This was written by me the day I returned home, two weeks to the day that I left to bury my baby brother. Two weeks of making funeral arrangements, meeting with the coroner, meeting with witnesses, copying death certificates and answering questions. Two Weeks of HELL! Harsh? Cold? Bitter? Yes! DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE By Debbie April 3, 2000 In Loving Memory of my brother Johnny Paul King January 18, 1966-March 17,2000 Do not tell me to be glad I have another sibling, my parents, my children, my husband etc. and to be grateful. Losing Johnny or any loved one is not like losing a finger and you still have 9 left. Do not ask me all the gory details, I will tell you what I want you to know when I want you to know. Do not ask me who is getting his personal belongings or who his insurance is made out to. If you are the one I will notify you. Do not tell me Johnny was an adult and made his own choices. Thank you for those words of wisdom but I am already aware of it. I see this as an insinuation that he got what he deserved. He did not deserve to die this way. It is hard enough for us to live with the knowledge of his problems and the helplessness and failure we feel in helping him overcome them. And it does not make him any less dead. Do not tell me he would not want me to be sad, I didn’t want him to die, so we are both out of luck. Do not tell me its God's will or it’s his time. This does not make the pain any less. And I’m not so sure it was Gods will my brother get hit by a car and thrown 112 feet, or its GODS will he have an addiction problem which ultimately lead to his death. Or Gods will that a child is murdered, or a brother lingers for months with a terrible disease. Do not tell me "It is not like he was your child or something, he was "just" your brother. Do not tell me he is better off. This may very well be true but we still love him and want him here with us. Do not keep hounding me to eat or sleep. I am an adult. Frankly, I have no appetite and I am not sleepy. I will eat and sleep when I want to. I do not need this harping along with everything else I am trying to deal with. Do not treat me like a child. Do not ignore my children. They are confused, hurt and sad too. They have also lost someone they love. Do not stay away because you don’t know what to say, (how about I’m sorry) you don't want to intrude, or you think we will be overloaded with people. If everyone has the same opinion, then who is there? Do not stop talking about Johnny or his death when I walk in the room. I know what has happened and that he is dead; in fact I may very well be the one that delivered the news to you. I want you to talk about him, mourn for him, and most of all...remember him! Don’t say “call me if you need me“ as you are walking away, odds are I will not call. Why not call me? If dishes need washing, why not wash them for me? If a bed needs making or grass needs cutting why not do it for me? Simple things like this can sometimes be the greatest gift of all! Do not judge my reactions or assume how I am holding up. Shock can be a strange, scary and wonderful thing! There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, so don‘t tell me what I should or should not do. What works for you may not work for me. Do not tell me I dont need to go to the cemetery or I should not go to the cemetery. Just because you can not handle visiting your loved ones, do not expect me to feel the same way. There is no time limit on grief, so don’t tell me I should “get over it“ “put it behind me“ “don’t think about it” “get back to work” “keep busy so I will forget about it” or ask me “how long I am going to worry about this?“ When they invent the pill for selective amnesia I will be the first in line otherwise I will NEVER forget. I will think about him and miss him for as long as I breathe! It took me 34 years to get to know and love Johnny. Why do you expect me to put him out of my mind as though he never existed, the day after the funeral, 2 weeks later or even a year later? Do not tell me you know how I feel. If you have not been there you do not have a clue, so thank God and count your Blessings. When you tell me you are there for me, mean it. Be there. DKM