John Doh's Celebrity Autographs by Mail 
*************Newsletter #4*************
November 1999


WELCOME TO THE FORTH INSTALLMENT OF MY AUTOGRAPH NEWSLETTER. THIS MONTH I
HAVE INCLUDED AN ARTICLE THAT I HAD PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN FOR AUTOGRAPH
CENTRAL AND WHICH APPEARED ON THEIR WEBSITE EARLIER THIS YEAR. AT THE TIME
I WROTE IT I WAS JUST STARTING UP IN THE HOBBY OF AUTOGRAPH COLLECTING. I
WAS STILL CONCENTRATING WHOLE-HEARTEDLY ON THE ART OF THE CRANK LETTER.  

I HAVE ALSO LISTED MY RECENT SUCCESSES AND REQUESTS ALONG WITH SEVERAL
RETURN TO SENDERS. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TAKE A SECOND TO ENCOURAGE MEMBERS
OF THIS NEWSLETTER TO FORWARD IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. MORE MEMBERS WILL NO
DOUBT RESULT IN A BETTER NEWSLETTER WITH MORE INPUT AND GREATER DIVERSITY.
ONCE AGAIN FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT ANY AUTOGRAPH RELATED MATERIAL AND IT WILL
BE INCLUDED IN A FUTURE NEWSLETTER. 

ALL SCANS FOR THE SUCCESSES BELOW ARE FRESHLY UPDATED. CHECK THEM OUT AT:
http://members.xoom.com/freakjohndoh/



LETTERS FROM THE FREAKIN' EDGE!
My name is John Doh and this is my story. Like so many before me and so
many since my epic pilgrimage began with paramedics  struggling valiantly
to free my testicles from the sliding doors at the local  Seven-11.
Although traumatic and somewhat painful, this experience served as a
turning point in my life. While recovering in the hospital I assumed
somewhat of  a Christ-like vocation. I undertook the immense task of
spreading good cheer to the impoverished souls working in corporate P.R.
departments and holding high office. Putting into practice my legendary
literary genius combined with my unquestionable modesty I set forth on my
journey. 

For the past 2 years I have compiled my awe-inspiring work in the form of
a humor zine aptly entitled "Letters From The Freakin' Edge!" Feedback
from my readers has been extremely positive. However, my most vocal
critics have been review zines. Up until this point I have remained silent
when it came down to these above-mentioned detractors. These
foul-smelling, ill-mannered, sandal wearing illiterates with the IQ's of
linguistically-impaired village idiots call into question my originality
and use of profane language. The following are messages I posted on the
guest book of the  Canadian Review Zine Broken Pencil. 

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN DOH, ASCENDED MASTER. Like the mighty Gengis Khan
thundering across the vast expanses of Asia, so has John Doh (Esq.)
ventured into your puny 'cyberspace'. My countenance has been known to
inspire slack-jawed, fetal positioning, bowel-releasing TERROR! I am like
Ming the Merciless to the power of 1000! Spare yourself from my awesome
wrath by sending $3 cash to P.O. Box 2959, Hearst, Ontario Canada, P0L 1N0
for the latest installment of Letters From The Freakin' Edge (Vol. II). I
close with the immortal words of Elvis Aaron Presley, "Rink, dink, go
fiddle my dink, I can dance with a drink in my hand."
JOHN DOH, Esq.

It appears that my warning has not been taken seriously. I am therefore
left with no alternative but to unleash upon thee my Holy flatulence. It's
much too late to beg for mercy. As you read this message my nauseating
fart cloud is encroaching upon thee. There is very little time!! Your only
hope is to order LETTERS FROM THE FREAKIN' EDGE Vol. II (40 pages) and
bask in the protective glow of laughter provided therein!! Otherwise you
are DOOMED!! Send $3 to John Doh, P.O. Box 2959, Hearst, Ontario, P0L 1N0
and be spared my fury. In the immortal words of Jesus Christ, "Somebody
get me some Gold Bond, my feet are killing me!!"
John Doh, Esq.

