| A Sense of Himself" by Darkfrozenmind A Kaoru (of Dir En Grey) fan fiction. To Die...I hope you won't kill me this time around XD To Kaokao thanks for being my hero XD and of course to everyone who took the time to read this story and commented on it. Thank you for giving this story a chance. Just a warning...small risque factors in there. On to the story...
***** "When you unveil a conscience --- Kyo's eyes glazed over by memory, tinted with light blue, watched as the cloth tumbled and turned in the spin drier of his building's laundry area. A spectacle of snippets coming back to him as he sat there watching it turn according to the the vanity of the machine. Shinya. He slowly took the bed sheet and placed it against his chest. the scnet was of lemon, but still he could pick up his scent, their scent together. Kyo pressed the cloth to him and closed his eyes. He had waited at least two days until hewashed the sheets. Wanting to hold on. What he wouldn't give to have Shinya in his arms again. he would have to return the sheets sometime soon, he wanted to keep it, but then again he was never sentimental, he wasn't supposed to be sentimental. He was tired of that game. But what other rule does everyone follow? Nothing else. Rule by memory, it's your only constant. Kyo spun on his heels and went back to his apartment, banging the door of the laundry area loudly. steps ina hasty retreat, as tears sprung from his eyes. /...here I fucking go again.../ Kyo. He cried for no one...supposedly.
*****
How many days has it been since they had spoken a word to each other? Toshiya quietly looked at hakuei's sleeping form. He was just placing some fresh clothes in their cabinet, but they neither stayed in the same room nor acknowleged each other's presence in a span of 48 hours. A lifetime for Toshiya. Hakuei slept quietly, but to the bassist his disposition seemed far from tranquil, his sleep was disturbed, restless...like there was a painful dream behind those closed eyelids. He looked away. What happened? Everything was going so well, wasn't it? He turned to leave, going to the next room which he had taken as his own. It used to be the one that kaoru occupied when he stayed with them. Now it was his; at least for the past two days when he had clearly walked out and slammed the door on Hakuei. From then on hakuei was tight-lipped and spoke not a word around him. He wanted to scream, yell, scratch his blue eyes out, but he didn't. He was so afraid of aggrevating the situation. Toshiya honored Hakuei's silence, and sought out silence of his own. The bassist was making his way to the living room to replenish his CD stash in his room when an abrupt doorbell rang, as if the one who pushed it lacked the eenergy to complete the task, tilting his head, Toshiya blandly made his way to the front door. He peeped out the side window to see who was at the door. Toshiya intently looked at the figure...youthful male, sandy blonde hair, he looked like he was aound 18 or 19, very handsome. Toshiya wrinkled his nose, the boy must be lost or something. Carefully unlocking the door he opened it slowly, seeing that he towered over the boy he smiled genuinely, but reserved in more ways than one. The boy looked up at him and was the first to speak. "Hi, does a Hakuei live here?" Toshiya tilted his head curiously, and convinced himself that this was some delivery boy that that *bitch* Aya sent to give hakuei something...he focused on what the boy was carrying, looked like music sheets... "Yes he lives here, may I ask who's looking for him?" The boy looked at Toshiya shyly and spoke. "I-I'm from New Sodmy, the band and I was asked to deliver this to Hakuei from Kamijo..." "Oh okay..." "We're recording with Penicillin, a single...Kamijo asked me to give this to Hakuei so he can look over the songs..." "I'm sorry but I didn't get your name..." Toshiya prodded. "Aya." was all the boy said. And Toshiya felt that everything around him grew black. Aya. So this threat wasn't a girl. It was this young boy. Toshiya didn't know whether he should feel threatened or not. He couldn't feel.
*****
The same thing over and over. He felt his tears fall upon his hands, his hands that held Sakurai's clothes. He was packing them for him yet again. Another blasted trip. Another stolen moment away from him. Shinya just wished that that stupid pictorial would end soon, and that stupid book would just come out. Sure Yoshiki was his idol, but still...Sakurai was his, and still he felt that he never had him for himself...always shared time with some other person. If Sakurai wasn't busy, he was tired. He momentarily stopped crying as he zipped up the bag, and *his* Sakurai entered the room mobile in hand. Plopping next to Shinya to cover his eyes with his arm with the hope of resting it. Lithe form, all man and no boy about him Shinya looked at him proudly. Convincing himself that he was the luckiest man alive for being his koibito. Sakurai slowly turned to face him, his grave expression searching Shinya to the bone. "I'll be gone for about two weeks." "What? You said three days!" Shinya couldn't hide the hollowness inhis voice. "Something happened, the photographer used stale film, we have to re shoot the other spreads..." "Can't I go with you?" "No, it'll be busy over there, I won't be able to look after you..." "I won't get in the way I promise, Sakurai...I just need to be with you." Shinya never pleaded, not once, save this time he was almost begging. his lover looked at the wall before him and breathed in deep. "Okay...I'll go ahead, after a week I'll have you picked up here...is that a deal" One week was better than two weeks. "Yes!" Shinya cried out and embraced Sakurai, not minding if his robe flew open as he ventured to him, his body exposed to this man...what part of him had Sakurai not seen? he owned him, and Shinya didn't mind the possession. After a monet of contact and embrace, sakurai went to the porch and drew the glass door closed isolating him from the rest of the apartment, taking his mobile he punched in some numbers. A bleep. "Yoshiki?" "Hi love." "I'll be there tomorrow morning." "I'll pick you up." "Okay." "Sakurai?" "Love?" "What did ou tell Shinya?" "That we have another photoshoot." "Oh..." "Yo-chan...he's following in a week or so...that was the only way...." "Oh...okay." "I love you." " I love you too Sakurai...come to me soon." "I will." Just as he punched the end button, sighing in deep frustration as he knew he had disappointed Yoshiki, Shinya opened the glass door and showed Sakurai two leather jackets one brown and one black. "Which one should I bring????" "Bring the brown one it suits you just fine." "Okay!" "Packing so early?" "Yeah I'm excited! a week with you in LA is just really nice ." Shinya smiled as he turned to go back to their room. Missing out on the darkness that passed Sakurai's face...fleetingly.
