JD: John Doh here reporting from New York's secret Y2K bunker, safely ensconced on the top floor of the World Trade Center. Mayor Giuliani, thank you for this interview and for the guided tour of this amazing facility.
RG: My pleasure, John. I speak for all New Yorkers when I say we're deeply honored by your presence in our fair city.
JD: Hey, you're welcome! OK, my first question deals with this very room. Why did you put your emergency command post in a building that was previously attacked by terrorists? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
RG: Actually, this is the last place a terrorist would think to look. Why would they bomb a building twice in a row? It's a waste of good explosives and rather excessive from an aesthetic point of view. Besides, this facility is top secret. Hush-hush, you know.
JD: Ummm, I see no fault with your logic. My second question deals with your controversial image. Some critics in the City have labeled you 'Mussolini on the Hudson', 'Adolf Giuliani' and 'Herr Ghouliani'. They point to your heavy-handedness and overuse of the police force as signs of a fascistic personality.
RG: NEIN! Err…I mean, no. That's not true. The critics you speak of have no respect for the law or for themselves. One day, when I have the necessary legislation in place, I vill grind their faces into their own filth. They will cry out, 'Ach, ach, this filth is choking us', but I vill not let up. The dirty little vermin…
JD: Alrighty then, let's change the subject to something that's well…less emotionally charged. Oh yes, tell us a bit about your campaign against the West Nile/Encephalitis mosquito problem.
RG: Very well. The hordes of godless mosquitoes have advanced here und here (pointing to a map) but fortunately my elite sanitation teams have brought them to a standstill on 57th Street. These teams are forbidden to retreat from that position under pain of fine or reprimand, so help me Gott! In the meantime, I initiated an airborne blitzkreig utilizing a secret chemical weapon called Malathion. SWAT teams have also been deployed to the suburbs on perilous search-and-destroy missions. They will smash every birdbath and fill in every puddle. No pool of stagnant water will be left to shelter the impetuous insects. New Yorkers require lebenstraum, therefore the mosquitoes must go. NOW!
JD: I'm impressed by your strategic prowess! Where did you acquire all that knowledge? In the army?
RG: No, I watched Godzilla fourteen times. Big lizard, mosquitoes- same basic concept.
JD: One final question: Chances are good that you'll be running against the First Lady, Hillary Clinton, in the upcoming Senate race. Your thoughts?
RG: HA! I will crush Hillary Clinton under my big electoral foot! Afterwards, I'll force her to wear a sexy bra and panties and parade her through the streets behind my limo. Next, I'll instruct my guards to bring me the head of Slick Willy. I will then affix said head onto my limo's hood ornament as a trophy. New Yorkers will cheer, liberals will lament and gnash their teeth, Hillary will shrug, and I- flushed with glorious victory- will LAUGH like a little girl! tee-hee-hee.
JD: There you have it folks: an exclusive glimpse into the mind of Rudy Giuliani, the current Mayor of New York City and a possible future Senator for New York state. Some insiders have even been whispering about a presidential bid…
RG: tee-hee-hee. But I'm not done yet, John! After I'm finished with the Clintons, my guards will track down Ed Koch. Koch will be stripped, greased up and then released into Central Park whereby I'll pursue him wearing only a pair of overalls and a straw hat… (unintelligible)… I WANT TO HEAR YOU SQUEAL ED! WEEE-WEEE!
(end of interview)