New Jokes

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
     
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll
run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench
press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.     

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison 
Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."  And with
that he slams another shot.
     
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look
at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are
you going?"
     
The third mouse stops and replies, "Can't hang around with you wimps. I'm
going home to fuck the cat." 

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago 
was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that
did not admit Jews.  

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no 
room.  The hotel is full."  The Jewish lady said, "But your
sign says that you have vacancies."  The desk clerk 
stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not 
admit Jews.  Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you
know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary 
in a little town called Bethlehem."

 "Very good," replied the hotel clerk.  "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk.  "And why was he born in a
manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit.''

A Texas businessman, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling, "Chigau Wa! Chigau Wa!" Hearing this, the man knew he had pleased the girl and soon afterwards, fell asleep. The next day while playing golf, one of his Japanese colleagues holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Chigau Wa! Chigau Wa!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and said, "Wrong hole? What do you mean, wrong hole?"

So, these two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someones front lawn. "Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?". The driver, a bit embarassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her in the front lawn."

Bob had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Bob, Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian."