Religious Jokes
(1)Heaven and Hell
(2)Misspelled
(3)Statues
(4)Priests First Mass
(5)Donkeys
(6)Good Heavens!
(7)Three Seminarians
(8)Confessions
(9)Too Crowded
(10)Little Irish Catholic humor...
(11)Man Goes to Confession
(12)Priest Meets Drunk
(13)THE RABBI & THE PRIEST
(14)SISTERS OF MERCY
(15)Mouth Of God
(16)Priest And The Rabbi
(17)Shithead
(18)God Damit!
(19)Father John
(20)2 Dollar Bill
(21)New Preacher
Heaven and Hell
It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell
share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.
One
day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash.
Lots of bands perform with
some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party.
Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure
enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down. God complains to the
Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence.
The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over
here as well as most of the building contractors."
So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has
taken over three feet of Heaven. God is mad.
"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you."
"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?
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Misspelled
One day there were two monks. One was an apprentice, and one was the head
monk. The head monk was teaching the apprentice how to copy the scrolls. He
showed him the right kind of paper to use and the right kind of writing
style to use. The apprentice one day asked where the scrolls he was copying
came from.
Monk: "From other scrolls."
Apprentice: "And those came from where?"
Monk: "Other scrolls."
Apprentice: "And those."
Monk: "Well, all of the original scrolls are down in our vault. I can take
you to see them if you want."
So the monk and the apprentice went down to the vault, and after the monk
was looking for a half hour he came out screaming!
Monk "Oh God! What are we to do now? The word was CELEBRATE!"
Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a
clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at
them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!
Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
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Priests First Mass
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Donkeys
A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and knowing that there was a
fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the
races.
At the local auction, however, the going price for horses was so
steep that the priest ended up purchasing a donkey.
The priest figured that since he had the donkey, he may as well go ahead and
enter it in the races anyway.
The donkey came in third.
The next day the
daily racing form carried the heading, "Priest's Ass Shows."
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again.
This time the donkey won!
The next day the racing form read,
"Priest's Ass Out In Front."
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper headline read
that day, "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass."
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the
animal at once.
The priest decided to give it to the nearby convent. The
headlines that afternoon read, "Nun Has Best Ass In Town."
The bishop fainted!
He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey immediately.
She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal
for $10.
The next day the newspaper headlines stated, "Nun Peddles Ass For
Ten Bucks."
They buried the bishop that day, and on the day following the funeral, the
headlines read, "Too Much Ass Responsible For Bishop's Death."
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Good Heavens!
A priest hearing confession in a low-life, scumbag neighborhood
is startled when someone enters the confessional and doesn't speak but
grunts as if in agony: "Good heavens!" says the sympathetic priest,
envisioning a soul in utter torment, "Are you alright?"
After a few more moaning grunts, then a deep sigh of relief, a soft,
drunken voice answers, "Yeah! I'm okay! But there's no fucking toilet
paper in here! You got some over there?"
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Three Seminarians
Three seminarians are about to undergo their final test before being ordained into the priesthood. An old priest takes them into a luxurious room, tells them to strip and then to tie a small bell around each of their organs.
Suddenly, a ravishing girl entered the room. One bell ding-a-linged loudly.
"To the showers, Fogarty," barked the old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard the furious ding-a-ling again. "Sorry about that O'Brian, to the showers for you, too."
Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl seductively writhed about him; yet he remained calm and the bell was silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it!" Now go and join those weaker souls in the showers."
"Ding-a-ling, Ding-a-ling, Ding-a-ling," said the bell.
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Confessions
Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish.
One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish.
The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuse to name who he had committed adultery with.
The priest asks him "Was it Mrs Richards?" "No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell you who it was?"
"Was it Mrs Brown?" "No father." The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and if not he would be excommunicated for two weeks.
"Was it Mrs Maclanahan?" asked the priest. "No father." "That's it," said the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks."
The man left the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asked the other two.
"Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!"
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To Crowded
There is an overcrowding problem in Heaven so St. Peter decides that instead
of letting everyone in that only 1 in 3 will be allowed in.
In order to make
it fair, St. Peter decides to let the person with the best story about their
death in.
The next three people arrive at the gates and St. Peter tells them
the new deal and the stories went something like this:
Guy No. 1: "I had a feeling that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to
go home early one day and surprise her. There she was lying on the bed in
some sexy underwear. She never wears that stuff in the evening, let alone
during the day, so I figured that there had to be someone else in the
apartment. I started looking everywhere and came up empty handed.
Discouraged, I went to the balcony and looked down and there was a naked guy
hanging from the balcony below ours. I climbed down and started stomping on
his fingers. He was yelling something, but I just kept stomping until he
fell. I figured he was a goner when the lucky bastard hit an awning and
broke his fall. I was so pissed off that I went and got our refrigerator and
through it off the balcony squashing the bastard.After I through the fridge
and killed her lover, I went inside and blew my wife away. I felt pretty bad
afterwards and so I killed myself too."
St. Peter: "That's a pretty impressive story, wait over here."
