Lawyer Jokes
(1)Sheepish Lawyer
(2)Lawyer Jokes
(3)Square Balls
(4)When A Lawyer Dies
Sheepish Lawyer
A NY lawyer transfered to a small frontier during the settlement of the
West.
After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated soley
by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the
urge for a woman?". The cowboy replied,"See them thar'sheep up on thet
hill.
We just go git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the
lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer.
He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these
yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the
bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china
plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a
drink.
He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The
piano
fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and
stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hippocrites.
You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along.
I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem", replied one cowboy, "that's the sheriff's gal you're with.
Marriage Made In Heaven
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were
to be married, were
both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at
the pearly gates of heaven
being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St.
Peter aside and said,
"St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in
heaven but we miss very
much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows.
Is it possible
for people in heaven to
get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in
heaven wanting to get
married.
I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord about that.
I can get
you an appointment for two
weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into
the presence of the
Lord, where they repeated their request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly
and said,
"I tell you
what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and
we will talk about it again."
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
married, came back.
Again
the Lord said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will
consider your request."
Finally, they came before the Lord the third time, ten years after their
first request, and asked the
Lord again.
This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday
at 2:00 p.m., we will
have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel.
" The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was
beautiful.
Moses brought some
flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest
hand-woven sari.
But, you
guessed it, a few weeks later they realized they had made a horrible
mistake, and that they just
couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to
see the Lord, this time
to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.
When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said,
"Look, it
took us ten years to find a
priest up here;
Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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Lawyer Jokes
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
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Square Balls
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building
holding a large paper bag in her hand.
She told the young man at the
window
that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an
account with the bank.
She said that first, though, she would like to
meet
the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.
Due to the amount of money
involved,
the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted
to
right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain
an
appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the
people she did business with on a more personal level.
The bank
president
then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.
He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman
could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained
that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she
said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your
balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take
her up on her bet.
He didn't know how he could lose.
For the rest of
the
day he was very careful.
He decided to stay home that evening and take
no
chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure
everything was okay.
There was no difference in his scrotal appearance.
He
looked the same as he always had.
He went to work and waited for the
woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.
He knew this
would
be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing
nothing?
At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office.
With her
was a
man.
When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the
office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always
took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as
I've
always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself.
The bank president thought this was a reasonable request
considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure
enough, everything was fine.
His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across
the
room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he
inquired..
"Oh, him," she answered.
I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this
morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
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When A Lawyer Dies
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks
in
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and
once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents
and tell him to go to hell."
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