by NightMajik

Dedication: Agatha—Because you are the most constantly nagging about this series, and I appreciate it endlessly. XD *Hugs*

Beautiful: Part Eight - A Separate Reality

“I’m so tired

Of my mood

And sleep comes with a knife, fork, and a spoon.

You’re so pale

In your face

You let life get in your way.”

-- Love Spit Love, “Am I Wrong”

*

Die stared down into his drink, for the moment ignoring the man who sat next to him.

Kyo was one of the last people he had been expecting. Although, in all honesty, he had not anticipated running into anybody.

But here they were. When he had turned around upon hearing Kyo’s voice, when he had seen the other man standing a few feet behind him, wary, curious, and surprised, he had been unsure of what to say. Kyo had seemed to reflect the sentiment.

Muttering a greeting, Kyo had seemed hesitant, taking a step forward and then halting again. Die had finally, inevitably, invited him to take a seat at the bar with him; it wasn’t as if he could just turn Kyo away.

< Although... Considering my track record with Dir en Grey the past few days, I guess I could have. >

The thought was dark.

Now they were sitting in silence after a few exchanges, those being either mundane or centering carefully on the subject of the missing Toshiya, and Die didn’t know what to say. He didn’t really feel compelled to say anything.

It was finally Kyo who ventured to speak.

“Die...” He seemed reluctant but determined. Die lifted his eyes to meet Kyo’s intent gaze. “I don’t know what’s going on. At all. From the beginning, I’ve been completely ignorant of what was wrong, I’ve only known that *something* wasn’t right for a while now.

“And I still don’t know. I can guess some things, maybe, but—I know *nothing*. Will you... tell me? What’s going on...?”

Die frowned slightly, brow drawing down. He didn’t feel like talking, especially not about the entire situation. It only made him think of everything that was deteriorating, of his anger and how he had been wronged and how the others were all turning against him.

His attempt to leave Dir en Grey had been done in a fit of anger, he was ready to acknowledge that. It was fortunate—in a way—that Shinya had stopped him, because events had not degenerated into that, not yet. He had merely been angry, seen the others all taking Kaoru’s side.

With Kyo sitting here, asking him what happened—it was a chance to share his side of the story. To maybe pull someone else to his side.

And between them, they had nothing else to say.

So in a quiet voice that sometimes wavered with anger, Die began to explain.

*

The wind was chill and cruelly biting, wrapping around shivering limbs and pressing against flushed, raw flesh.

Toshiya trembled, pulling his arms more tightly around himself in an effort to find warmth, dully staring at the trees across the path. The wind would stop soon—it really wasn’t so bad except for when the wind was blowing. And by sitting in the park, with those glittering trees all around, more wind was screened away. This was merely a particularly strong gust which made him grit his teeth, made him wish he was somewhere inside, maybe home again.

He breathed a sigh as the breeze finally let up, loosening his arms that were folded around himself and feeling his muscles relax. The park bench was chill and hard, but at least it wasn’t the ground. He shook back long strands of his hair, wishing he had grabbed something with which to tie his hair back.

But he wished a lot of things. That he had brought a jacket, that he was warmer. That none of this was happening.

He really hadn’t thought his actions through. He merely wanted to get away, away from everything. Abandon Dir en Grey for the moment, abandon reality, go where they couldn’t find him, reach him, no matter how cold it got, no matter how much it hurt.

He wondered where Kaoru was. What he was doing, if he was alone. Maybe sleeping. He wondered why it was Kaoru who consumed his thoughts...

It was very late; he wondered if it was midnight yet, or perhaps already beyond midnight. The sky was partially overcast. The clouds created a carpet on the sky, and through the breaks in the rough fabric could stars be seen. There were a few bright sparks, but most of the celestial tears were dim, they were glimmering and valiantly fighting the choking night, but they were failing, fading.

Toshiya tilted his head back, staring up at the stars. He felt closer to them than to anyone here on earth. He could identify with the way they fought, with the way they failed. With the stardust they shed, because he shed tears of his own. He called himself weak, continuously, bitterly, but he had never been able to stand without shaking, rarely been able to stop the tears. The stars—maybe they called themselves weak too. But they couldn’t stop fading, couldn’t stop failing.