BENEATH THE VENEER OF TALENT AND GOOD LOOKS THERE RESIDES A DELICATE MAN.
A SENSITIVE MAN. THIS MAN'S NAME IS JOHN DOH. I FLINCH WHEN SOMEONE
REPEATEDLY KICKS ME IN THE GROIN. MY EYES WATER PROFUSELY WHEN MY
TESTICLES ACCIDENTALLY GET SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM CLEANER. SUCH PAIN WOULD
BE TOLERABLE, NAY, WELCOME COMPARED TO THE VINDICTIVE, MALICIOUS AND MAY I
ADD UNPROVOKED VERBAL SPANKING WHICH WAS SO VIOLENTLY PERPETRATED UPON MY
PERSON. MY BUTT CHEEKS ARE STILL TENDER AND RED! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. GOOD
BYE CRUEL WORLD. THIS WILL BE THE FINAL WORDS OF THE LEGENDARY JOHN DOH.
MY FANS NEED NOT WORRY. YOU CAN STILL ORDER LETTERS FROM THE FREAKIN'
EDGE. SEND $3 TO MY IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER, IRONICALLY ALSO NAMED JOHN DOH
AT P.O. BOX 2959 HEARST, ONTARIO P0L 1N0. 
JOHN DOH 



I have just created a web-page highlighting some of my funniest letters
along with  corporate responses which have appeared in Letters From The
Freakin' Edge! I have also just recently delved into the world of
autograph collecting. The majority of the letters are serious requests but
it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks:




Richard Simmons
P.O. Box 5403
Beverly Hills, CA
90209
USA
December 28, 1998


Dear Richard,

I am writing to you for the plain and simple reason that you are my hero.
Prior to discovering your superlative exercise videos I was a severely
overweight individual lacking the simplest degree of will power or desire
to better my hideous appearance. In fact, in my darkest hours, I would
routinely ingest several dozen ding-dongs, a pound of butter and would top
it off with a 2-litre bottle of diet Pepsi. It sickens me now to look back
on my eating habits. You turned my life around through your tireless
efforts put forth in your weight loss tapes. Your relentless support and
compassion combined with expert instruction allowed me to build self
esteem and for the first time in my life to believe that I was beautiful.
I was just recently able to go to the beach and walk around shirtless
wearing my thong bikini without being the least bit self conscious. I owe
it all to you.  There are still days when the temptation of food is far
greater than my ability to resist it. It's a struggle every day but as
time goes by it gets a bit easier. It would mean a lot to me if you could
enclose an autographed photo of yourself so that I may frame it and hang
it on the wall for inspiration in my times of weakness.

In closing, I would like to once again express my heartfelt gratitude and
wish you continued success in the future. Thank you for taking the time to
read my letter. I anxiously look forward to your reply. 


Best Regards,


John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
Hearst, Ontario
P0L 1N0
Canada




RECENT SUCCESSES:

Jennifer Aniston 5750 Wilshire Blvd #580 Los Angeles, CA 90036-3697 USA 
SENT:JULY 26/99
RECEIVED:OCT 25/99
TOOK 91 DAYS
5X7 COLOR PHOTO

Colleen Camp 473 N. Tigertail Rd. Los Angeles, CA 90049-2807 USA
SENT:SEPT 13/99
RECEIVED:OCT 12/99
TOOK 29 DAYS
8X10 BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO

Minnie Driver c/o Incoming Mail BBC Television Centre Woodlane London W12
7RJ England 
SENT:JULY 28/99
RECEIVED:OCT 25/99
TOOK 89 DAYS
5X7 BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO

Robert Englund 1616 Santa Cruz St. Laguna Beach, CA 92651 USA
SENT:FEB 24/99
RECEIVED:OCT 13/99
TOOK 231 DAYS
8x10 BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO

Katie Gold c/o JM Productions 9018 Balboa Ave. #576 Northridge, CA 91325
USA
SENT:SEPT 21/99
RECEIVED:OCT 12/99
TOOK 21 DAYS
FAN CLUB INFO

Charlton Heston 2859 Coldwater Canyon Dr. Beverly Hills, CA 90210 USA
SENT:OCT 12/99
RECEIVED:OCT 25/99
TOOK 13 DAYS
8X10 BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO

Magdalena 23 Watts Street New York, NY 10013 USA
SENT:MAR 07/99
RECEIVED:OCT 15/99
TOOK 219 DAYS
5 1/2x9 COLOR PHOTO

Nick Nolte c/o Kingsgate Films 6153 Bonsall Dr. Malibu, CA 90265 USA 
SENT:JULY 01/99
RECEIVED:OCT 21/99
TOOK 112 DAYS
8X10 BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO

Al Pacino 350 Park Ave. #900 New York, NY 10022 USA
SENT:OCT 12/99
RECEIVED:NOV 02/99
TOOK 21 DAYS
5X7 BLACK & WHITE PHOTO

