Eleven Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Penis
1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it' not
worth the fuss that those who have it make a fuss about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it
hard to get any real work done.
7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's
the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult
to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot
of trouble. Back to top The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no
poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but
there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have
pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some
more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much
to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the
toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie
real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it
was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of your
butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public
restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and
flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the
water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes
into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10
minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to
see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate
to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you
leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl
and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when you're in public and you think you have to fart,
but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall
asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your
shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure
circle on the back of your legs for all to see. Back to top The Definition Of Fuck
"Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a
verb, both transitive
(John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can
be an action
verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't
give a fuck), an
adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a
terrific fuck). It
can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an
interjection (Fuck!
I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction
(Mary is easy,
fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with
the overall
versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many
situations:
1. Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud - "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation - "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble - "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression - FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust - Fuck me."
7. Confusion - "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty - "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair - "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure - I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure - "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost - "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief - "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation - "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial - "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity - "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy - Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Suspicion - "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic - "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions - "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief - "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the
Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle
"Challenger"
"What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F.
Kennedy Back to top 50 FUN THINGS FOR NON-CHRISTIANS TO DO IN CHURCH
1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say:
"If you're bad in here,
you'll go to Hell."
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled
sermon is entitled
"Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4.Un-tune the piano.
5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat
SAVED?"
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead
concerts.
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a
dollar, and tell him to ask
the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11.Start a wave.
12.Do cool things with the lighting.
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection"
and "Oliver Klozoff".
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are
they gonna do another
SONG?"
16.Make up your own words to the songs.
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and
say: "Oh shit. This isn't the
wedding!" Run out quickly.
18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T
SHUT THAT
GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in
your ear as jewelry. If you
are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching
shorts. If you are male, wear
a floral-print dress instead.
23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce
that you can see an
image of Jesus.
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and
socks.
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first
mention of "fire and
brimstone", throw it in.
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side
cartoons.
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in
asterisks and write
exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what
you're doing, tell them:
"These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
Discreetly light them.
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned,
especially Stephen.
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how
good it is.
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper
with Pat Robertson's
MasterCard number.
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and
lick them.
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38.Blow bubbles.
39.Fake a possession.
40.Distribute condoms.
41.Speak in tongues.
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43.Drool in the collection plate.
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After
they tell you, inform
them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When
someone points out that
Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a
wristwatch embedded inside.
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones
depicting comical, erotic,
or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the
church next Saturday at
midnight. Back to top 101 (now 102) Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV
and
then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce
that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99
copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
a
"real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a
can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:"
them to
your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across
the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
insist
to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental
movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary
mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's
roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/
O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and
repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back
in the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern
drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious
that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme
song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being
first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if
they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed
is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
102. e-mail this to everone you know(and the jazz rule
Laws of Slow People
1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each
other.
2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver
to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in
their rear-view mirrors, either.
4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone
trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around
them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is
moving at the highest speed.
5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up
with soggy ice cream every time. Back to top
