Welcome page 2Somewhere in all this more Jennifers came into my life! The first time I met Jenn2 (there is a pun there that I’m not going to explain!) she had just been thrown out by her parents. She’d been accused of stealing money from her dad. I gave her the phone number for the local safe house. She was at the library trying to figure out what to do. The boy she was talking to was trying to hit on her. That was his sole interest. I don’t blame him for finding her pretty. He just could have listened to what she was saying for one thing. I didn’t know it but two weeks later her younger sister would be caught stealing money and confess she was the one taking the money. A week later dad let Jenn2 back in the house. (Does this sound a little odd to you too?) I saw Jenn2 around town every now and then. We’d wave hi to each other.
What I’m coming up to is why I won’t use her real name. No she’s done nothing wrong. The problem is that you may know her and I haven’t any inkling as to what sort of person you are.
The next time I met her it was outside the library after it closed one evening, she was back out on the street again. Had been for two days. We sat and talked. She told me how the last time she’d stayed at several friends’ homes until she was allowed back home. She told me what had happened this time, or rather what hadn’t happened. Stick with me, it will make sense-sort of. Her boyfriend had been telling her they “had” to start having sex. She wasn’t indisposed to the idea and had been thinking along those lines too.
However, she wasn’t sure it should be with him. It was a matter of trust and she has had some real problems along those lines with him. (And they were about to get worse.) The other issue she told him is that she is bisexual and there is a particular girl coming on to her and yes they had necked a lot and was interested there as well. But she needed to figure a few things out before doing anything with anyone! So far I didn’t see a problem but maybe I’m an idiot. The boy blew his top and punched her around. She told him they were through. She went to her part time job at a fast food place in a local mall. The exboyfriend went to all the friends’ parents with one hell of a story. A couple of the less tolerant parents and the boy went to dad who went through the roof on the way to the other girl’s house with the boy and the others. The almost girlfriend decided the wise thing to do was protect her own backside,” oh no not me, I could never do anything sick like that but she is always trying to get me to do some really weird freaky stuff with her I didn’t want to tell anyone what’s she’s really like” That’s my paraphrasing of what I was told. The upshot is she was now out and this time none of the parents of her friends would let her in. No one wanted what he or she saw as trouble on his or her door. Everyone at school avoided her. The one good spot was that when dad called her boss to “warn” him the guy said it was none of his business and he wasn’t going to fire her. Still when she got home and found her stuff broken on the sidewalk in front of the house you can imagine the heartbreak she felt. I took her to a Chinese buffet restaurant and treated her to supper. I have to admit I was glad for the company. She packed away all she could eat. Frankly, I was a little bit in awe she was so very hungry! She had no place to go so she stayed with me, for three nights. No, nothing happened. On the second night she was talking about this reputation she now has and the fact that not only was she still a virgin and all she’d ever done was neck with them! She said that if everyone was after her backside (my wording) then she might as well give it to somebody nice and it might as well be me. I told her no. Not that she isn’t pretty. She is, very, with lustrous black hair. And if I said I wasn’t tempted I’d be lying. I was very tempted. And it wasn’t a matter of her age. Though maybe that should be a consideration. But my own thought was that it would be taking too much of an unfair advantage of her in this situation. She was with me for shelter and some protection. It wouldn’t matter if it was her idea, I would be abusing her trust. I wouldn’t be sure she felt she “had” to, like she had no real choice. And that my friend would make it rape as far as I’m concerned. One S.O.B. who didn’t give a damn put me in this fix and I’m not going to join his side.
In the morning she and I would go to the park to wash up. You know that headache you can get from really cold ice cream? Well you can get it from washing your hair in the really cold water from that cold water only faucet! It’s really funny what will make you laugh. Once that hot searing pain goes away! We both giggled through our pain. Her hair was so beautiful that morning.
Anyway, as I wrote she only stayed three days. I contacted friends of mine; they were able to take her in. She finished out the school year, indeed she was allowed to skip her senior year and go to college. I helped her pack for school.
She gave me a kiss on the cheek and a big long hug. She told me that I was a good guy. And that isn’t so bad!
Jenn2, I miss you and wish you the best! There’s a world out there and I want you to find your place in it. The same thing I told to Jenn L, kitty and you was and is: “there’s a world out there, go out and conquer it.” Jenn2 as a parting shot said that when she is 18 she might just come and see if she can find me if I’m still here and drag me off to a luxury hotel room. I doubt that’s going to happen but thanks for the thought friend. I find it a tempting offer but that doesn’t mean it is the best idea.
Then there was Jenn P. She’s a nice person getting her way out of an abusive relationship. Sometimes I don’t understand the relationship. We are such different people and of quite different backgrounds. Sometimes I think I spook her because I’m so different. But she’s a good person with a good heart.
There are quite a few Jennifers in my life. Dee has said I’m a Jennifer magnet. Funny, I don’t notice any sticking to me!
