Bar Jokes

(1)Embarrassing Situations (2)Empire State BLdg (3)Blowing Chunks
(4)Bbbbbeer Pppplease (5)Past Her Fuzz? (6) How Big's Your BIC
(7)Depressed (8)The Golden Saloon (9)Hook n'Eye
(10)Jesus Christ (11)ALEments!

Embarrassing Situations

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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Empire State Bldg

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire
State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes
a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you
jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and
you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the
window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs
over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes
to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back
through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again," and with that, he falls
out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to
a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the
window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the hell, I'll give it a try", the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and
splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually
closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman,
you're a real prick when you're drunk".
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Blowing Chunks

A man goes to a bar on Sunday and tells the bartender he wants a whole bottle of tequilla.
Naturaly, he gets plastered and has to take a cab home.
This continues all week long, until Saturday. He comes in, white as a ghost, and asks the bartender for a glass of milk.
The bartender asks, "Why aren't you having your tequilla?"
To this the man replies, "I got so drunk Friday that I went home and blew chunks."
The bartender says "I would too, if I drank that much!"
The guy then answers,
"No, you don't understand...
Chunks is my dog!"
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Bbbbbeer Pppplease

This guy walks into a bar and says, "a bbbbbeer pppplease".
The bartender gets him a beer and said, "I used to be a stutterer.
But I had my wife give me a blow job and I haven't stuttered since. You should take my advice and try it, it worked for me."
The guy nods and says, "ththththanks", drinks the beer and leaves.
A couple hours later the guy comes back to the bar.
Bartender grinning: "Did you take my advice?"
The guy nods.
Bartender: "Did it work?" Guy: "NNNNNNo, bbbbbbut you rrrrrreally have a nice house."
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Past Her Fuzz?

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation.
Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."
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How Big's Your BIC

A guy walks into a bar, bellies up to the bar next to this huge BIC lighter. This lighter must be 12 inches tall! He asks the bartender, "Where did you get such a large Bic lighter?"

The bartender replies, "A genie gave it to me." "Sure, a genie gave it to you," the patron sarcastically retorts. "No, really. See here's the magic lamp where the genie is trapped."

The patron asks if he could see the lamp. The bartender hands it over. The patron promptly rubs the lamp and POOF out pops a genie.

The genie booms, "He who wakes me will receive one wish." The man thinks a while and says, "I want a million bucks!"
The genie nods his head, and tells the patron go home and his wish will be fulfilled.
So, the man hauls butt towards home. As he rounds the corner he notices that his yard appears to be white. As he gets closer he realizes that the 'white' is what appears to be a million DUCKS.

Now he's pissed. He runs back to the bar, confronts the bartender and screams, "I wanted a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!" The bartender casually replies, "Did you think I asked for a 12 inch BIC?"
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Depressed


This guy walks into a bar, moping around, and looking generally
depressed. He slides up to the bar, craddles his head in his arms, and
sits there being miserable. The bartender, sympathetic guy that he
is, comes up to him and asks: "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"

He answers:  "Oh hell, I just found out that my youngest son is gay,
and I'm not taking it very well."

The bartender offers him a drink on the house and tries to console
him. He downs the drink, offers his thanks, and leaves the bar shaking
his head. 

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar, looking even more
bedraggled and depressed. "Wow, what's the matter?" says the
bartender. "Well" the client says, "you won't believe it, my middle
son is also gay. This is a real shock, and I don't know how to handle
it!" 
"Here" sighs the bartender, and offers the guy another drink on the
house who downs it instantly, then shuffles out the door.

Two days pass, and the miserable guy comes in looking absolutely
shattered. He's a walking wreck, sobbing and muttering to himself as
he eases up to the bar. "Omigod!" says the bartender, what
happened to you?" " Well, I just found out that my older brother is
gay as well. I don't know what to do!" "Gezz!" says the bartender "
Isn't there anybody in your family who likes women?"

The shattered man looks up, eyes red, and answers pitifully, "My
wife..."

The Golden Saloon


A guy comes home completely drunk one night.  He lurches 
through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most 
definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.  
Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden 
floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks 
the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden 
Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender 
answers the phone. 

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender 
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed 
in your saxophone last night!"

Hook n'Eye


A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventure
on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook,
and an eye patch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The
pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me
out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied
the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling
the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to seagull poop?" the sailor asked
incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

Jesus Christ


A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus 
Christ.  Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. 
She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His 
father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks 
him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer 
his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum 
in an alley. 

He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum 
replies, "Well, I am." 

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum 
takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him 
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, 

"Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"

ALEments!


A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in
and out of the lanes.  He goes up to the guy's window and 
says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.  I am an asthmatic.  
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine.  I need you to come down to the station to give a 
blood sample." 

I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.  If I do that, I'll bleed 
to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.  I am also a diabetic.  If I 
do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white 
line." 

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."