Chapter 16...Chapter 16...
Man: Thanks.
Chi San: Are you all right?
Man: (biting her lip) I’m not. I’m worried to death about Quin. It’s all my fault…
Chi San: Man…
Man: I mean it! If I’ve waited for you, Quin wouldn’t be kidnapped, and she wouldn’t be in a coma now. (tears leaked out from the corners of her eyes) Just like if I had enough sense to react faster, Tong Sum wouldn’t…
Chi San: Man, please stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. That mad man would have gotten Quin sooner or later. He already planned his insane act. This is fate. We cannot do anything about it. (his voice dropped) Just as we can’t stop my sister from stabbing Tong Sum.
A tearful Man threw her arms around Chi San. Chi San recovered from his initial surprise and hugged her back.
Man: (sobbing) I’m…so…afraid for Quin.
Chi San: She’ll be all right. Really.
Man pulled back and looked at Chi San. She suddenly realised how close they were to each other. Chi San looked back at Man, his eyes full of hidden feelings. If he just leaned forward a little, he would be able to kiss her. Closing his eyes, Chi San bent his head. Man didn’t push him away. She yearned for Chi San’s touch. She yearned for him to love her. Just as their lips were about to touch, Chi San’s eyes flew opened. He immediately jumped up as if he was on fire.
Chi San: I…I…
Unable to say anything, he turned and ran away, leaving Man sitting on the hospital bench. Man stared after him. She knew the cause of his reaction. Tears filled up her eyes again. Only this time, she wasn’t shedding tears for Quin. He still can’t get over Tong Sum. I knew it. So why does it hurt so badly when he pushed me away? Man’s tears flowed faster. She also felt immensely guilty. I had fought with Tong Sum over Chi San when she was still alive. Now she was gone, how can I have Chi San? I will be betraying her memory. Man steeled herself. I will never, ever get involved with Kong Chi San. It wouldn’t be right. I wouldn’t feel right.
Chi San found himself sitting in his apartment. How did I get home? He didn’t know. All he knew that he was confused. What am I doing? What do I want? Remembering the moment, his heart beat faster. He couldn’t deny it; he had wanted to kiss Man. Where does that leave my loyalty to Tong Sum? I’m weak. I cannot be weak again. Slowly he walked towards Tong Sum’s picture. Her smiling face stared back at him. He remembered her words. “If you choose Man, I wish you both eternal happiness.” He knew that Tong Sum wouldn’t blame him if he were to be with Man. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He once promised himself, Tong Sum was the only woman he, Kong Chi San, will ever love. And now she was gone…but Chi San was determined to hold on to his promise. I will remain loyal to Tong Sum. Always and forever. And secondly, deep down inside…I am scared. I cannot go through the pain of losing someone I love again. When Tong Sum died, a part of me died with her. I didn’t want to live anymore. It was so hard for me to look ahead after her death. If I were to be with Man, what if I lost her someday? I wouldn’t be able to bear it. No, it is better this way. Chi San closed his eyes painfully. It is better this way.
Fei: What is the matter, Ching Ching?
Ching Ching: You looked haggard. Haven’t you been resting?
Fei: (abruptly) How could I? You knew what happened, don’t you? How could I rest when the woman I lo…(stopped himself) I mean, she got hurt because of me.
Ching Ching: (softly) You can say it, Fei. The woman you love. The woman you so desperately love. Quin.
Fei: Ching Ching…
Ching Ching: (smiled wryly) I came by today…6 hours ago. I saw you, but you didn’t see me. It was evident, Fei. It was so obvious. You love Quin very much. You don’t have to hide it from me anymore, Fei. (looked down at her coffee) It’s over between us, Fei. It’s no use forcing yourself to be with me.
Fei: Listen to me…
Ching Ching: (interrupting) You don’t have to explain anything, Fei. I understand completely. I can accept the fact…the fact that you…love another.
Fei: You understood?
Ching Ching: (nodded) I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t been so stubborn, if I hadn’t been so selfish to hold on to you, Quin wouldn’t have to…
Fei: Ching Ching, please don’t blame yourself. I chose you, remember? It was my choice. I wanted to take care of you.
Ching Ching: I should have made you see it 2 years ago. Responsibilty doesn’t equalled love. You stop loving me a long time ago, Fei. Both of us refused to see the truth. I clung to you, well, for security. You chose me because you felt responsible.
Fei: I really thought I could learn to love you, but…
Ching Ching: But you couldn’t.
Fei: (bowed his head) I never want to lead you on, Ching Ching. I truly wanted to care for you, to make you happy. I hope you understand that.
Ching Ching: I also thought I could bring you happiness. But I realised that the only way I can make you happy is to let you go. Because only the one you love can bring you happiness.
