| A Sense of Himself" by Darkfrozenmind
For my sisters Razzy, NMajik, Yuan and Kako. Thank you for everything. note: O_O I call Atsushi Sakurai here..."Sakurai", I feel much
more comfortable using that than Atsushi.
Chapter 12: Sinfully yours... *****
Letting his eyes adjust to the light seeping through the curtains, Die winced once or twice searching the room for nothing in particular, just orienting himself with the items found within, taken tentaively by sleep. Die's eyes wandered to the couch in his room...it was empty. If memory served him correctly Toshiya should have been sleeping there. He should have been snoring or thrashing on that couch for it's lack of comfort and his overwhelming ability to whine. But there was no one there. Die let his gaze wander to the man sleeping beside him, crumpled into an odd angle, trying to shield himself from the supple cold of the room underneath the blanket they shared. The redhead untangled himself from the covers and gently put it over Kaoru, enveloping him with insulation, trapping in the warmth his body searched for in sleep. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. The room seemed to glow as their curtains shielded them from the glowing rays of the sun outside. A soft muffled sound of neighbors, and the cool air which stayed in their room made everything seem perfect, made everything feel right...even for a while, a glimpse of some lost lasting happiness. Die quietly sat, back resting against the headboard of their bed, looking at the contours of Kaoru's back, exposure left by the blanket, peeking from the edges. Smooth and inviting manifesting itself through the thin shirt that he wore to bed. The room still danced with shadows from the leaves outside, some danced over Kaoru's back, some on their bed, some on the floor. Die reached out and touched Kaoru's nape, his cool fingers making him stir gently in his sleep. die leaned in and kissed the soft skin. Die would have smiled, but something made him look up. Eyes meeting in a quiet encounter. Toshiya.
He should really call Kaoru, and apologize for leaving so early, without even saying goodbye. But that could wait, later...when everything that was going haywire inside him subsides. he could still feel his face burning. his shoulders shaking. Sitting at the backseat of the cab, Sniya wondered why he was feeling this way... Happy. Sad. Happy. Guilty. Happy. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. he ddidn't mean for it to happen...it just felt so nice to be touched, without malice or lust. just one touch from warm hands, human contact to confirm that he wasn't invisible. For that was one of the hardest, darkest things a human could do to another human...to treat him as invisible, bypass his existence into a mere trivial fact. He did't mean for it to go that far. When he saw Kyo's hand spread out into the space between them, he reached out for it, it was warm, soft and inviting. He didn't mean for himself to lean forward and place that hand upon his lips, to kiss those fingers. To wake Kyo from sleep. To let him see his vulnerability. He didn't mean to lead Kyo on. For his hands to grow tight and lace hi fingers with him, let him come even closer...then kiss him, kiss him deep and passionately stir his body from loneliness. He didn't mean to give in. To find himself naked beneath him, coming with every lust-filled breath, until they both fell silent, shaken by the completion of sex...love making...how were they suppose to define it? Until sleep caught his partner. Until he crept from away from his arms. To the other side of the bed. Away from him. Further still untilhe found himself washing away traces of what they shared. Shinya didn't even notice as the cab pulled up to the address he specified, he quietly took some money from his coat pocket and gave it to the driver. Backpack in tow he quietly moved up the stairwell of his apartment. He lived on the second floor. Just as he was turning the key, a fore fom within turned the knob and opened the door. "Shinya." "Sakurai...I thought you were doing pictorilas in LA with Yoshiki?" "We finished early...Where were you?" "I slept over at a friend's house..." "do I know this friend of yours?" Shinya was about to answer when he felt Sakurai's hands on his shoulder, creeping to take the backpack from him, it felt so good, Hands like supple fire, Shinya had to close his eyes and take in the sensation, whenhe felt his lover's other hand reach around his waist and pull him inside the apartment. Shinya bowed and let his forehead rest against Sakurai's shoulder. "I-I slept over at Kaoru's apartment. everyone was there the whole band and we just talked and drank all night..." His voice shaky, trying his best to delete what had happened between him and Kyo. "Ah, yes the Niikura boy...Did you miss me?" "Very much." All defenses taken away once Sakurai kissed him and then his mind went blank as if all the concentration of his thoughts, energy and faith were centered on this man. This man alone.
*****
"Shinya left." Toshiya spoke in a hushed tone. "Huh? How do you know?" "I got thirstyand went out to get a glass of water, as I was coming out he was just closing the front door." "Was he in a hurry?" "Looks like it." "Maybe he got a call from his boyfriend?" Die countered. "Maybe." Toshiya said quietly. Die looked at the bassist, letting his eyes follow Toshiya's gaze, it was an intent gaze as if the bassist was watching, waiting for something to happen. Die realized that Toshiya was watching his hand, still laying upon Kaoru's shoulder, minute movements that seemed to massage the smooth skin. Die didn't want to stop, but for ethic's sake he ceased his caress and looked at Toshiya. Were there still unresolved issues between them? "What is it? What are you thinking about Toshiya?" Die whispered. "Nothing." Toshiya said as he moved to sit on the couch once more. "Toshiya..." "He loves you so much you know..." "I know...I love Kaoru as well." "he's fragile, Die." "I know..." "Despite...Despite him being all strong...he can break easily." "Toshiya...i know, why are you telling me this? What's wrong?" "Because if you make it work, Die, if both of you make it work...then there is a sense in me to still believe in love. there's proof that love exists even if it's not meant for me." "Toshiya! Don't talk like that..." "Just be honest with me Die...what are the chances of two people in this godforsaken world to find each other and give each other happiness? Die, the answer is so miniscule." Die nodded mutely. Indeed what are the chances? "Did you love him while he was with me?" Toshiya quietly asked. "Y-yes." Toshiya looked away. "Die, did he ever go to you while he was with me? Did he steal time with you when he shold have been spending it with me?" "He spent a lot of time in my apartment, just talking, watching football...I suppose they were stolen moments of Kaoru...stolen momnets from you..." Why did he feel so small? Like a beggar? "Why did he love you more than he loved me?" was the reply that Die wasn't counting on. Die had no answer to that. Toshiya saved it with another remark. "I wish someone would love me like he loves you." Die stuttred to say more, with only the most logical phrase bubbling from his mouth. "Hakuei loves you." With that Toshiya lay on his back and hid his face under the pillow he clutched, as if telling Die that the conversation's over. Die looked at him a while longer before sighing and getting up, adjusting his pajamas and proceeding to the bathroom. Sometimes men were more complicated than women. Toshiya threw a whisper that Die never caught... "I love Hakuei too...so much." Two crystalline tears, for the one he loved, threatened to be lost. Toshiya closed his eyes, willing sleep to come. For rest. For escape.