They gazed back at him and he felt their loneliness.

*

Kaoru shivered slightly at the chillness of the breeze, grateful that he had remembered to bring a warm jacket. His gaze was weary and fixed dully on the ground as he trudged along the park path.

He didn’t know what brought him to this place. It was a small park, innocuous and darkly green in the night, and there was no reason to be searching here. But then again, he wasn’t searching, not really. He hadn’t given up, but he was losing hope. Toshiya had been in none of the variety of places he might have been. Why would he be here, especially in the middle of the night.

He was lost, he didn’t know what to do, where to look. Going home to sleep was out of the question, he was restless like a spectre with unfinished business. He felt nauseous with worry, anxiety twisted his insides, and so he found himself merely wandering. He couldn’t find any form of peaceful rest when he didn’t know where Toshiya was.

The night was silent around him, the stars shone dully overhead through breaks in the clouds. The park around him was empty, very quiet except for the hushed sounds of the night.

He was approaching a bend in the trail, coming up on a turn. He couldn’t see what lay ahead, but envisioned it easily. More silence. More stillness.

Lifting his eyes with a sigh, absently loosening the tenseness in his hunched shoulders as the wind died, he rounded the bend.

His steps slowed, he hesitated. Dim eyes idly searching ahead saw a figure seated on a park bench on the side of the trail. Kaoru could see only a silhouette, see the starlight and infrequent, dim streetlamps outlining a figure hunched on the bench.

The person’s head was tilted back, facing the sky. Arms seemed to be clutched around slender shoulders. Flesh of bared arms gleamed white and pale in the light.

Kaoru came closer, and his footsteps alerted the shadow. Wings of premonition fluttered about him, the air was suddenly different. His breath froze as the unnamed face lowered, turned slowly to him.

He was ten feet away and he came to a halt as their eyes met. In the darkness, in the lonely light of the stars and the very dim shine, he knew who he faced, he knew who’s eyes met his, who’s eyes he was drawn to.

They shared an endless glance, neither moving or speaking as their dark, dimly lit eyes met, as worlds passed between them, worlds and things unspoken. Their exchange finally broke with a sigh of the wind as a distant bird broke the still silence of the night. Eyes slid away.

Kaoru approached with footsteps soft, padding across the packed earth to quietly take a seat on the hard, wooden bench. The figure next to him sat still as death, unresponsive.

“What are you doing here?” Kaoru asked softly, gaze trained across at the trees that watched them blindly.

From the corner of his eye he saw Toshiya shrug slightly. “I don’t know,” he whispered.

“Is this where you’ve been... all day?”

Toshiya twisted his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at the meeting,” he said instead.

Kaoru frowned slightly. < That’s the last thing that matters. > “It’s alright,” he said softly.

Pause. Then: “I... haven’t been here all day. Just since this evening, I guess.”

“Where were you before this?”

Another shrug.

Kaoru held down a sigh. “I went to your house, you know,” he told the bassist softly. “Looking for you.”

“You’ve been looking for me?” Toshiya whispered.

Kaoru finally turned his head, regarding the elegant profile presented, the sad eyes. “Me and everyone else. Even Die.”

Toshiya flinched slightly, perhaps at Die’s name, perhaps only at the knowledge that they had all been searching for him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“You don’t have to apologize,” he returned.

“I’m still sorry...”

Kaoru studied him, wishing Toshiya would look at him. “Totchi... Why did you do this? Skip the meeting, leave your house? Why did you disappear like this?”

Part of Kaoru said it had to be fate that he found Toshiya. That even when Toshiya made this attempt to avoid them, wanted to slip away, disappear, it was some sort of twist of destiny that Kaoru should come upon him.

“I... don’t know,” came the quiet reply. “I just... wanted to get away.”

“Away from me?” Very quietly.

Slight shaking of his head.

“Totchi... Look at me,” Kaoru pleaded quietly.

Toshiya’s deep eyes turned to him, moving neither reluctantly nor eagerly. He appeared intensely mournful.

“Aren’t you cold?” It was a question Kaoru did not need to ask. He could see the tremors passing through Toshiya’s body.