*****
"Die!" kaoru almost squeeled as he felt Die kiss his thigh gently. Three in the afternoon and they were still in bed, practically love stained. "Kaoru...you were never this ticklish!" Die laughed as he captured his lover's waist in his strong grasp. Gently he leaned closer, letting his cheek caress the insides of his lover's thighs. Kaoru was practically pulling his pillow apart, for that was what he was holding onto. "I finally have you alone." Die breathed. "You've had me alone for two days already Die..." "Are you saying you want out?" Kaoru chuckled light-heartedly. "You're wearing me out with your exuberance." Die could not stifle his loud laughter and caught Kaoru yet again in his arms, bringing friction between them. Kaoru gasped loudly. Once Die had him, he was helplessly devoted into giving him everything he could. No questions asked, even if that meant Die bugging him to make up for the past *frustrations*, Kaoru had to laugh inwardly. The times they were distracted. The realization that they were alone. That cup of coffee that Die made...he never got to drink. "Hey..." Die cajoled. "Die?" "What are you thinking about?"
"What about us?" "Everything about us." Die smiled and attacked his lover's chest, making Kaoru yelp with the pleasure. He was pretty sure that Die wasn't going to let him go anytime soon. And that was okay, as long as he was with him. Kaorui's eyes were gleaming with pleasure, but he soon realized that Die stopped all his attacks on him, getting up to a sitting position Kaoru looked over at Die. He was lying down back flat on the bed staring up at the ceiling exposing his long and elegant neck. Ever so gently, Kaoru mounted Die's thighs, skin touching at the most sensitive places, lips crawling from Die's chest to his jaw, the redhead passively let kaoru do whatever he wanted. Hands instatnly holding on to Kaoru as he felt the older man rub his opening against Die's member. h closed his eyes,arms around his Kaoru and he breathed in deep as he felt him lower himself upon him, taking in the tightness, Kaoru's walls were tight at first but there was no denying that they fit together, perfectly. THis was Kaoru before him. The friend. The lover. The son. The guitar player. The artist. Kaoru, his Kaoru. Lost in passion, eyes locked in an effervescent exchange...it was so much different from the first time they did this. There were no more doubts. No accusations nor blame. And in the it did end in explosion. When two people loved each other. Die almost sitting up holding on to Kaoru as they both looked at each other upon their release. Not one moment did they look away.
*****
He let his lover sleep. Sitting on the couch, he gently opened the box that lay there untouched, sorting it's contents with his hands finding that certain *something* he was looking for, simply by it's feel under his fingertips. He drew them out slowly. Pictures. His mother. His father. He closed his eyes and counted silently. This month would be his father's birthday. How long has it been since he last visited? How many birthdays had passed without them speaking a word to each other? He put the picture against his heart and closed his eyes. Willing himself not to cry. "It's his birthday two weeks from now." Die looked up and saw Kaoru looking at him solemnly. Die nodded...trying to look happy. He felt himself slide down against Kaoru as Kaoru climbed on the couch, Die embraced Kaoru's flannel covered leg, and leaned against him fully. "i miss them." "I know." Die closed his eyes and snuggled against Kaoru. "we should pay them a visit Die..." "Are you insane?" Die said languidly, without even opening his eyes, dismissing that as one crazy suggestion. "Maybe I am, but I still think we should go." Die drew away and looked at Kaoru. "You're not kidding are you?" "No." Die bowed and hid behind red fringes. "I'm scared to go back there....so many demons..." "I'll be with you all the way." "Promise, Kaoru?" "Promise." Kaoru felt Die snuggle once again, closer, tighter this time, then he heard his soft assent. "Okay." Gentle flinch of his wrist, running his fingers through red hair, seeing that his now long brown locks mingled with it perfectly...Kaoru closed his eyes. Harmony between his identity and hs heart. It all made sense. As long as Die was with him. --- "the door in front of me opens,
[end]
------- notes: I used lyrics from Collective Soul, "Blame" and L'arc-en-ciel, "Voice". don't own them ^^; Thank you to everyone who has been so kind in reading these parts, A Sense of Himself is the first installment for my "Sinful Sonnata" collection. The second installment which is a Toshiya centric series is next in line called "Sometimes Dreams Die" please look out for it. Thank you. Thank you.
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