Airplane Jokes
(1)Airplane Rides
(2)Flying
(3)The Jump
(4)Strong Coffee And?
(5)Tickets
Airplane Rides!
A farmer and his wife went to a fair.
The farmer was fascinated by the
airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride
will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate
you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
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Flying
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be
blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start revving
and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each
other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking
desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the
end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
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The Jump
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So,did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened.
We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got
up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked
the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the
other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?"
asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the
last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So, did you
jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go.
Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
I said, ``No, sir. I'm
too scared.''
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I
swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said,
``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up
your ass.''"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at
first."
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Strong Coffee And?
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky
passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our
recent
hurricane "Bob".
The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the
storm,
but it was a pretty rough ride just the same
rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for
about
half an hour,
and many of the passengers were putting the little
plastic-lined
bags in their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally
abated,
the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came
on
over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?'
But we came through
it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks
like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer.
On behalf of myself
and
today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness
and
cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
after a short pause and several clicks
"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of
good strong coffee and a blow job right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called
after
her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
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Tickets
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was
collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs,
he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said,
"I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here,
not your stub."
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