“Aa,” Toshiya affirmed.

In silence Kaoru pulled off his coat, handing it to Toshiya. The bassist shook his head at first. “You’ll be cold,” he murmured. But Kaoru insisted and soon Toshiya was wrapped in Kaoru’s jacket, soaking up the lingering warmth of Kaoru that it had absorbed.

Kaoru wanted to put his arm around Toshiya, in a gesture of comfort as well as for shared warmth, but he restrained himself. It somehow didn’t seem right.

“Toshiya... what has Die been telling you?”

Large eyes blinked in confusion, swiveled to him. “What do you mean?” he asked softly.

“You seem to blame yourself.”

“Oh.” The bassist looked away again. Then he merely shrugged.

Concerned, Kaoru frowned. “And...?” he prompted. “Toshiya—this isn’t your fault.”

“Sure it is.”

He suddenly felt colder. “Why do you say that?” < Just because Die tells you...? >

“I...” Toshiya trailed off, eyes turned to Kaoru. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “But—so many people have been affected by this. So many people are being affected... None of this would have happened if not for me.” His voice was faint.

“Or me,” Kaoru countered. “Totchi—we’re all part of the problem. Not just you. Did you not say anything about Die hurting you because... because you thought you—deserved it?”

When Toshiya nodded hesitantly after a long moment, eyes remaining on Kaoru’s, the guitarists’ heart ached.

“You don’t deserve that,” Kaoru whispered, reaching up and stroking the side of Toshiya’s face where the bruise was still visible. Toshiya’s skin was chill, his eyes fluttered closed at the touch, he unconsciously leaned into Kaoru’s hand. But he didn’t respond.

“Toshiya... please look at me.” Dark eyes slid open, finding his. Kaoru didn’t pull his hand away, and Toshiya didn’t seem to want him too. “Whatever Die told you—it’s not true. You don’t deserve all the blame for this.

“Maybe... maybe it did start with us”—he emphasized the word ‘us’—“but the fact that it has gone this far is independent of our actions. We just—we didn’t think. I didn’t think that it would end like this, that Shinya would be so affected, that Die would react like he did.”

Toshiya breathed a small sigh, seemed unconvinced because his eyes were so completely and consistently sorrowful. “Kaoru,” he said softly, “I won’t try to—to explain Die’s reaction. But... but what I did—I hurt him. In a way, more deeply than you did Shinya, because...

“A while ago, a little over three months, Die and I almost broke up. Because he slept with someone else.”

Kaoru stared back in surprise. He knew nothing of this. He tentatively pulled his hand back, and Toshiya did not seem to notice. He let it drop.

“And so much happened between us, there was so much that I said to him, how he hurt me... ‘How could you do this to me?’ I said.” Toshiya’s voice was a cruelly quiet and bitter mockery of himself. “And now—I did so much worse to him. He was drunk and it was a one-night stand, and then I turn around and... and there’s you... and....” He trailed off, lowering his eyes in what appeared to be shame.

Kaoru studied his features for a long time, letting what Toshiya had just narrated sink in.

“Totchi,” he finally ventured, “is that why you let him—hurt you? Why you let him make you believe you deserved this? Why he told you you ‘owed’ him?”

Toshiya shook his head, biting his lip momentarily. “You don’t understand, Kaoru,” he whispered. “You—you can’t.”

“I understand that what happened gave him no right to hit you,” he countered. “I’m not trying to say that what we did was right, that we still cheated on Shinya and Die even if we didn’t sleep together, or anything... We still cheated on them. I know that. I’m not trying to make it seem right...

“But—a person can’t help the way they feel. You can’t hide feelings, not forever.”

Toshiya looked back at him, seeming to want to speak but unable to find the words.

“I still hurt him,” the bassist finally whispered. He let his eyes turn back to the trees.

“And I hurt Shinya,” Kaoru replied. Toshiya did not look back at him. He continued to speak softly. “In the end... We’re all hurting each other. Everything keeps getting worse, I know... But...” He trailed off dismally.

< But what? It’ll be alright in the end? > Kaoru wanted to laugh bitterly at himself. He still had no idea or form of thought of how this might turn out.

