Computer Jokes

(1)Signs Your addicted to the Net I (2)Problem Solved (3)Computer Diagnosis
(4)Taking Computers Too Seriously (5)YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NET ADDICT WHEN

Signs Your addicted to the Net I

Can any of you identify with any of the following symptoms, if so u need to do something about it (therapy, Dr., etc)
....Tech support calls "You" for help.
....Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
....You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
....You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
....You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
....You've ever typed "drinking on AOL better than drinking alone."
....You have vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
....You no longer type with punctation, capitalization, or complete
sentences.
....You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
....When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
....You sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your
spouse is asleep.
....You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your
family's.
....You lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that
your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
....You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a s/n close to your own.
....You would rahter tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too
much instead of the truth (all night on-line).
....You're broke. your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to
sell your body to get another one.
....You marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your
own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
....You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
....You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
....You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists.
....You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore
button handy.
....You have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
....You use AOL lingo in everyday life.(if you still have one...hehehe)
....Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
....You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line
before your first cup of coffee.
....You wait 6 hours on-line for a certain "special" person to sign on.
....You don't know where the time has gone.
....You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
....Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
....You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on your computer
instead.
....You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
....When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or
***Kisses***.
....You stop typing whole words and use thin like ppl. dunno, and lemme.
....Your voicemai/answering machine message is "BRB, leave you s/n and I will TTYL.
....You type faster than you think.
....Being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
....You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL".
....You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
....You've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and give tech support to other AOLers.
....You have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life.
....You meet people from AOL in a public and have no idea what their real
name is, so you call them by their screen name.
....Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
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Problem Solved

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware
problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally
turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power
switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's
bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is
loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because
it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
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Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should go see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that, there's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
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You Know You're Taking Computers Too Seriously When...

You recognize two or more parcel delivery truck drivers and can call them by name.
One of the package delivery drivers attends your wedding.
You pay for software to be delivered "next day air" when you really don't need it that quickly.
You know your package "tracking number" by heart.
All your friends and relatives give you blank diskettes for your birthday and Christmas presents.
Have your wife name your computer as the co-respondent in your divorce papers.
Have never bought one of the "dummies" books.
Bought all the "dummies" books for your wife/husband to get them involved in computers.
Stay on the Internet so much that your commercial provider makes you buy a corporate account.
Ask a potential mate for their e-mail address rather than their sign.
When you wash clothes, you find stray diskettes in your pockets.
You hear the word "Windows" on a TV commercial and wrestle the remote away from your wife to turn up the volume only to find out it's a commercial selling new windows for houses.
You refuse to delete programs off your hard drive that you haven't used in two years.
You overhear a co-worker mention the word bulletin board and interrupt the conversation only to learn he's talking about a notice on the company bulletin board.
Can operate three or more communication packages. Know what IDE, RAM, CMOS, MEGS, VESA and SCSI stand for.
Start looking at new hard drives when you get less than 200 megs of space free on your present drives.
Subscribe to more than three monthly computer magazines.
Go out and buy 50 new floppies rather than go through the 300 used ones you have and delete the files on them.
Get copies of programs from your friends and never use them.
Have more than five books on the Internet.
Can't carry on a conversation without changing it to computers.
Drop everything you're doing to go out and purchase the new program you just read about in a computer magazine.
Start figuring "must have" computer upgrades into the family budget.
Try to "sell" computers by talking about how great they are to all your friends and relatives, telling them they've "got to have one."
Have at least one more computer than people who live in the house.
Memorize the telephone numbers of your favorite computer stores.
Upgrade computer software packages as soon as you get notice that one's available, even if the new features aren't something you'll use.
Call your computer by a name.
Become the guy that everyone at work comes to with their computer problems.
Consider calling Microsoft in the United Kingdom to get an early copy of a program you can't buy here.
Take your computer on vacation with you, even if you go camping.
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NET ADDICT WHEN;

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor. com
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.AND KIDS!!
You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You refer to your age as 3.x.
You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
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