no no....it's too soon."
He let go of my hand and jumped off the bed and ran out of the room. I picked up the mirror and held it up to my face. There was a trial of blood running out my nostril, around my mouth and down my chin. I reached over to the side table and took a tissue and wiped the blood away.
The door opened and Josh and Dr Nick walked in the room and over to the bed. Nick put his hand under my chin and lifted my head up. He clicked a small flash light on and shined it up my nose then told me to open my mouth. He shined the light into my mouth, then clicked the light off and took his hand away from my chin. He smiled at me and patted my leg.
"Can I talk to you outside for a second." He said to Josh as he turned away from me and they both walked out of the room again.
I leaned my head back on the pillows propped up behind me and closed my eyes. I was all of a sudden feeling so tired. I could feel a sensation like pin pricks all over my skin. Every breath I took in made me light headed. I could hear the door opening and it took me some effort to open my eyes. When I finally was able to open them and focus on the room, Josh was standing next to the bed.
"How are you feeling Dev?"
"Weird. I guess it's just all the stuff that's been going on around me. It's all so confusing and it doesn't make any sense. I just don't get it."
"Do you think you can walk?"
"I'm pretty sure I can."
I lifted the blankets off of me and moved my legs over the side and got out of the bed. I stood there as Josh slipped a robe on me and took my hand. He lead me to the door and out into the hallway. I stopped all of a sudden, just to look around. I expected to be in a hospital with sick people, nurses and doctors walking all around. It wasn't. Unless it was some kind of future with no sick people.
"Is this a hospital Josh?"
He patted my hand and led me on.
"No, not exactly."
He led me down a short hallway and through a door. The inside of the room was like a laboratory. With microscopes, test tubes and all the other things you think of when you picture a laboratory. There was a huge glass case in the corner of the room that was filled with water.
"What is this Josh?"
"It was a birthday present to myself. I bought this place back on August 8, 2003. Exactly 41 years ago. I've put almost everything I had into this present and it didn't start paying off until 21 years after starting it. I've had a staff of 8 researcher and doctors working for me for the past 41 years and it's been worth every penny."
"What do you make?"
"I've answered this question for you over 20 times, yet it's the hardest thing I have to do. It's usually much later, but this time I'm forced to tell you now. We don't have much time left."
"What do you mean?" I said quickly turning back to face him and look into his deep blue eyes.
"Dev, haven't you put it all together yet? Doesn't all this sparks something in your mind. Everything you've seen and heard since you woke up."
I looked around the room again and then back at him.
"Not at all Josh. Remember, I'm the blond one."
He took my hand again and led me out of the room and down another hall. He opened another door that led out into a vast glass room full of plants. It was like a huge atrium with the sun from the outside beating down into it. He led me towards the middle of the room to a bench and we sat down. He turned towards me, smiled and with the back of his hand, stroked my cheek again.
"Every year for the past 22 years, the wonderful people that work for me have given me the same present. Sometime I get to enjoy the present for a few days, but other times I only get to enjoy it for a precious few hours. Regardless, it is the best present a man could ever hope to get. Every year they give me you."
"Me?"
"Yes Devon Stills. You. My one and only true love."
"I don't get it."
"Devon...the Devon of 42 years ago died in an emergency room from major head trauma. He had a broken neck, back and almost every other bone in his body. That day...I died with him. No one could help me out of the hole I put myself in. I gave up. I walked away from everything I knew that day and ran away from reality. Luckily I had 4 really good friend who saved me. They kicked my ass from out of the darkness and back into life."
"The guys...Josh where are they now?"
"Justin is living in Rhode Island with his wife. They have 2 kids and 5 grandkids. Joey is in New York living with his daughter and her family. His wife died 10 years ago. Chris passed away 3 years ago from a heart attack. And Lance....he and his husband have been living together for the past 35 years. They live about 5 miles away from our place."
I sat there for a second letting it all sink in and then smiled at Josh.
"I always knew that boi was hiding something."
"He stopped coming here about 18 years ago. He couldn't take seeing you and I go through this anymore."
My mind was racing now. Going over everything Josh had told me in the last 10 minutes.
"Josh, if I died 42 years ago...Who am I right now?"
"You are Dev, 42 years ago. You will always be 23 year old Dev until the day when the people I pay finally get it right. But that isn't going to happen today and probably won't while I'm still alive."
"You really aren't making any sense at all Josh."
"I guess I'm just going to have to come out and say it this time. Sometimes you figure it out and sometimes you don't. This time I just don't have the time to waste."
"Please Josh, just tell me."
"Devon Stills died 42 years ago. You are Devon Stills, but one that the people that work for me grew out of a little piece of the long dead Devon Stills."