He sighed. He didn’t know how to help anything, how to fix any of this that had originated with he and Toshiya.

< There is, however, one problem I can fix, > he thought distantly as the wind rose and he shivered.

“Toshiya... It’s cold out here. Let me take you home.”

“Home?” Toshiya asked quietly, glancing at him. He seemed surprised by the sudden change of subject, and in spite of the protection of Kaoru’s cloak, the guitarist saw him shiver as well.

“My home,” Kaoru replied softly, watching Toshiya’s eyes.

Toshiya’s lips parted, but he didn’t speak for a moment. He fidgeted slightly, shifting almost nervously. “I...”

“Please,” Kaoru cut in. “Aren’t you tired of being lonely?”

Toshiya could only nod, the muted starts reflecting more dimly in his eyes.

“Come on,” Kaoru murmured as he stood. Toshiya rose after only another moment of hesitation, and they turned down the path to leave the park undisturbed and silent once more.

As the slivers of wind dipped by, Kaoru lifted his arm, putting it around Toshiya’s shoulders, seeking warmth and a deeper sense of comfort, of contact. He felt Toshiya’s arm slip around his waist in response, they unconsciously pressed together. In silence Kaoru led Toshiya to where he had parked his car and out of the blue-green, emptily silent park.

*

Dreams were tangled and vicious. He didn’t mean to fall asleep.

After Kaoru and Toshiya left the park, Kaoru drove them home in silence. The silence was both cherished and uncomfortable. Cherished because they were together, and uncomfortable because of everything hanging about and between them.

Upon reaching his home, Kaoru led Toshiya inside with an unconscious pull of his hand, his fingers closing comfortably and automatically around Toshiya’s as the slender bassist followed him up the walk. The wind laced around their fingers, neither seeking to separate them nor sealing them together. Merely a chill touch that was fleeting, searching and gone.

It was late—some time after midnight, not quite one o’clock—and Kaoru made some hot tea. Having told Toshiya to remain in the living room and make himself comfortable, ten minutes later Kaoru appeared in the doorway with two cups of tea. The bassist was sitting on the couch, an afghan from the back of Kaoru’s couch thrown over his shoulders. He appeared to be staring at nothing, gaze fixed dully and thoughtfully upon the dark slash of the window not quite covered by the drawn blinds. Upon Kaoru’s entrance, he lifted his eyes.

Thin curls of steam rose from the two cups, warmth was quickly enveloping, surrounding, inspired by the house and the comfort and the mere presence of the two men together. In spite of everything, in spite of the cruel fact that he did not know what tomorrow would bring, what further shadows would fall upon the lives of those in Dir en Grey, what else might happen to keep Toshiya and Kaoru ever further apart, seeing Toshiya like that, sitting cross-legged on his couch and with an old blanket thrown over his shoulders, brought a small smile to Kaoru’s lips. It was weary and perhaps not fully happy or content, but it was there. Hesitantly, Toshiya returned the gesture, staring at him a moment, and then letting a similar, soft smile curve his lips.

They sat down together and drank tea in silence, breaking the stillness with soft words sometimes exchanged. They no longer spoke of the situation. They spoke of everything else, of menial things that would not matter five seconds later.

Kaoru liked to believe that this is what it would have been like if they were together. Sitting up late, comfortable and content with each other, talking about nothing. This is what it would be like, minus the great shadow of premonition that hung all about, that covered yesterday and tomorrow and hung over their hearts in the present, but that they strove to ignore.

Both Toshiya and Kaoru knew they were stealing time, that they were breaking the rhythm of everything that had been going wrong. They were taking a moment that they should not have, defying others to be together for that night, to experience that which they both had wanted consciously and unconsciously. Simply—to be together.

It was not long before their tea was done and drowsiness was a soft bug flitting about. Kaoru sat back, angling himself against the back corner of the wide couch, and automatically Toshiya settled against him. Kaoru lay on his back, supported slightly by the corner of the backrest and armrest behind him, and he pulled Toshiya against him loosely, comfortably, arms around the slender man’s waist as Toshiya lay against him, slim back a soft warmth on Kaoru’s chest.

