Misc Jokes

(1)Tooling Around (2)Tarzan!! (3)Tree
(4)Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move (5)Banks! (6)Green Thumb
(7)THE FUNERAL (8)The Rabbit (9)Good Excuse
(10)Life In Hell (11)Farting At the Dinner Table (12)Falling Brick
(13)Land Of Oz (14)How to Tell Time

Tooling Around

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"
"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
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Tarzan!!

One day Tarzan missed the vine he was swinging on and fell.
He poked out his eye, lost his arm and lost his penis.
So, Tarzan went to the Witch Doctor and asked for an Eye like an eagle, an arm like an ape and a trunk like an elephant.
His wish was granted.
Weeks passed and Tarzan went back to the witch doctor.
The witch doctor asked Tarzan if there is any problems.
Tarzan replies, "The eye like an Eagle is wonderful,
I can see for 3 miles, My ape arm is great I can pick up the largest of rocks,
BUT this trunk like an elephant is dreadful!".
"Why?" says the witch doctor.
Tarzan says, "Because every 2 hours it is trying to shove hay up my ass!"

Trees

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling.
The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move

* Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!" Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the good ones.
* Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie- chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
* Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans. If they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hysterically.
* Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close, state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
* At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say , "looks like they're on the move again."
* When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
* Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.
* Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
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Banks!

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Green Thumb

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden. However, no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's reall quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
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THE FUNERAL

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died", said the man. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
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The Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. Separately, he releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
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Good Excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can out run this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home.
Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.
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Life in Hell


One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair,
he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think?  I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a

drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is
drink. Whiskey, coffee, Beer, wine coolers, Surge, Mt. Dew... we drink
till
we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from
around the world and smoke our fruckin' lungs out. If you get cancer,
it's
okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse
races, you name it. We gamble on whether Marilyn Manson will play a full
set
list. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. Kick back some Sea
Monkeys!
You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...
you're
already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

Farting At the Dinner Table

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Falling Brick!

A workman is working on a twenty foot brick wall when one of the bricks fall.
The workman looks down sees a pedestrian walking and before the brick hits him the workman yells out " falling brick!"
The pedestrian looks up sees the brick and moves out of the way.
The workman runs down to applogizes but the pedestrian gives him $50.00 for saving his life.
The workman thinks this over and makes a nice bundle over the next couple of hours.
In the meantime there is a man watching all this and he approaches the workman and asks,
"C-c-c-- c-a-n I try th-th-th-th-that."
The workman tells him to piss off.
But the man is determined and says that if he does not have a go, he will tell the cops.
The workman agrees to let him have one go and says, "You must remember to yell out 'Falling brick' before it hits someone."
The man says, "O-o-o-ok."
They make there way up the scaffold the man drops the brick and yells,
"F-f-f-f-f-f-f...F-f-f-f-f-f.......F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f....F-f-f-f-f....F-f-f-f fucking got him."
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Land Of Oz


Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House 
Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together 
in Kansas. 

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and 
tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a 
daze.

When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, 
they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz.  The Wizard 
is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

How To Tell Time


 Lone Ranger and Tonto were out in the desert.  Lone Ranger asked Tonto
for the time.  Tonto takes off his loin cloth, sporting a proud erection.
Tonto looks at the shadow of his erection and says "It's 3:15."
 The Lone Ranger checks his watch. Sure enough, it's 3:15.  Some time
later the Lone Ranger again asks Tonto for the time.
 Again Tonto takes off his loin cloth, checks the shadow, and says "5:20.".
 Sure enough it's 5:20.
 Later that night, the Lone Ranger walks into Tonto's teepee and catches
him stroking himself.
 The Lone Ranger asks Tonto, what he is doing!
 Tonto explains, "Me windem watch!