Joe Pesci c/o Falu Productions P.O. Box 6 Lavallette, NJ 08735 USA
SENT:OCT 12/99
RECEIVED:OCT 26/99
TOOK 14 DAYS
8X10 COLOR PHOTO



RECENT REQUESTS
Jason Alexander c/o WMA 151 El Camino Dr. Bevery Hills, CA 90212 USA
Roseanne Arnold c/o William Morris Agency 151 El Camino Dr. Beverly Hills,
CA 90212 USA
Tom Arnold 638 Linder Canyon Rd., #367 Agoura Hills, CA 91301 USA
Bob Barker 5757 Wilshire Blvd. #206 Los Angeles, CA 90036-3682 USA
Candice Bergen 4000 Warner Blvd. Burbank, CA 91522 USA
Art Carney RR 20 Box 911 Westbrook, CT 06948 USA
Jackie Collins P.O. Box 5473 Glendale, CA 91221-5473 USA
Joan Collins The Joan Collins International Fan Club 16 Bulbecks Walk
South Woodham Ferrers Chelmsford Essex CM3 5ZN England
Bill Cosby P.O. Box 808 Greenfield, MA 01301 USA
Richard Dawson 1117 Angelo Rd. Beverly Hills, CA 90210 USA
Phyllis Diller 163 S. Rockingham Dr. Brentwood, CA 90049 USA
Dick Van Dyke 23215 Mariposa De Oro Malibu, CA 90265 USA
Michael J. Fox c/o CAA 9830 Wilshire Blvd. Beverly Hills, CA 90212 USA
Whoopi Goldberg c/o Whoop Inc. 5555 Melrose Ave. #114 Los Angeles, CA
90038-3149 USA
Melissa Joan Hart c/o Sabrina The Teenage Witch Paramount Studios 5555
Melrose Ave. T-35 Hollywood, CA 90038 USA
Jay Leno c/o National Broadcasting Company, Inc. 3000 West Alameda Ave.
Burbank, CA 91523 USA
Susan Lucci P.O. Box 621 Quogue, NY 10019 USA
Dinah Manoff 21244 Ventura Blvd. #101 Woodland Hills, CA 91364 USA
Wink Martindale 11365 Ventura Blvd, #100 Studio City, CA 91604 USA
Maureen McCormick 1925 Century Park East #2320 Los Angeles, CA 90067 USA
Kristy McNichol c/o W.M.A. 151 El. Camino Dr. Beverly Hills, CA 90212 USA
Roger Moore 2-4 Noel St. London W1V 3RB UK
Jim Nabors P.O. Box 10364 Honolulu, HI 96816 USA
Regis Philbin c/o Live with Regis & Kathie Lee 7 Lincoln Sq. 5th fl. New
York, NY  10023 USA
Lisa-Marie Presley 1167 Summit Dr. Beverly Hills, CA 90210 USA
Sally Jesse Raphael sally@sallyjr.com
Michael Richards 12730 Halkirk St, Studio City, CA 91604 USA
Geraldo Rivera 555 W 57th St. #1100 New York, NY 10019 USA
Joan Rivers P.O.Box 49774 Los Angeles, CA 90049-0774 USA
Pat Sajak c/o Wheel of Fortune 10202 West Washington Blvd Sony Pictures
Plaza, Suite 5300 Culver City, CA 90232 USA
Sherwood Schwartz 1865 Carla Ridge Dr. Beverly Hills, CA 90212 USA
Anna Nicole Smith 200 Ashdale Avenue Los Angeles, CA 90049 USA
Tori Spelling 5700 Wilshire Boulevard Suite 575 Los Angeles, CA 90036 USA
Jerry Springer 45 Rockefeller Plaza #3500 New York, NY 10011 USA
Elizabeth Taylor PO Box 55995 Sherman Oaks, CA 91413 USA
Alex Trebek 10210 W. Washington Culver City, CA 90232 USA 
Vanna White c/o Wheel of Fortune 10202 West Washington Blvd Sony Pictures
Plaza, Suite 5300 Culver City, CA 90232 USA
Chuck Woolery 4444 Woodley Ave Encino, CA 91436-3459 USA

R.T.S.
Ron Howard 4286 Clybourn Ave. Burbank, CA 91505 USA
Luke Perry c/o Cyd Levin 1501 Broadway #406 New York, NY 10036 USA