Guy No. 2: "I'm a nudist that just moved to New York. I rented an apartment
in a skyscraper so that I could still go outside in the nude but still have
my privacy. One day I was out on my balcony, minding my own business -
jumping on my mini-trampoline, when I caught the side of the tramp and went
flying over my balcony. I figured I was a gonner when I was able to grab a
hold of a balcony a few floors below. Then this crazy guy starts shouting at
me and jumping on my fingers. I was screaming for help, but he just ignored
me and kept jumping on my fingers. I fell and thought, I'm a dead man now,
when I landed on an awning and was okay. Then the son-of-a-bitch throws a
refrigerator on me and kills me."
St. Peter: "That's an even better story, wait of here."
Guy No. 3: "I was just minding my own business, hiding naked in a
refrigerator..."
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Little Irish Catholic humor...
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods
on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this
huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square.
I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt
you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up
and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When
he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand
in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or
twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a
Catholic
priest in a small parish."
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Man Goes to Confession
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies
that he used the
"F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Mary's and try to watch your
language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the
"F-word".
The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to
church. "
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well
left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,
"No, it wasn't. When I
walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a
clear shot to the
green.
However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed
my ball and
scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel
in it's sharp
talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying
squirrel let go of
my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole!
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
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Priest Meets Drunk In the Subway
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
he
opened
his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy
turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too
much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you
have
arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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THE RABBI & THE PRIEST
A rabbi and a priest are involved in a car accident and it's a
bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly,
neither are hurt.
They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar
and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace the rest of our days."
And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be
a sign from God."
And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't
break,
surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed,
took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and
handed it back to the priest.
The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?"
"No", replied the Rabbi. . . ."I think I'll just wait for the police."
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SISTERS OF MERCY
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a
third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He
answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on
this door".
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a
long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of
this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
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Mouth Of God
There was this 60 year old woman walking down the street and she
heard a voice.
"You're going to live to 100."
She looked around trying to find the voice.
"You're going to live to 100."
"But I still have 40 years to go." She said as she looked at her
reflection in a store window and noticing her sagging face and body.
"You're going to live to 100."
She finally realized that the voice was God.
So she ran to her doctor and signed up for some plastic surgery. She
did everything. Her face, thighs, breasts and behind.
Once she was done, she walked out from the doctor's office and was
hit by a bus and killed. When she got to heaven, she looked at God.
"What's the deal? You said that I would live to be 100!" She asked.
God said, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Priest And The Rabbi
A rabbi and a priest are sharing a train compartment. After an hour or
so of silence between them, the priest finally says, "You know,
there's
a question I've always wanted to ask a rabbi. Have you ever sneaked
just a little taste of ham or bacon?" The rabbi blushes slightly and
says, yes, and in fact it is good to get it off his chest.
He did try pork once. The priest sits back with a satisfied smile.
After a little while the rabbi says, "You know, there is something
that I
too have often wondered about the priesthood. Have you by any chance
ever sneaked a little bit of sex?" This time it is the priest's
turn to blush,
and he admits that once he did indeed stray from his vow of
celibacy.
Again there is silence in the compartment.
Until finally the rabbi
says,
"A whole lot better than pork, isn't it?"
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Shithead
A man died and went to hell.
Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief
Devil in Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your
own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside,
assess the
situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people
standing on
their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on
concrete floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left?
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people
standing
knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink
coffee
all day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want.
Man: Absolutely!
The devil then escorts him in the room, shuts and locks the door. As
soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says
"Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."Back to top
God Damit!
A nun and a priest were playing golf. On the 3rd green, the Priest had a
short putt. He aimed carefully, but the ball just missed the hole.
In a
rage, the priest threw down his club and started jumping up and down
yelling 'God Damnit, I missed!' In shock, the nun said 'Father, you
shouldn't say that, you'll be struck by lightning.'
The priest
calmed down
and they continued their game. On the 11th hole the priest had another
short putt. Remembering what had happened on the 3rd hole, he was
even more careful preparing for his shot. The ball just missed the
hole.
In a rage, the priest threw down his club and started jumping up and
down yelling 'God Damnit, I missed!' The nun said 'Father, I'm warning
you, you'll be struck by lightning!'
The priest remained calm
until the
final hole, where he found himself with a 2 foot putt. He checked the
wind, checked the grass for any blades out of place, checked the wind
again and lined up his shot.
He hit the ball, it rolled around the
lip of the
cup and stayed up. The priest threw down his club, but before he could
jump, a dark cloud formed above the nun and the priest. Suddenly, a
lightning bolt struck the nun dead.
Startled and confused, the priest
looked up at the cloud, and heard a loud voice say, 'GOD DAMNIT, I
MISSED!!'
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Father John
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to
look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he
told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between
his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now...," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my Lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my Lock."
"Is that a fact...," said the old nun, even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to
salvation was
often painful but that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That son-of-a-bitch," muttered the old nun. "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
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2 Dollar Bill
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the
preacher decided he had to do something to change the
trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he
said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but
there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with
another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five
dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."
Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills,
and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your
peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
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New Priest
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor, "How can
I relax?" The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka
in the water pitcher; after a few sips, everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able
to preach up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the
rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor.
1. Next time, *sip* the vodka; do not gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Apostles, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T.
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-dub, Thanks for the
grub...
6. David slew Goliath -- he didn't kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Apostles as JC and the
Boys.
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy,
Junior and Spook."
9. It is always "the Virgin Mary"; never do we call call her "Mary with a
cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy-pulling
contest at St. Peters -- not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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