Marriage Jokes

Marriage: Is what actually comes up in your garden.

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?"
To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking.
Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking.
John said, "I see you found some good repairmen".
To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door."
John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything.
He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex."
To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt,
"Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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Because of their sexual inexperience they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex". This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.

The first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night and finally fell asleep together completely exhausted.

In the middle of the night the new husband woke up and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her "can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said "honey, I'm sorry I denied you...we can do the laundry again if you want" and he replied "that's OK.. it was a small load, I did it by hand."

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Finally, the recruit emerged from the room, her shirt torn and her hair messed up. "Well, he's dead. But some damned fool loaded the gun with blanks so I had to hit him on the head with a lamp and then strangle him with the cord.
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After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly.  
According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the
remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat
and an eight-carat diamond ring.  She went into the living room, removed the
urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on
the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you.  Mike, do
you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat?  Well, here it
is, Mike.  Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you
promised me a diamond ring? Yes?  You remember?  Here it is, Mike.  Do you like
it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's
that blow job I was promising you."

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde
walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and
walked off. 

"Who was that?" the wife demanded. 

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." 

"Your mistress? That's it!  I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you
want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your
jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" 

For a long time they continued dining in silence.  Finally, the woman
nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there?  Who's he with?" 

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. 

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert.  "Ours is much cuter."

An old man got married to an 18 years old girl.  One day, he 
went to a doctor and told him that he wanted to have a kid.  
The doctor thought for a while and said to the man, "If you and 
your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should find someone 
to help you." 

The man thought for a while and left the clinic.

Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again 
with smiling face.  To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc.  I 
followed your suggestion and found someone to help me.  
Now my wife is pregnant.  Thanks, thanks."

The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., 
congratulations, but how about the one who helped you?"

The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh!  She is 
pregnant, also!"