A few days back when I was online I ran into a quote attributed to the Dalai
Lama. He states that a major problem for people in situations like mine isn’t lack of companionship but rather the lack of human affection. This echoes my own feeling on the matter.
I have spent a great deal of time trying to see about some way to get back into school. I would prefer a career in arts or this new endeavor and art of the Internet. It is more than a simple communication. Just look around, there is a certain drama to it. Sometimes in my own attempts I have found pathos and high humor. I set up two “stores”, a homeless guy with two stores? Come on, isn’t that just a little absurd, somewhat of an oxymoron? Life can have a strange Grand Guiginol edge to it. But back to “schooling”, I have sought to enter college locally and met great resistance. I never realized before but there are those who believe homeless persons should not be allowed to change their status. I don’t doubt there are scholarships and grants I may qualify for.
But when people withhold information or outright lie what can you do. At least while you are still under the idea that they are telling the truth. My best guess is that I will have to fund my reeducation myself. If they don’t know I’m homeless then they won’t be able to hold me back. I was really surprised to find that the state and federal governments had no programs open to me. Everyone tells me to go to Social Services. They told me to I didn’t qualify. One very “unsocial” worker told me since I wasn’t either on probation or a pregnant illegal alien there was nothing they could do for me. I wonder how much was a lie and how much was her just venting her anger at a job she doesn’t like? Hopefully, I will be able to solve my own problem before these good people get around to noticing it in a hundred years or two!
I know that many other people have similar vexing problems when dealing with the “system”. Don’t know if that makes it easier to deal with or not. Anyone who isn’t aware the “social safety net” has a lot of holes in it has never had to try to access it. Personally it doesn’t resemble a safety net as much as it looks like somebody dug the hole ten feet deeper and then lined the bottom with a foot or so of broken glass! Maybe I’m not the one to complain, but hasn’t anyone else noticed that the system doesn’t work? I have friends on disability, and social security keeps trying to revoke their meager ”benefits”.
I know a lot of people who have massive problems with their HMO’s and find that those in charge of their health are actually endangering their lives. I believe it was in one issue of the National Lampoon that the old Soviet Union invaded Plattsburg, N.Y. There was one part that showcased the new health system. It ran along the lines of, “Take two aspirin. If still sick in morning, die!” Sounds like what we have. The thing I find astonishing is that this isn’t the work of the “liberals” but of the “conservative” element of our government! Not that the “liberal” establishment put up any real opposition. Hell, they took credit for the reforms! But what we have violates all conservative beliefs! So I guess they all sold out. Hope they got better than thirty pieces of silver. Gee, it sounds like I trust the system as little as the people in all those small militias! Actually I understand feelings of anger, they must feel that their country has abandoned them. To a large extent they are right on that idea. However they get the rest of it all wrong after that. They attack the very people who would be their best allies. In the end they have weakened themselves and failed their own needs and each other.
See, I told you this was a rant!
As far as I am concerned most of the sites “about the homeless”, especially by religious groups, are a complete waste! They have a way of going on about what they’ve done for “them”. We, no let me say I am not a “them” to be kept “on the other side of that line, please.” while you can see the fear and, yes, the loathing in their tight like a fist face. I hope I didn’t offend anyone just now but so few have worried about how offensive they have been to me!
I am sounding more angry and pessimistic than I actually feel. Little of this is easy but I do have a strong hopeful core. It isn’t based on anything that I have no control over. If I based my hope on anything based on things outside my control is asking for disappointment. I set goals that I see as doable, not that I don’t try to reach further all the time. To put it simply my plans do not rest on my buying the next big winning lottery ticket. That is the sort of unreasoning, unrealistic expectation that I hear of and see all the time. It is hard to reach for the stars while keeping my feet on the ground. Anybody with any suggestions will get my attention.
I would ask that you look around in your own community. I’m not unique, there are too many guys and gals like me, many are teens. They are all in need of honest help. I’m not telling you to move people you don’t know into your house. But become aware; become active in some manner and degree, even if only because this could happen to you. Hopefully it won’t.
I wrote about having this laptop. It has been an experience to indulge in an understatement. Usually to go online I used one of the free ISP services. I preferred Freelane from Excite and Blue Light from Yahoo. I have used Net Zero but seem to have a lot more dropped connections and browser problems. I used a pay service, Earth link, for a while but I found I had too many problems. Freelane and Bluelight have proved the most stable and the least trouble. I never got the free AltaVista to work but found a free Internet CD from ACE HARDWARE (!). That one I grabbed in the weird hope it will be a collectors item and worth a few dollars. Or at least a laugh! This system came with the Microsoft browser but I installed a 30-day trial version of Opera 3.6. Although it can’t do all the stuff that the Ms. Browser does it seems to work faster without the problems those features also create.
But that’s just tech, I have used this to earn money, I’ve made a really great friend (Yay, kitty!), and I’ve started to contact old friends – I checked their addresses and phone numbers at address.com. I use email to keep in touch with my sister and brother (Yay, Siri and Frank!). Hell, it is better than most of TV as far as I can see. But it is the human contact I’ve been able to make is what matters to me. I just installed a virtual pet from Dogz and while it isn’t a real dog, it brightens my day when I’m lonely or just bored. Dee had this great guard dog at the shop and well I can be such a sucker for canines. Cats too, if you want the truth.
