A Lil Johnny Joke
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being
particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one
morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around,
annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his
temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and
after a brief moment of thought said,"That's it! No honey
for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies,
and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.
His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner,
and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father
standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you
going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?" Back to top Fourth Grade Teacher
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex
education with her fourth grade class because she realizes
Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny
remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the
teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in
her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the
teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh,
that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny
raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation,the teacher
calls on him."I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the
Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of
Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed
every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was
relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with
sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger." Back to top Thumb sucker
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he
passes his
parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then
continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at
me for
sucking my *thumb*" Back to top THINGS ADULTS LEARN FROM KIDS
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite!
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already
too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
Ditto Tarzan
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response
time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof
Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cel phone doesn't work underwater."
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer
Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good
Bugs are not a dietary supplement
Walnuts make the blender act funny
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination
Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby
Finger painting is good
Finger painting walls is dangerous
If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?"
It's too late
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands."
You don't want to know
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth."
You REALLY don't want to know
'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper
without choking
Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad
Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?"
means 'prepare for bad news'
Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood
Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea
Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank
"Why do fish float?" means trouble
Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..."
is never a good sign
Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape
Cats get even Back to top The Teachers Day Gift
On a special Teachers Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook
it,
held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it
is, a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The
teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the
leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it
wine?" she
asked.
"No" the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching
another drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No"
Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally said, "I
give, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!" Back to top LifeSavers
A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them
lifesavers. First she gave them all red ones and their hands went
up,"cherry!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white
one and they thought about it and finally one kid said,"peppermint?"
"excellent," said the teacher. Finally she gave them honey- flavored
brown ones. They tasted the lifesaver,but could not name the
flavor. "I'll give you a clue.It's something that your mommy calls your
daddy" said the teacher. Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted,"Quick ,spit
them out ! They're ass holes!" Back to top Choo Choo
There once was a five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train
set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door
listeing to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,
"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get
on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train,
get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change
seats, change seats now cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo
Whooo.
The mother was devastated so she scolder her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want you to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get
up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two
hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could
play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he
understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went.
The mother stood by the door to listen to what her son would say. The
boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo Whooo, all of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the
train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get
off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are
pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the
kitchen." Back to top TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN WELL
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts
and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*.
The little girl became very upset, started crying and runs home to her
mommy.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again
the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and
you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with
one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want." Back to top Thats Not My Job!
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you
go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.
Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you
have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the
mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today.
When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin
replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job." Back to top Dictate
The little Rascals were in school one day. The teacher asked if anyone
could spell dictate.
Buckwheat raised his hand and stood before the teacher and said,
"d-i-c-t-a-t-e.
The teacher told him that was very good and asked if he could use the
word in a sentence.
Buckwheat looked over and said, "Darla, how'd my dictate last night?"