Laying in that position, Kaoru did not intend to fall asleep. He didn’t believe he *would* be able to sleep, in spite of the lethargy in the air, because he hadn’t been able to sleep in the past, he had caught bare snatches of rest during mostly only the early hours of dawn. He merely wanted to rest, to continue to be with Toshiya, enjoy his silence and his presence.

But he did sleep, and nameless dreams plagued him. They were not cruel, however, not formed enough to draw him from slumber that had been desperately needed.

What drew him from sleep was a soft brush upon his lips.

Kaoru’s eyes flickered open, awareness gradually washing over him, vision straightening. He was met with the luminous gaze of Toshiya.

The bassists’ lips were slightly parted, Kaoru saw a soft blush staining his cheeks. It was then that he realized he had been awakened by a kiss.

“I’m sorry,” Toshiya whispered, breath very gently touching Kaoru’s face. He had shifted positions—doing so, apparently, without Kaoru realizing as he slept—and was facing Kaoru, he supported himself with his hands in a way Kaoru could not see or feel in the dark.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he continued, eyes sliding away in a rosy embarrassment. “I—I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I just... had to. Because you were laying there, looking so peaceful, like you hadn’t been able to rest like this, and—and you looked so beautiful...”

< You’re so beautiful. >

Kaoru swallowed the rest of Toshiya’s words by tilting his chin up, lifting his head to catch Toshiya’s lips with his own. He felt the bassists’ surprise, he felt lithe muscles tense. But he could not gauge the reaction of the other man’s face or gaze because his own eyes were closed.

The moment of hesitation was short, almost wistful. And then Toshiya kissed him back, his surprise dissolving into warm, pliant lips.

Something was different about this kiss. It was different from the ones they had stolen on stage, carrying on their charade in the sight of the others, and it was different from those precious few moments they had stolen off-stage, such as that one which Shinya had been an unwilling witness to.

When they had looked at each other before, kissed before, it had not been an action sculpted solely of lust. Lust had never been the single aspect of attraction between them, it had always been more than a simple desire for beautiful flesh.

But now it was deeper, deeper in an emotional sense. Threads of the things they had gone through, the pains they had sustained and sorrows they had been put through and caused bound them together more tightly, deepened this shared moment.

Through the attempts of others to keep them apart they had inexplicably, undeniably, sought each other only more desperately. Seeing each other in a hurtful, dynamic situation had revealed more three-dimensional aspects, revealed strengths and, more poignantly, weaknesses, weaknesses that did not repel but rather attracted.

Discovering the way Toshiya had been used, the way he had allowed himself to be manipulated, did not lower Kaoru’s opinion of him but instead made him only want to protect the bassist.

Seeing Toshiya almost completely broken by everything around him, by internal guilt and pain and suffering, made him not appear weaker, but as more of a person, someone who needed more than he was receiving, who was more than a flirtatious bassist with a sweet smile.

Knowing how Toshiya had attempted to bring fault solely upon himself, how he had assumed all of the guilt and still fought to sustain himself, not allowed himself to fully break, only hang on the edge of shattering, created a sorrowful soft of admiration, revealed internal strength that had never before been seen.

Kaoru felt more for Toshiya in that moment, as they kissed, than he had in the past. Feelings swept over him more strongly than before, some already entertained and now replenished, others entirely new. And perhaps Toshiya was experiencing a similar soft of epiphany, because although the kiss was not long, when they pulled away, both men were breathless.

Kaoru didn’t know if he should speak, it seemed that words would ruin the sacredness of the situation. As their eyes met and invisible sparks laced the connection between them, Kaoru could see everything he believed in and wanted in Toshiya’s eyes.

He saw strength countered with weakness, felt that desperate need to protect. He saw beauty countered with an inner sense of self-loathing, an emotion he shared and did not believe Toshiya should ever feel, that he wanted to wipe away.

This, *this*, was all he needed. Whatever happened to them, around them, it didn’t matter. They would both be hurt, they would create their own hurt, but only with each other could they recover. They would crawl out of the ashes together or not at all.

