Men Jokes
(1)If Men Got Pregnant..
(2)Man's Sex Life
(3)Courses for MEN!
(4)IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN.
(5)Headaches?
(6)MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN
(7)Why I Fired My Secretary
If Men Got Pregnant...
Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
There'd be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number
one health problem
All methods of birth control would be improved 100 % effectiveness
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained
Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute
Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm
Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags
They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree
Women would rule the world!
Back to top
Man's Sex Life
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and
bestowed
upon him twenty years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified. "Only twenty
years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all
man
could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't
need
twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly,
"Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion,
like
the monkey wanted only ten.
Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other
ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the
others,ten
was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The
donkey
said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years
of
monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an
ass of himself.
Back to top
Courses for MEN!
Once again, the female staff will be offering courses this fall for men of
any marital status.
Please note the names of some of the courses have
changed.
Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory:
1) Combatting Stupidity
2) You Can Do Housework, Too
3) PMS - Learing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4) How to Fill an Ice Cube Tray
5) We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas (Formerly "Give us
Money")
6) Understanding the Female Response to You Coming in Drunk at 4:00 AM
7) Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")
8) Parenting - It Doesn't End With Conception
9) Get A Life - Learn to Cook
10) How Not to Act Like A Jerk When You Are Obviously Wrong
11) Spelling - Even You Can Get it Right
12) Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13) You - The Weaker Sex
14) Reasons to Give Flowers
15) How to Stay Awake After Sex
16) Why It's Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Restroom
17) Garbage - Getting it to the Curb
18) You Can Fall Asleep Without it if You Really Try
19) The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take A Cold Shower
20) Guidelines on Coordinating Your Wardrobe - Matching Colors
21) How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (Formerly "No, it's Not a Bidet")
22) How We Know All Your Excuses Are Crap
23) The Weekend and Sports on TV are Not Synonymous
24) How to Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost or Bored
25) The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
26) Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
27) Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
28) How Not To Act Younger Than Children
29) You Too Can be a Designated Driver
30) Male Bonding (Formerly, "Your Friends Need to Call Before Dropping
By")
31) Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson At All (Especially When You're
Naked)
32) The Attainable Goal - Eliminating the "F" Word From Your Vocabulary
33) "Harrass" is One Word -- It is Not "Her Ass"
34) What Not to Buy Us for Birthdays (Formerly "Never Buy Appliances")
35) Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Really Necessary
Back to top
IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN.....
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news", The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is
called a brain.
It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things, and
have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for
you
is called a penis.
It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent
life
form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have
this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me.
What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is
that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of
these organs at a time."
Back to top
Headaches?
Ewan was suffering from excruciating headaches. The doctor
told him he could cure the headaches, but it would require
castration. "You have a rare condition that causes pressure to
build up against your spine," the doctor explained. "This, in
turn, causes headaches. The only cure is surgery." Ewan was
shocked but had the operation.
When he left the hospital, Ewan was depressed, so he stopped at
a men's shop for a new suit. The salesman eyed him and said, "44
long?"
"That's right," Joe said. He tried on the suit, and it fit
perfectly.
"How about a new shirt?" the salesman asked. "Let's see, a 34
sleeve and 16-1/2 neck ought to do it."
"Right again," Joe said. "You're simply amazing."
"While we're at it, how about some new underwear?" the
salesman suggested. He eyed Ewan's waist and said,"Size 34."
"Nope, you finally missed one," Ewan said, chuckling. "I wear
size 30."
"You couldn't possibly," replied the salesman. "Underwear
that tight would create a great deal of pressure against your spine
and cause one heck of a headache."
Back to top
MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Back to top
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too
hot
that morning anyway. I
went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy
Birthday and probably
have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone
any Happ Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children
came into breakfast and didn't
say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low
and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday." And
I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon.
About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a
beautiful day outside and
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out
into
the
country to a little
private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful
day. We don't need to go
back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a
cigarette and she said, "Boss,
if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something
more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out...
.. carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children.
All
were
singing Happy Birthday.
.. and there on the couch I sat...
.. with nothing on but my socks......
Back to top