All right, all you tough guy wanna-be's with your Steven Suck-al video collections and your Muscle and Fitness subscriptions. I've just one thing to say to you all . . . it's time to face the facts. Life ain't all about bitches and money (sorry, Cube!) Sometimes it's about giving credit where credit is due and not worrying so much about that machismo image you put on for your buddies down at the gym. Um, you DO know that most of them are checking out your ass . . . right? Anyway, for all you Monday Night Football junkies with your hand down your pants -- this is for YOU! Read on. You might learn something.
I like Johnny Depp . . . not in a gay way -- I just think he's a great actor. It is my opinion that many people unjustly lump him in with the other "pretty boys," without the benefit of a fair trial (that's like saying The Jackson Five and The Backstreet Boys are the SAME THING!!!) Come on folks, you can't just arbitrarily knock a guy and cast suspicion on his abilities just because he looks tastier than a potato to an Irishman (I was gonna say "tastier than a dog to a Filipino" -- but that's not P.C. I guess I can get away with the Irish dig, according to the prevailing logic, since I'm Irish?) [please see my rant entitled "He Ain't Heavy . . . He's My Nigga" for more on this topic]
Anyway, I digress. I was talking about the many formidable endowments of Mr. Depp (or, his acting ability, at least!) Hell, I think he's one of the finest performers America has to offer -- right up there with Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman (um, yeah . . . I guess you could say I liked The Shawshank Redemption!! HA HA), John Malkovich, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, and Gene Hackman. Right now you're thinking: "But what about Kenneth Branagh, Ralph Fiennes, Liam Neeson, & Peter O'Toole?" A-HA!!! If you read back a bit, I did say that Johhny Depp is one of the finest performers that AMERICA has to offer. Pay attention, ya' mook!!! Again, I digress (but, this time -- it's YOUR fault!!)
Where were we? Oh, yes: Johhny Depp -- Treasure of American Cinema. I'm sure you'd like to know the reasoning behind this assertion, eh? Of course you do . . . you have no life and need others to tell you what to think (why else would you be visiting MY web site? HA HA HA) Well, I suppose his choice of roles is what most impresses me. Instead of going for the easy money "runaway bus" / "sinking ship" blockbusters, he has consistently opted for more challenging (OK, I'll say it: "quirky") projects. And look at the results!!! Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, Sleepy Hollow, Benny and Joon, The Astronaut's Wife . . . the list goes on. Not just anyone could have pulled these off, my friends. He has it all . . . a dark, powerful presence; undeniable charisma; impeccable comic timing; and devilishly good looks. Yeah, I want to be him . . . SO WHAT? HA HA
So, if you're one of those people who wrote him off long ago as a no-talent cream puff, look again. Do yourself a favor and rent Ed Wood (which, by the way, also features an amazing performance by Martin Landau) to see what all the fuss is about. Heck, Johnny even made Nick of Time bearable!!!!! (barely) hee hee
So he may be a little eccentric? . . . So he goes through silly phases? . . . So your girlfriend/wife moans and gyrates whenever he's on the television? Deal with it. Those are small inconveniences compared to the tragedy of missing out on this man's brilliance. Just do it! You'll thank me later.
Oh, yeah . . . just for the record -- I also think Brad
Pitt is genuinely gifted (maybe I'll write an essay for him some day too!)
HA HA HA HA HA