jokes

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to the earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sound. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!!!!

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said.

Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place .

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I choose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply..I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.


   So there I was, sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
   call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
   answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

   I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
   Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
   couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

   I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
   transposed the last two digits.

   After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
   there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person
   once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

   Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my
   desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or
   had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
   'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

   Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
   was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the
   jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard
   his voice, "Hello."

   I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone
   company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller
   ID program?"

   He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
   back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"  

   And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
   how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
   something about it. Just dial 722-4822.  

   The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
   parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally
   her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of
   the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
   out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

   All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
   the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my
   horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
   The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He
   walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me

   I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
   this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of
   his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place
   to park

   A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
   gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a
   jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
   speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
   camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

   After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
   "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"

   "Yes it is."

   "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

   "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
   car's parked right out front.

   I said, "What's your name?"

   "My name is Don Hansen."

   "When's a good time to catch you, Don?

   "I'm home in the evenings."

   "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

   "Yes."

   "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.  

   After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer

   For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I
   had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of
   calling.the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to
   seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

   I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a
   solution.

   First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.

   A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

   I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.  

   The jerk said, "Are you still there?"

   I said, "Yeah.."

   He said, "Stop calling me."

   I said, "No."

   He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

   I said, "Don Hansen."

   "Where do you live?"

   "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's
   parked out front."

   "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
   prayers."

   "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.  

   Then I called Jerk #2.

   He answered, "Hello."

   I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

   He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."  

   "You'll what?"

   "I'll kick your butt."

   "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I
   hung up.

   Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
   gang

   fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
   climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
   whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the
   shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two
   guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars
   and a helicopter.  

   The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them
   away. A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I
   was picked to beon a trial of two guys charged with disorderly
   conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two
   guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they
   announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants
   to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

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