"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole,"
John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Ho Ho Ho
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman
in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey!
Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
You must be surprised that I'm
writing to you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football
uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only
was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the
whole school!
I'm not going to lie to you, there
was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on
errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was
virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving
me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks! What the f**k were you thinking,
you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the
whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the
tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough,you gave that little
faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into
his house.
Please don't let me see you trying
to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year. I'll f**k you up! I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to WALK back
to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since
you didn't get me that f**king bike.
F**K YOU SANTA! Next year you'll
find out how bad I can be, you
FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Little Johnny had been
waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally
gets his turn at it and climbs up. Santa say to little Johnny, touching the
little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No." Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his
finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas." Johnny
again shakes his head, "No..." The department store Santa then asked, "Well
then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?" Johnny replies with a
big grin, "I want some pussy!!!" Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters,
"Well, I don't have any of that!?!?" Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose,
answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food. Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" "No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?" "That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty."
Back to topThe doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf.
This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy
is you can't wear it out!!"
Back to top
December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves .... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------
December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes ---------
December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ---------------------
December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------
December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ----------------
December 20th John: What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ----------------
December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag ----------------
December 22nd Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag ----------------
December 23rd You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag --------------------
December 24th Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead.
They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister --------------------------------------
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This
is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have
seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of
course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should
attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant
for your arrest.