demon I wrestle with. At present I seem to be beating it to a draw. At first it had me
by the jugular, in time I hope to put it to rest. Let me start with what it was like for me
early in being homeless and having this “nightmare”. It is early in the morning I am curled
up on the back seat of my ’89 Plymouth Colt asleep. I have no idea of the time, it has to
be past midnight maybe not by much but not having a watch I wouldn’t know. Truth is the particular hour doesn’t matter because at first I would have this happen at least twice
each night.
Anyway it truly isn’t a dream though it is a nightmare. It is related to what is sometimes called “night fright”.
I wake up with a start. I have no idea what if anything in particular that has startled me awake. It is dark and cramped on the backseat. It wasn’t designed with the idea of a grown body stretching out to sleep on. There is cardboard up over most of the windows to cut
down on light coming in and on prying eyes. But you see I have woken with a start and for a way too long a moment have no idea where I am. My first thought is that where am I? This isn’t my bed. What happened to me? What happened to me, my life? Where is my home? Where is my family?
And then I remember, it all comes crashing in on me. My friend telling me she’d been
raped. Almost everyone lining up against her, the rest of that horrible week and my being “disowned”. Especially by one because I would not defend her boyfriend. Almost everyone
I care for shutting me out – apparently for not being on the boy’s side from what I’ve
been told.(At this point in time that no longer bothers me. Not that I approve, I just no
longer give a damn what they believe or think.)Then I remember what happened to my life
~ not that it helps.
It is all that simple; I wake up, “where am I” and count to three and then “oh yeah, that’s right.” Doesn’t sound like much does it? Living it is quite an experience I tell you, one I wish on no one. No matter what they may have done to me, or another. I guess we all have things that can come up behind us and go “BOO!” that while others may say “What’s the problem?” will scare us to death.
Like true vampires nightmares are shape shifters they can take any form. I guess that depends on what scares us, on what we dread or on what we fear to lose. Our fears can also rob us of the strength and will to fight them. They come at us from behind and grasp tightly. If they were physical objects we could shake them off and expose them to the light of day. Then we could see just how small and truly insignificant they are. That’s why they like to strike from behind in the dark without warning. Now maybe I’m anthropomorphizing too much here but I think our irrational fears are cowards and the fear we feel are theirs, not ours! That’s why it paralyzes us! Quite often our fears have nothing to do with us that is why I assign them not to us but to something outside ourselves. I picture fears as being very small creatures with large clawing hands and feet, perfect for rushing up on you in the dark and never letting go once they have you. And of course they are amazingly heavy once attached! Oh to be able to pick them off like a flea and once holding them up in front in daylight to
be able to say “Why you’re nothing at all! Now get the hell out of here before I crush you!”
as we toss them aside rid of them forever.
There is a certain truth to the idea that we hold ourselves back as much as any outside influence restrains us. Quite often no matter how bad the outside world is indeed we can be our own worst enemies. We let our fear kill us from trying. Now it is true that this has been
a survival instinct to our advantage at times. It keep our ancestors from tackling that bear single handedly without weapons or walking off that cliff just to see what happens next. But when we are ruled by our fears then we don’t have a problem as much as the problem has us and it has us by the throat and doesn’t want to let go.
Now my particular nightmare isn’t truly a dream in the usual state as much of it occurs while I am conscious but it is blurs the distinction with waking dreams. I was told that it arises from deep stresses; indeed the first time I heard post-traumatic stress disorder
used in reference to me I laughed. I thought of that as something you had to go through
battle to get or be in a tornado or earthquake and lose everything and everyone to get.
What I failed to understand was that my whole life had been picked up and throw away by others, that it had been a pane of glass that somebody had put a brick wall through and my little brain couldn’t tell that from a war or earthquake. I didn’t “understand” that I’d lost everything but part of my brain sure did and this is how it expresses it. One of the reasons why I write, why I have this website is to give it other ways to express itself. Anything to
not wake up like that! The first time I had this experience was a day before I became homeless. During my first month I had it almost every night. I got very little sleep in that
car. I kept waking during the nights. I would be up and gone before sunrise most mornings
and in the evenings I would hang around the malls and stores till they closed. Anything to be round people, to be close to people hoping to feel I still had some connection to the human race! That is how “out” of it I felt. Most people I met only increased this alienation I felt,
not necessarily that that was their intent but once you are homeless it is amazing how nasty many people can be, even if they don’t realize it!
So this was my nightmare and my thoughts on it. Welcome to it for whatever it is worth. Alice Cooper would have been a nice touch but here at the end Elvira saying “Unpleasant Dreams!” would be more appropriate but honestly I wish you nothing less than good dreams and the strength to deal with all your fears and problems. We all have troubles and worries and maybe understanding this is part of what it means to be human ~ also to remain so in the face of adversity.
To return just wake
up if you can, or enter the light below…
Careful, don’t burn
yourself! Sleep well!