The soft words were leaving Kaoru’s lips before he thought, falling into starlit stillness as the shimmering sense of realization fell like a soft, sparkling dust upon the velvet night.

“I love you...”

The whisper slipped into the room. Three words were placed gently and breathlessly onto pedestals of air, an offering, a supplication, a truth, no more, no less. Waiting, breathing, words looking to find life.

Toshiya’s gaze widened slightly, he gazed at Kaoru in a heavy, reticent silence. The expression on his face changed momentarily, became withdrawn and hesitant, wary, unconvinced.

But his eyes never changed. The depth and the glaze upon them, the thousands of facets, did not alter. In the truth of the night, in the truth of the moment, eyes could not lie. Kaoru knew this, Toshiya knew this, must have somehow sensed that he had lost, that his eyes could not be masked. Because then his face relaxed, dropped the mask he had striven to put up, and a sigh not audible but barely felt left his lips.

“I love you, Kaoru,” he returned, voice a very soft murmur.

The words were endlessly meaningful even if Kaoru had already seen the sentiment in Toshiya’s eyes, seen it whispering between them a thousand times but only now finding voice because only now did it find reason.

Wanting this moment not to end, unwilling to let it, begging only of the night to let this instant extend until they were ready to face the sun, he tightened his arms around Toshiya, pulling the bassist against him and seeking another kiss, trusting actions and not empty words to further express their emotions.

This time there was no hesitation, no unwillingness. There was, however, a lingering reluctance that Toshiya gave voice to after a long, passionate kiss, a reluctance that was spoken but that was wavering in form.

“We shouldn’t do this,” he whispered against Kaoru’s lips, pulling away. He drew back only a few inches, his eyes were large and reflected what he spoke, but he in no way moved to distance himself from Kaoru, did not try to loosen Kaoru’s arms there were tight against his back.

“Totchi...”

“We shouldn’t,” he whispered, shaking his head slightly, turning his face away as Kaoru tried to kiss him. The guitarist settled for kissing his jaw, moving then to his pale neck.

With a soft sound escaping his throat, Toshiya let him do so for only a few moments. And then this time, when he drew back, he pulled further away.

“Won’t it only make things worse?” he whispered. But his voice was unsteady, his eyes were longing as he gazed down at Kaoru.

“Does it matter?” Kaoru whispered. “We have to reach a resolution... Everything wrong keeps happening, already *has* happened. This will end soon, for better or for worse. Don’t you want—this? One moment of comfort?”

Toshiya closed his eyes, soft features were painted with indecision, with the clash of foresight and passion, with the conflict of reality and dreams, of day and night and responsibilities. But he never tried to pull away from the way he lay against Kaoru, they both knew Toshiya didn’t want to stop this.

Kaoru let his own eyes slide closed, matched Toshiya’s wordless, defiant blindness.

“For one night...”

Kiss.

“...can’t we have this?”

Breathe.

“For one night...”

Kiss.

“...can’t I...”

Breathe.

“...love you?”

Kiss.

Everything felt perfect, right. This single night, this single embrace, became their reality. Toshiya submitted fully, a moan hovering at the back of his throat upon that third, deep kiss, as Kaoru pulled them ever more closely against each other, meshing their bodies together, as Kaoru’s tongue slid into his mouth.

Reality flew away on wings of darkened silver, the pair let themselves be swallowed by the night and they fell into each other. The knowledge of events past, of yesterday, and the things to come, tomorrow, was distant, distant like the passage of time.

Surroundings, although indifferent and dim, barley seen, changed, and Kaoru led Toshiya from the couch into his bedroom in a blind moment, knowing the way only because it was his home and he had traveled the path long enough to know it by rote. They slipped from one dim, meaningless room to another, locking reality out of wherever they might find themselves.

When they reached Kaoru’s bedroom there was a mutual understanding between them, Toshiya did not let Kaoru move closer to the bed, keeping him standing and holding him back with a caught grip on his shirt. When he pulled Kaoru back to him and the guitarist did not object, elegant, slender fingers released the gathered material and danced instead to the buttons.

