| Psycophant
Dear Mr Dutch Joop Bersee In my last correspondence, I expressed some anxiety that I was not praising your poems highly enough. I said I was concerned that you might consider me a fawning sycophant. I didn’t want you to think I was attempting to praise my insincere way into your good graces, and hence, into an acceptance on your esteemed poetry site. I was greatly reassured when you said I should not use words like ‘sycophant’, because your wife had torn your dictionary in half and S-Z is now being used to bolster up your couch. I realise what a fortunate twist of fate it is that the word starts with an ‘s’ and not a ‘p’, like ‘psychology’. I’m sure the couch likes the dictionary very much. It is probably learning many satisfactory new words. Perhaps it is even discovering that couches do very much better when they are sycophantic to the bums that sit upon them. Not that I’m suggesting you are a bum. I’m sure you are a very nice Dutch man. I would go and do likewise instantly if I had a couch. But which dictionary would I use? The Afrikaans dictionary would do the trick. It is certainly thick enough. No reflection of course on that nationality that are descendants of your noble forefathers who are also ancestors of mine. I could try that dictionary. But for one thing – the Afrikaners are not great into service. I wouldn’t trust a dictionary like that not to deliberately spoil your day if you sat where they had been forced to serve. No, I will save the Afrikaans dictionary for the day I need a ruler. I don’t actually possess a ruler. The life of a poet is hard. I cannot afford one. I use my credit card when I need a ruler. But it is groaning from overuse right now. The Afrikaans dictionary would prefer to double as a ruler very much better. The Zulu one then? It might suit the purpose better. Zulus have very nice bums – as a generalisation. They are sturdy monuments to an ancient culture. If one has never had the fortune of decent buttocks, then this proud attribute is the source of very great envy to a pale-faced slack-backsided individual. But no. No. No. That is way too politically incorrect. King Goodwill Zwelethini will take offence. He will lose his good will, will send his impis to massacre me. It will never do have Inkatha Freedom Fighters toyi-toying outside the window where I would put the couch if I had one. At least I have a pretty window. I am grateful of that, let me assure you. I own a tatty French dictionary bought at a kerkbazaar, where they also sold good koeksusters. That was when I was in high school. It did not serve me well then, bringing me a pitiful D for French. I don’t imagine it will serve me (or the couch I would like to buy) any better now. It will not be the French dictionary I select for this job of couch bolstering. Now, I must leap from my pondering of which dictionary I would destroy for the couch I do not have. You will get a nice letter from me later today telling you one of two things: Either I will have bought a couch that requires no dictionary for stabilisation and I will have bought ear plugs to shut out the sound of the groaning credit card. Or I will have bought the Reader’s Digest Multi-Purpose dictionary in anticipation of the couch I will buy when I am a rich poet because you have paid me handsomely for all my poems you will publish on your nice internet site. That would be the best solution, as I am very keen to emulate your style in home decoration. Now that I know you don’t know what sycophantic means, I rest assured that you will not think less of me if I say: You are my hero. |
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