50 Wonderful Years of Marriage
A couple goes out to dinner to
celebrate their 50th wedding
anniversary. On the way home,
she notices a tear in his eye
and asks if he's getting
sentimental because they're
celebrating 50 wonderful years
together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking
about the time before we got
married. Your father threatened
me with a shotgun and said he'd
have me thrown in jail for 50
years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free
man!"
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Birthday
You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an old man
sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check
to see if he is O.k!
YM: Sir, are you O.K?
old man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)
YM: Wow, it's a special day for you.
old man: Yes it is. I'm 85 today (and still crying.)
YM: Even better, you look great for your age.
old man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)
YM: Married!! Gee, that's great! 85 and married, wow! You've got a
a whole new life ahead of you.
old man: I married a 25 year old.
YM: Holly Molly!! Even better.
old man: We have sex every day! ( he's till crying)
YM: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you.
old man: Yes, I am, and I've forgotten where I lived!!
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You Got Problems?
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first
says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm eightyfive years old. Every morning at
seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate.
They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm seventy years
old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day
long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm eighty years old. Every
morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
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Checkup
An Old Man went to the doctor for a physical. After examining
the man, the doctor said "I think you are alright, but just the same
before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen
sample."
The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and
said "What did the doctor say?"
His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!"
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Hard Of Hearing
AN Old Man and his Lady met in a nursing home and decided
to get married. Both had been widowed some years before, and, naturally,
it had been a long time since either had enjoyed conjugal relations. So
on their wedding night, as she started to disrobe, the little old lady
turned to her new husband and said, "Now, before we get frisky, I just
want you to know that I have acute angina."
Her new husband, a little deaf, replied "WHAT WAS THAT,
HONEYBUNCH?"
"I SAID, I'VE GOT ACUTE ANGINA!"
"WHAT?" he yelled back.
"I SAID, I'VE GOT ACUTE ANGINA!" she screamed.
"It's a good thing," Old man muttered "-- those wrinkly old
tits of yours are enough to make me lose my lunch!"
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Buying a Car
An Old Man entered the car agency together with his young wife.
The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon
them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of
course, the old man noticed.
"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my
wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay
you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me
for free!"
"OK, agreed!"
THe Old Man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner
did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her
breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the old man opened his fly,
pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.
"What colour car do you want?" asked the agency owner.
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Vegas Vacation
A Old Man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it
has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks
out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs.
After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers
out, "How am I doing, honey?" She replies, "About three nots."
He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"
She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your
money back!"
Did you know the government is releasing a new stamp dedicated to
prostitution?
It's 32 cents . . . but if you lick it, it's a dollar.
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You Know You're Getting Older When:
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying
a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl
go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
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Doctors Office
An old man went to the doctor for a physical exam. When the doc was
thru the old man said "What about my sperm count"? "Sperm count said
the doc!" You're 65 years old. The old man said I paid for a complete
physical and I want it. So the doctor gave him a little bottle and told him to
go home and do his thing in the bottle and return it. 2 weeks later
The old man came back in holding an empty bottle! What happened said the
doctor?
old man said " I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my
right hand and I even got my wife to take out her teeth. And I still can't get
the top off this damn bottle.
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Old People
After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent
their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used
to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Florida.
Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded
people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled
tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are.
They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked,
they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do
exercises there, but they don't do them very good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with
their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man
sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him
seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up
shells that they think are dollars.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night -
early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don't know how to
cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall
and they call it "Pot Luck".
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment.
I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the
doll house won't let them out!
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Careful What You Wish For!
A little old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her
front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy
godmother
appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted
three
wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be
really
rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I
wouldn't mind
being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF ***
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old
woman's tomcat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile
that
makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers
in
her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, huh?"
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Gas Gas Gas
An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I
pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd
be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've
been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor
gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back
in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says,
"Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the
time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,
now we'll have to work on your hearing."
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Got THe Bread
To that Grandma said, "Yep we sure could."
After a while Grandpa reach over to Grandma's crotch and gave it a pat
and said, "You know Ma, if this could give eggs we could get rid of the
chickens."
Grandma said, "Yep we sure could."
After a short while Grandma reached over to Grandpa and started
stroking his Jewels and said, "You know Pa, if this could get hard we could get
rid of your brother.
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