They did not come undone easily; after a moment Kaoru could feel Toshiya’s attention drifting from the kiss as he focused on the small buttons. Smiling against Toshiya’s lips, Kaoru renewed the kiss, pulling back Toshiya’s split attention as he heard a murmured sound of pleasure against his mouth, and then he lifted his own fingers to smoothly undo the buttons.

Warm, soft hands pushed the finally freed material from his shoulders, it fluttered to the floor. They broke, Toshiya pulling away.

They had seen each other both shirtless and sometimes less clothed before, both on- and off-stage, but there was something inherently different in this moment, in this act. There were not other eyes around, the atmosphere was not light and meaningless or that of a performance. This was an intimacy that was far different from the past, it was the two of them and the night. A glance would not pass with little meaning over bared flesh, but now with a new desire, a new light. It was no longer look but don’t touch; flesh could feel flesh, hidden in the darkness of the sky.

Toshiya’s eyes met Kaoru’s momentarily, meaningless in an unreadable way, lingering but brief, and then he lifted his hands. His eyes slid away, down to Kaoru’s chest, to the fingers he rested lightly near Kaoru’s collarbone.

Slowly, with a tenderness that was strangely intense, with eyes that were intent and conveying fully the meaning of this moment, Toshiya’s fingers slid over Kaoru’s naked upper-half, searching, exploring. Light touches, feathery, caressing his chest, brushing across his ribs, down his torso, lightly back up the sides. Not intended to be teasing but feeling, wondering, savoring.

The sensation was incredibly arousing, Kaoru could only watch Toshiya’s face with a sort of transfixed passion, see the way he was being studied, and feel an almost uncontrollable shiver rise at each fluttering touch against sensitive skin. Toshiya, after a moment, saw the effect his actions had upon Kaoru, and his exploration of caresses came to a halt.

His eyes lifted slightly, they met Kaoru’s gaze that was dusky with passion from beneath lowered lashes. A teasing smile curved his lips, a coy trademark. And then, watching Kaoru’s face instead of his own hands, he lifted his fingers once again to Kaoru’s collarbone, and then slowly, with a very light pressure, dragged his nails down Kaoru’s chest.

Kaoru bit his lip reflexively, eyes fluttering closed as he arched slightly into the sensation. Toshiya gave a soft, throaty sound that seemed to be half chuckle, half growl, and as his nails traced down Kaoru’s midsection, he leaned forward, covering Kaoru’s lips in a passionate kiss. His arms slid around Kaoru’s back, pulling them once again together, fingers lightly running over Kaoru’s back. Kaoru’s hands found their way to Toshiya’s back; he trailed the fingers of one hand through strands like silk of Toshiya’s hair, and slipped the other behind the slender neck, fingers lightly teasing the back of Toshiya’s neck.

And then again, their kiss broke, as air manifested as a requirement. But Kaoru was unable to make himself break contact once again, he was too desperate to cling to this. Instead of pushing Toshiya away, then, to return the favor and take off the other’s man’s shirt, he let Toshiya’s lips find his neck as his fingers found the easier to free, more spread out buttons of Toshiya’s shirt.

The first button was easy, but then his focus wavered, his fingers halted as he tilted his head unconsciously to the side and Toshiya sucked on his neck, breaking the chain of light, burning kisses. Toshiya relented slightly a moment later, and that was enough to force Kaoru to remember his course. He thought he felt Toshiya smile against the curve where shoulder met neck, but he couldn’t be sure, too many emotions were conflicting and converging in his mind for any one thing to make too much sense.

Toshiya’s shirt fell to the floor, the level of warmth and shared heat and passion heightened. Fingers running over flesh could feel the beginning of a light sheen of sweat, kisses and touches were more intimate, fervent.

Insight came to Kaoru only in flashes as the night wore on, vision seemed to dim as a sensation, he could comprehend only flashes of anything he saw. Other senses heightened, became more important, touch and sensation becoming the primary senses. He could catch momentary moments in a glittering, priceless net, visions he would remember tomorrow, next month, as long as memory remained in tact.

That look in Toshiya’s eyes, in that one moment when their eyes met and everything was again spoken through the gaze. The way the dim light of the room fell into Toshiya’s eyes and was gathered there, seemed to reflect with a particular luminance, refracting more brightly than when swallowed.