"Then I'm a...."
"Clone."
I sat there staring at Josh, unable to say anything though a thousand questions were running through my mind. Finally I broke out of my trance, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"So what you're saying is that every year on your birthday, your doctor frankenstiens bring me back to life and then I die all over again. I've died over and over for the past 22 years? And I'm dying agian right now?"
"Yes. Dev...The technology just isn't at the point right now to keep your body stable enough to keep it alive. Soon after you take your first breath on your own, your body tissue starts to die. All the new things they tried this year brought the process about faster than it has in the past 5 years. You will cease to be within the hour."
"Josh...Why do you go through this year after year? Why? Why couldn't you just move on after I died? Live your life and find someone new to love. That is what I want for you Josh. Stop this now...Please."
"I can't Dev. I love you...I will always love you. I died the day you died. I've been living my whole life so that one day when things are possible, we can be once more."
"What do you mean?"
He let go of my hand and reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small envelope. He opened it and pulled out and small bundle of hair.
"Funny what you go through when you lose the one you love. I spent a day on the floor wrapped up in all your clothes. I slept every night hugging your pillow. I spent a week watching all your favorite movies. And then, I spend a whole day going through the whole house looking for every strand of your hair I could find. I was on my hands and knees crawling around the floor, I don't know why I did it but I did. And I've kept it with me since then. Always near my heart. But when I finally crawled out of my pit of despair and started thinking all these crazy thought, it came back to these...these few strands of hair. At the bottom of a few of them was the little bit of DNA I needed to see you again. To touch you...To kiss you. It took 20 years of people telling me I was crazy...20 years of people telling me it couldn't be done...20 years of failure...20 years of spending all my money and half of Lance's...but we finally had a break through and after 20 years, I was able to lay my eyes on your face again. I was able to touch you. I was able to kiss you. But the little time we have every year is never enough. I want more."
"Can there be more? Can there ever be us again Josh?"
"That's what all this research is for Dev. One day we will be together again. Just as it should have been. Us living our lives together forever. I will be dead soon, but the research will go on. I've made enough money with all the discoveries and progress we've made to keep it going long after I am dead. My company will live on until the day that they can bring us both back together again to live our lives the way we were meant to live it."
"I don't know how to feel Josh. I mean god...what can I say. I love you more than you'll ever know. But it just makes me sad to think that you suffered so for me. Yet you did all this for me."
"For us Dev. And if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it."
I reached over and wiped a tear that was creeping down his cheek away with my thumb. I smiled at him and pulled his head forward into a kiss. I climbed ontop of his lap and kept kissing him. After about a minute, he broke away. He was breathing really hard and he pulled me into a hug.
"I'm not a young man anymore Dev."
I started laughing, but all of a sudden a sharp pain shot through my head. It felt as if someone had hit me upside the head with a baseball bat. I grabbed the sides of my head and fell off the bench. I could hear Josh's voice trying to calm me down. My vision was foggy and I could barely make out his face. He had gathered me in his arms and was rocking me back and forth telling me he loved me.
I tried to talk, but couldn't. I felt my head twitching and my body started to shake. I looked up and all I saw was Josh's face. His voice seemed to get farther and farther away. My eyes closed into darkness.
"Make the call..."
It rang over and over in my head.
"Who am I suppose to call Doctor?"
"The numbers by the phone. Ask for Mr Chasez. Tell him that Mr Stills is waiting for him. Hurry and make the call."
Over and over again, that phrase rang through the darkness...Make the call. Repeating over and over until it was just a long string of voices beating at me until I thought I couldn't take it anymore. Then it grew quiet.
In the darkness, images of this morning started flashing through my mind... Waking up and getting ready to go rollerblading... Leaning down and kissing Josh while he slept... Leaving the house... Blading down Sutter... Closing my eyes and pretending I was flying. Then all of a sudden everything went black again and I was looking at myself laying there screaming in pain. All around me I could hear voices and over them I could hear Josh screaming... Screaming that I would be OK... That he loved me... That he loved me forever. Then the images started flashing of me waking up over and over again to Josh face. The images started flashing faster and faster and as they went on, Josh's face grew older and older until he was a old man. Then they stopped, everything turned into a blinding whiteness.
"JOSH" I screamed out and my eyes flew open.
"I'm here Dev."
My head turned towards his voice and my eyes focused on my lovely Josh. He was standing next to the bed I was in smiling at me. I reached up and pulled him to me. It seemed like it was more than just this morning that I laid my eyes on him.
"Oh my god Josh, you wouldn't believe the nightmare I just had."
"Calm down Dev. Give yourself awhile to adjust here. You can tell me all about it later. We have our whole lives ahead of us now."
The End
{ back to Tales Menu }