***** The sofa-bed seemed so large with only him as the occupant. He tossed and turned for a bit, snatching glimpses of memory and light. Bits and pieces dancing before he even opened his eyes. he felt his body ache. Not that hateful ache...but rather a delicious one that seeped down to his bones. He smiled to himself, and then he reached out...nothing. He opened his eyes...no one. Was it all a dream then? No, stains upon the sheets confirmed whatever reality he was looking for. It was real. Why now? Why did the tears threaten to fall? He never cried for anybody...why would they fall now? Kyo, turned to his side and hid his face on the pillow he clutched, pulling his body to hide his nakedness. From who? He didn't know. all he knew was that he felt lonelier than ever. He felt cheated. He felt ugly. Ugly... /That's why he left./ he closed his eyes, and willed his body to get up, avoiding the vertigo as he felt gravity take hold of him. Thank god for walls. Thank god for silence. He needed to go. *****
He was the last one out of bed. Noting that even Toshiya whom he last remebered to occupy the couch was gone. Eyes squinting he let his gaze wander to the clock resting on the nightstand and saw that it was 8:00 am. Carefully, he pushed down the blankets that snuggled to him immediately thinking that Die must've wrapped it all around him when he got up. Padding to the bathroom inside their room, he pushed open the faucet and turned to look for a fresh towel, finding one, he bent down and washed his face, thesplashing of lukewarm water felt good against his warm skin. He lavised his face with soft washing cream just to rid it of the sleep. Gently patting his face with the cloth he moved a little to watch his reflection... Indeed he looked fresh enough. Pressing the terry cloth one last time he threw it inside the hamper playfully before padding out to the room and changing his shirt. A fresh white shirt that made him glow as he watched himself in the mirror, he felt vain. And with an affirmative smile he went out of the room. To his surprise there were no noises or laughter coming from the kitchen. Kaoru was expecting that all of them would at least stay for breakfast, his feet led him to the kitchen where he saw Die quietly drinking coffee, another empty mug beside him. Kaoru cleared his throat. Die smiled before he even looked up. "My turn to make you coffee." without a secnod thought he grabbed the empty mug and proceeded with the task. Kaoru couldn't help but smile, he pulled out a chair and took the Daily paper that rested on the dge of the table, still unopened. He gently took off the folds of the paper and read the headlines...absent mindedly asking where everyone had gone. "Kyo left just a few minutes before you got up, he said that he had some errands to run, and well he was kind enough to take the bedsheet for him to clean...I think he must've puked on it or something...and well Toshiya said Shinya left early, if my guess is correct i think he got a call from his boyfriend and left..." "How about Tohsiya?" "Ah, Toshiya called Hakuei on his mobile and he kept nagging him to pick him up here...remember giant suit case?" Kaoru choked out a laugh remebering the size of Totchi's baggage. "Okay, then what happened?" "Well, that nagging ended up in a fight...Toshiya was practically yelling at Hakuei, demanding him to pick him up. Well...I guess he got his way because around 15 minutes or so Hakuei was honking loudly outside." Silence. "He'll be okay Kaoru...Toshiya's a big boy, he can very well take care of himself." "I know." Die gently placed the steaming cup of coffee in front of Kaoru before kissing his temple. "It's just that...Die, Hakuei prmised me that he'd take care of Toshiya, love him and all that..." Die pulled Kaoru close, letting Kaoru's cheek rest against his hip...as he stared down at the paper kaoru was reading... "Couples have dr peroids Kaoru, it's not their end, I believe they are made of tougher stuff than that...it'll be okay." "I hope so." "Have faith." Kaoru nodded. "Are we..." "Kaoru?" "Are we made of stronger stuff as well, Die? Are we going to last?" "If you're asking for my opinion and deision...yes we are." Kaoru closed his eyes and snaked his arms around Die's waist. "I believe you."
*****
"Why the hell are you yelling at me!?" Hakuei's desperate tone rang across the garage of their apartment complex. They arrived around 30 minutes ago but neither one of them made the move to get out of the car. Toshiya's eyes blazed as he stared at Hakuei, who sat there clueless as to why Toshiya was so angry, enraged. "What;s holding you back in that studio Hakuei!?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "You never come home, I ask you to pick me up this morning and you makea ton of excuses! Hakuei...we never even talk anymore..." Toshiya's voice faded into a silent plea. shying away from Hakuei's outstretched hand reaching out for him. "Is there someone else Hakuei?" The blonde looked away, he wasn't even sure himself. so he answered as truthfully as he could... "No, there's no one." his whisper caught and battled with one word that Toshiya threw at him as the bassist slammed the car door shut on him. "Liar."
(tbc) back to DEG fics page 3 |
.gif){kind=small}
.gif){kind=small}