The way Toshiya was everything; submissive but stealing breathless moments as the aggressor, shy but utterly sensual, almost teasing, gentle but with enough passion to create an edge.

The suspended moment as Toshiya removed the last of his clothing, as Kaoru found the porcelain perfection of his body to be marred by bruises. Kaoru’s eyes must have betrayed his reaction, because when he lifted his hands to Toshiya’s sides, the bassist did not move, some infinite regret flashed monetarily in his eyes. Kaoru let his hands glide from Toshiya’s slim waist down pale, smooth hips, over the bruises left by rough fingers there, striped on both sides.

His eyes lifted to Toshiya’s, he wanted to speak but did not know what to say, he felt a sense of outrage and sorrow and a deep call to protection, emotions recalled and never buried from yesterday.

“Die... became a bit rough,” Toshiya whispered in explanation, voice hesitant but eyes not trying to leave Kaoru’s. “After... all this began.”

“Totchi...”

“Don’t say anything, Kaoru.” A gracefully slim, white hand lifted to his face, gently caressed his cheek, fingers brushed over his lips. “You don’t have to.”

That hand trailed down to his chest, Toshiya’s face disappeared as he moved closer, his lips drifted to Kaoru’s ear.

“I’m alright—I was then, I still am.”

The warm wetness of his breath made Kaoru shudder, Toshiya’s fingers traced an idle pattern on his moist skin.

“It hasn’t been like this in a long time... How you speak to me. The way you look at me, touch me...”

His voice was husky, died, seemed to almost catch on those last words.

And then no more, no more words for the rest of the night.

So many memories, images and moments and feelings that Kaoru would remember.

The way the silence echoed and words did not matter; what Toshiya and Kaoru found in each other was more than words could express, words were far too empty and overused.

The perfection that seemed to exist as they pressed together, as naked limbs twisted into one and how nothing had ever felt more right, how beyond the flashing passion and heat and desire there was a deep sense of comfort, underlying every other action and emotion.

The sound of Toshiya’s voice as he moaned, as pleasure unleashed a deep, throaty, blissful resonance of rapture. The sound of his voice as he cried Kaoru’s name in a sort of sated desperation, how that last passionate, raw moan escalated in volume, in ecstasy, into Kaoru’s name.

More images, more recollections. Smaller flashes of moments, single touches or embraces that were burned in his mind, in the stars.

That last moment, as reality began to hang itself back in the sky with the stars to wait for morning. That last instant as they lay together and breath was almost fully returned, their breathing a soft hush.

The last kiss shared between two wet bodies tangled together. Murmurs that were unformed but that were meant to be ‘goodnight’ leaving lips before they were pressed together under the stars for that last time.

Then they fell asleep together, content and finally finding peace that, if only temporary, was a comfort held closely, clung to like they held each other.

*

Author’s Comments: Just a few things about that last scene there. First, on that short sequent with the kiss, breathe, kiss, etc pattern (for one night / can’t we have this / for one night / can’t I / love you) it’s up to you to decide who says what. I suppose it might not matter to some of you, but those words are not designated to either of them. Does Tosh speak? Doe Kaokao? Do they alternate? You decide. XD

Second, like I said before, I considered making this a lemon, but really, I don’t think there was any need. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think what I wrote gave enough of an effect. The most important part of the scene, honestly, was the ‘undressing’ idea, I guess, more specifically when Toshiya takes off Kaoru’s shirt and then when Kaoru finds the bruises from Die on Toshiya’s hips. When I originally planned this as a lemon, those were the parts that actually mattered, so I figure why bother with the lemon at all.

And lastly, toward the end, I drew out as the narrator. It’s probably something that’s only noticeable/that matters to me, but I sort of took a step further back on that last set of narration, about the moments Kaoru would remember.

Oh, wait, there’s a fourth. As I continue to re-read some of this, I am displeased. Some sentences in here (okay, so only, like, three sentences) reek of sap... >__< Again, it might just be me because I’m used to writing angst so much that perhaps my opinion is skewed, but still... For the record, I am not completely happy with this last scene. ^^;; Thanks for reading!

to be continued

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