I have since becoming homeless felt cut off from the rest of you. I know that I must sound very harsh and judgmental in talking of “the few who treat me as a human being”, please understand that for me this is an emotional issue. That although there are the political/sociological issues involved, this is a very personal issue. There was seldom one minute in any hour of any day that I was allowed to forget or put aside that I was homeless. I also can very plainly see that some homeless people can be intimidating, hell some are downright scary! All groups have their saints and sinners; sometimes they’re the same person.
In solitude one can grow and learn to flourish, but isolation withers the soul. And the difference isn’t just in “you”, “we” (us homeless/me) have to learn how to reach out to “you”. This site is another attempt.
There is no easy way out of my situation. Not unless one of you nice people has an unredeemed winning lottery ticket- say a mere 30 maybe 40 million dollars- and is willing to send it to me?
I thought not! Well it was a nice fantasy. Anyway among my attempts to change my luck, I opened two online stores. They are an attempt to earn a real, decent, honest income also a way to learn how to use this medium to connect with you. Of course these were affiliate type “stores”. I could dictate the look of the free web pages and give them a unique name but it was up to me to get traffic to them, which hopefully would then buy. The company called V Store would do shipping and pay me a commission. I decided to give it a try considering all that was asked of me was to advertise the sites. The goods looked to be of a good quality. One store had an Irish theme which I had hopes for. This was all before the “dot com” bubble burst. I found that I was able through this site to get some traffic to them in the end no one was buying and eventually the company had to close unproductive sites because of the cost of space on a server. In the end I saw it would take bigger cash investment than I could afford to advertise enough to maybe make them pay. Someday I’d like to try again using what I learned.
My friend kitty and I both share in having Irish ancestry. The truth being she inherited the genes not just for brains and beauty but also for charm and grace! The same can be said for my dear Jennifer L., also of Irish extraction. The truth being this boy is always delighted and amazed by women who have even the slightest touch of Ireland to them. I always listen to what they tell me and hope to learn.
Here I am telling you how sold I am on Irish women! That’s sad Joe, real sad! I’ll never get rich like that!
Sometimes it gets a little hard to remember to just have some fun. Kitty (bless her heart) sends me stuff to read or go see that reminds me that it isn’t so hard to let go of my troubles for a while and just enjoy life. In that same spirit, here’s a joke; “ Why does the Easter Bunny hide her eggs? She doesn’t want anyone to know she’s been messing around with a chicken! ” Or my current fav, “ I stepped on a grape but it didn’t cry. It just gave a little wine!” Of course you know why cannibals don’t care for comedians? No? Ah, it is because they taste funny!
There are times I fantasize about being some other place; usually it’s Xanth or the Discworld, sometimes Ireland or Norway. (I have a sister who lives there. It’s a long story. Hi Siri, I love you!) For those who don’t know (shame on you!) XANTH is the creation of Piers Anthony and Terry Pratchett writes about the Discworld. When it gets really desperate I “visit” those realms. Sometimes I read the books, occasionally I pretend to vacation in them and take Jennifer, Kitty, Chip, Siri and some past friend or more with me. You can visit too! Besides reading the books, which I do urge you to do, most search engines and directories can send you to sites and web rings for the authors. I belong to a couple of Discworld groups online.
Send really neat teddy bear e-mail to someone from the Vermont Teddy Bear Store and Museum in Shelburne, Vermont. The URL for the e-mail cards is <http://www.virtualbeargram.com/> I send these to my friend kitty and others. I would like to thank the good people of this company for providing this service free to us all. That you can send from almost any browser was a real help to me. And as soon as I am able I’m going to buy one of their bears and have it sent to someone. A big bear hug to everyone at the Vermont Teddy Bear Company!
***************************************************On Homeless links
Although you could go to Yahoo, or Excite or any good search engine and get a listing of sites about or by homeless people let me direct you to these sites from my links page. I encountered them in my own search for information and healing! Many of them come from educational institutions some are by homeless/once-homeless people. Among the last my favorites are the Tedrico pages and the people at STREET WRITES in the Seattle area. “Tedrico” is a formerly homeless man from the Riverside area. His story is interesting and personally inspiring. I have had very little success, none really, using the offered resources from the either government or “faith-based” groups who mainly warehouse bodies to change my situation. The only way may be by my own work (with a little help and encouragement from friends and family). My feeling is that no matter how important the writing of some scholar, researcher or politician may be, even more importantly I need to read the words of other homeless people!
There are a lot of people I should thank for their encouragement and kind words. More than I would have thought, prominently among them are the casts and crews of two years of Shakespeare Off the Fringe and the hard working wonderful people at our public library here in Moreno Valley! They have been a bigger help than I can ever tell or repay!to next page