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Dear Arch Whino,

This is a special message from Jay DeLorenzo, the guy with a life that sits at your lunch table.  I just visited your home page, and I must say, only a guy with no life can do such a thing filled with absolutely moronic jibberish!!!  You need a life!!  But this message is to help you, not to hurt you.  I write as a friend, not a foe.  Here are a couple of suggestions.

1.  Canoeing-  It takes power, precision, strength, stamina, and absolutely anything that you can't do!!!  It is fun, wet, and wild.  The girls always fall for the canoers.  You think they drop for football players?  Watch their reaction when they see your super muscular bod in a canoe.  They'll die for you.

2.  Get a job as a gym trainer-  You get bigger, stronger, and sleaker as you bench press 1400 pounds!!!  Then you help others lift 1400 pounds!!! Girls would die for you!!  Because then they think that you are into canoeing!!

3.  Become a professional critic-  I personally don't suggest this, but you are so good at critic credentials!!  You don't agree to anything, you argue a lot, and you're always wrong! Go for it!  But it doesn't make your bod look slick, so the girls won't think you are into canoeing, tough luck.  But you could watch movies while bench pressing 1400 pounds!!

4.  Figure Skating-  Did you know that only 1 out of 100 men in the world ever seriously considered doing figure skating?  I know that's wrong, but my point is that it takes dedication and time, like your home page, and you become strong, and if you dance doubles, you can do perverted things to your partner without anyone realizing what you are doing!  Have you ever wanted to slide on a tile floor with socks, and do a triple axle? Now you can do it for real!!

5.  Gymnastics-  You meet a myriad of flexible girls, so it is hard to hurt them in bed, and you become strong.  And when you want attention, you can stand on top of a lunchtable doing one-handed handstands while eating your food and spreading your legs back and forth.  Have you ever wanted to run to the path of the school, put down your backpack, and flip like they do in their floor routines?  And end in a triple somersault by the door?  Me neither, but if you do gymnastics, you can flip whenever you want!!!

6.  Diving-  Have you ever wanted to do one of those spinny flips like they do in the Olympics off of a diving board?  It impresses the girls, and it gives you something to do off of a couch at home!! 

7.  Make video games-  You're into computers, buy C++, or Java, or something, and make video games to sell!  You are quick to learn programming, buy a book that says "C++ for dummies" and make them!!  It will impress me, that's for sure.  The computer geek girls will love it too!  Maybe your home page will be useful! "1200 hits a day? Ha!", you will say with geek girls hanging on you' "I get 560000 hits a day!!"  and the girls go, "OOOOO...  He is soooooo sexy"

8.  Martial Arts-  Learn dicipline, stamina, strength, concentration, and how to kick the living shit out of someone (I remained cuss-free until that)  Go to competitions where you meet girls that can kick the living shit out of you!!!  You need a good ass-kicking, ever think of professional full contact martial arts?  Shao-lin!!  If you took karate, you would know what that means, so Hashime!!!  You could be the next Bruce Lee!!

9.  Psychic-  Rip people off for a living!!  Pretend you know what you're talking about, but be so vague, that they don't know that you are ripping them off!  Do Tarot Cards, Palm Reading, Crystal Ball Reading, and be a weirdo.  It's better than being nothing. 

10.  Model-  Not super-modeling.  Model planes, Model cars, model anything, just do something!!!  I heard Calvin Klein pays good money for you to walk around in your underwear in a black and white commercial making no sense. 

I know you think I need to follow my own advice, but I don't as much as you.  Do something!!!  Preferably constructive.  Do something to make a difference in your life!!!  You are a boring person, and you need to do something.  Just, do something.  That is my suggestion for something to do. 

Jay

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