Animal Jokes

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergenat, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!" The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and preceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. Back to top

"I'll tell ya my secret, but you can't tell anyone else."
"Ok fine, I need help."
"Ok what ya do is you put all pigs in your truck, drive them down to the forrest and fuck them yourself. The next morning if they are laying on their backs with their feet in the air you'll know they're pregnant."

"I'm desperate I'll try anything."
So that night he loads the pigs up and heads of to the forest. He fucks them, then brings them back home. Tired he goes to bed. He wakes up early the next morning, runs outside. The pigs are all walking around normal. Well, he figures it was the first time and maybe he just didn't get lucky. So he does the same thing that night. Goes to bed and wakes up early to see how the pigs are doing. They are all walking around normal still. So he says this is the last night. He takes all the pigs out to the forest. And he fucks the living crud out of them. He fucks them all night till the sun is starting to come up. Then he drives them home and falls into bed.

A few hours later his wife comes in a wakes him up.
"Honey, wake up the pigs are acting funny!"
"Are they laying on their backs with legs in the air?" he asked excitedly. "No they've all climbed into the front of the truck and their honking the horn."
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A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when
 the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
 
 The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
 
 A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said,
 "You shouldn't do that.  He'll never learn anything if you reward
 him when he does something like that!".
 
 The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying
 to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!!

A guy walks into a bar  with a monkey on his shoulder.  The guy sits 
  at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender.  While they're
  talking,
  the monkey walks over to the billiard table, and eats one of the 
  pool balls. 
  
  The bartender says to the guy, " What the heck is wrong with your
  monkey?  
  He just ate one of the billiard balls!" The guy replies,  "I can't
  help it.  
  He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing
  I 
  can do to stop it." He takes the monkey, and leaves.
  
  A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the
  monkey with him.  This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a
  peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and
  eats it.
  
  The bartender says to the guy, " What the heck is he doing now?"  "He
  still pretty much eats everything, but after the billiard ball
  incident
  a few days ago, he now checks to make sure it will fit before he eats
  it."

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. 
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very
 ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, 
 the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in
heat.  What to do? 
 There was no male of this species available.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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