Doctor Jokes


(1)Man With a Bad Stomach (2)THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY: (3)Nurse's Revenge
(4)Modern Healthcare (5)Cherrio



Man With a Bad Stomach

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:

-Better save that. We'll need it for the auutopsy.
-Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
-"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Daarkness"
-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, thenn what's that?
-Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.<
-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-Darn, there go the lights again...
-"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heeck, the guy's got two of 'em."
-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact leens!
-Could you stop that thing from beating? IIt's throwing my concentration off...
-What's this doing here?
-I hate it when they're missing stuff in heere...
-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twittch?!
-I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
-Well folks, this will be an experiment forr us all.
-Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, rigght?
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex chhange......!
-Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
-And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
-OK, now take a picture from this angle. Thhis is truly a freak of nature.
-This patient has already had some kids, amm I correct?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donnation card?
-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. -What do you mean "You want a divorce?!" -She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!<
-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
-Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Back to top


Nurse's Revenge

A high-rankng officer was in a military hospital as a patient and was causing the nurses nothing but trouble. One morning the Head nurse accosted him with orders to take his temperature from the rear. After she inserted she left. After about 15 minutes he began to call for help. The Doctor who responded asked him what he was doing. "Having my temperature taken," he replied scornfully. To which the Doctor replied,"With a daffodil?"
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Modern Healthcare


   A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunctions as his
   specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided
   to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this
   area of medicine. 

   As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student
   around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see
   firsthand some of the diseases. The doctor opened the first
   patient's door and teh student was stunned to see the patient
   masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare
   sexual dysfunction that if he didn't have an orgasm every five
   minutes, he would go into traumatic shock. 

   The Chief Doctor proceeded to show the medical student different
   patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would
   understand well. Finally they came upon another room and when
   the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse
   performing oral sex on the patient.

   Confused, the student asked

   "What disease does this man have?"

   "Oh," said the doctor, "He has the same problem as the first
   patient, he just has a better healthplan." 
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Cheerio


A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the 
joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if 
he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the 
doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, 
psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,  
"Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
 
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store 
and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take 
off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor 
until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on 
hands and knees you must crawl to her  like a leopard and 
retrieve the grape using only your tongue. 

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from 
across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a 
ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must 
crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went 
home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see 
the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he 
would not take the case unless he felt that he could help 
them; so he conducted the  physical exams and the same 
battery of tests. 

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so 
I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as 
it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our 
friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the 
office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a 
box of Cheerios..."

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