Fei: Ching Ching, I…
Ching Ching: (smiled sadly) From the moment you met Quin, our fate (yun fun) was over. From that moment, we were fated to go our separate ways.
Fei: I will still take care of you. I have the responsibilty to.
Ching Ching: (shook her head) I will be joining the ballet troupe for the disabled to England. I received the offer long ago, but then, I didn’t want to leave…now…well, it is a great oppurtunity.
Fei: But…
Ching Ching: No buts, Fei. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve been dependant on you for 2 years. Let me be independent. I want to be independent.
Fei: (took Ching Ching’s hand in his) You are a truly special person, Ching Ching. Someday, you will find a man worthy of your love.
Ching Ching: (smiling through her tears) And you, on your part. Take good care of Quin. She suffered for 2 years. Don’t hurt her anymore.
Fei: So…this is goodbye?
Ching Ching: (a tear slipped down her cheek) Goodbye.
Fei leaned over and kissed Ching Ching on the cheek. He held her hands, his expression one of sadness. Ching Ching squeezed back for a moment, and released Fei’s hand. She took her bag and slowly walked away. Fei called her.
Fei: Wait.
Fei: Are we still friends?
Ching Ching: (brushed away her tears) You bet.
And with a final smile, Ching Ching disappeared out of the door, out of their relationship, out of the painful love triangle, and out of Fei’s life.
The next day…
Fei: (sighed) There’s been no change in her condition.
Chi San: Is that good news or bad news?
Fei: (shrugged) It’s anybody’s guess.
Chi San: I thought I saw Ching Ching yesterday. Did she come to yell at you again?
Fei: She came to see me. We settled our matters.
Chi San: (amazed) You mean, you two broke up?
Fei: Yeah.
Chi San: You must feel really relieved.
Fei: Not really. I will miss her. I mean, I’ve lived with her for two years. But it does feel good to clear up everything between us. I don't know how long can I keep up pretending. Especially with Quin like this...
Fei: You have something on your mind?
Chi San: (sighed tiredly) Yes. It’s about Man.
Fei: Let me guess. You still like her. But you feel guilty. Because of Tong Sum.
Chi Sam: (smiled wryly) You really don't call yourself my best friend for nothing, do you?
Fei: San Gor, Tong Sum is gone. Don’t you deserve another chance at happiness? For that matter, doesn't Man?
Chi San: With Man? I’m not sure. I feel so confused. Sometimes, I think we being together might just work. And other times, I just want to stay away from her. Fei, I’m scared. I loved Tong Sum so much. When she just left me all of a sudden, you cannot imagine my pain, my loneliness. I just don’t dare to love again.
Fei: That’s stupid. You had one bad incident. What are the chances of Man ending up six-feet underground at this age?
Chi San: All the same…
Fei: If you want advice, I will gladly give you. You should really give yourself a chance. Many men were widowed at an early age. But they still managed to go on. I don’t see them shaving their heads and becoming monks.
Chi San: But...
Fei: (interrupting) You know what, San Gor? If you really love her, don't doubt anymore. Don't think of anything else. Just get together with her. Be true to yourself and everyone else.
Chi San: I’m going down to get something hot. You want anything?
Fei shook his head and watched Chi San exiting the room. He wouldn’t be taking my advice this easily. I know him. After Chi San left, Fei settled down by Quin’s bedside. He brushed back Quin’s hair from her face, and tucked the blankets neatly beside her.
Fei: The doctor said that reading and talking to you might help you wake up sooner. How about something from your chilhood? I remembered you telling me you like the story of "Cinderella". You said that it was so beautiful when her dreams came true. I'll read you the story now, okay?
He took out a book of stories, and flipped to the page he wanted. He began to read to Quin. And so, it was another night, of many nights to come, in the hospital for Fei.
Chi San: Here, have some coffee, Man.
(She sipped the hot coffee gratefully.)
(Man broke down completely. Chi San sat closer to her.)
Ching Ching nervously twisted her paper cup as she waited for Fei to show up. The door swung opened, and Fei walked in. He saw her and smiled wanly. He tiredly sat down across her.
(Ching Ching remained silent for a few seconds.)
(Ching Ching turned around.)
Chi San: (entering Quin’s hospital room) Fei? How’s Quin?
(Chi San remained silent.)
(Chi San’s face fell, and Fei immediately kicked himself for his insensitivity. You and your big mouth.)
(Chi San pondered over Fei’s words. His thoughts were all in a jumble. Suddenly, he pushed his chair back and stood up.)
What will happen to Chi San and Man now? Both refused to get involved with each other. Are they really meant to be? Fei and Ching Ching finally go their separate ways. But how can Fei have a happy ending with Quin still in a coma?
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Yong June-Ling
Copyright 2001