| STC 20 Joan looked at her watch. She had gone to their room and separated them at three a.m. and it was now five. Two hours had passed in an instant as the memories rolled through her mind. So much had happened to those boys, to them all really. The last year and a half had flown by. The four of them were A students, consistently topping the honor roll, competing with one another for the first spot. They all had their talents— Justin was a swimmer first in his own mind, winning medals and awards, Lance sang, winning voice competitions wherever AJ would take him, Nick excelled in art and his work could always be seen in some local show with a blue ribbon hanging from it and finally, Howie was working with a local architect and his drawings were praised. She knew that some of the overachievement in her four boys was an attempt to prove that they were worthy of some of the good things in life, to hide their fears behind the mask of success. But it was still hard here. The cases that came in got worse every year— neglect of gigantic proportions, horrifying physical abuse, sexual violations, and emotional abuse that left the scars on the inside. The boys arriving now were in such pain that the animal in them seemed to be the only part that was still alive. Joan's heart broke, knowing that St.Catherine's would always be what it was, a dumping off place for the unwanted kids, some of them too shattered to ever put back together. Joey and Kevin had worked with Noel long enough to leave as decent young men. They were working downtown, holding down responsible jobs. She even occasionally saw them when they stopped by to say hello to Noel. Chris was another story. He had resisted the therapy, the pain of dredging up his past too much to even contemplate. As a result, he faded away, still an angry and hurt young man and when she asked, Joey and Kevin said they never saw him. She prayed that somehow he wouldn't have to live his life in such misery, that there would be a miracle for him. That had been six months ago. It was another night of checking on them, another night of thinking about the boys and their future. She rubbed her eyes and contemplated tomorrow's, or more accurately, today's problem. Justin and Lance had entered many talent contests after the first and they were just so wonderful together that they almost always snagged one of the top prizes. Lance had stars in his eyes all of the time and constantly pressured Justin, hoping that he would be as enthusiastic about a future in music as he himself was. Just a few weeks ago, Justin had plopped into a chair in her office and frowned, "What if I don't want to be a singer?" "Don't be," Joan said with a shrug. "You know it's not that easy," the fifteen year old sighed. "This is Lance's dream. It has to be my dream, too." "It can't be your dream for that reason. It'll never work." She studied his forlorn expression. "What do you want to do?" "Coach maybe. Like Mike." Joan knew Justin would be good at it and Mike could definitely get him a job during the summer. But somehow her gut said that he was lying to himself. That he really did want to sing but something was holding him back. "OK, Justin, what are you afraid of?" she asked gently. She knew she had struck a chord when his eyes filled. He wiped them quickly with the back of his hand. He cried rarely now so she was surprised at his reaction. He thought for a minute with his eyes closed. "I'm afraid I'll fail Lance. I won't be good enough." "Have you talked to AJ about this?" He shook his head. "Why not?" He shrugged. "OK, now I'm getting annoyed. Get up, go find him, ask him about this, and come back here with an answer. Understand?" When he returned thirty minutes later, he was grinning. Joan sighed in relief, glad that the tactic had worked. "So? What did he say?" "He said that together we're unbeatable. He said that my voice was a perfect match for Lance's. He has a friend that he's going to ask to come to the next talent show." "So now what do you want to do when you grow up?" Joan asked softly. He didn't answer. He just hugged her and raced off to find Lance, to tell him what AJ had said. That was last month. Today, AJ had come to see her. Joan looked up in surprise. "Hey, what are you doing here?" "I need your help. Remember the talent show on Saturday?" "Yes, dear, I'm not senile." she replied, a smile on her face. He didn't return the smile. He ran his hands through his long dark hair nervously. "My friend came, the one from the management company, the one with the connections to BMG." Joan nodded, not sure what BMG was but not wanting to interrupt. "He loved the kids." "Shouldn't you be happy?" she asked, confused by his demeanor. "He wants a contract," AJ answered and Joan realized what the problem was. She shook her head. Getting the Basses and the Harlesses to sign contracts was going to be next to impossible. Justin had needed a signed release for a state meet and it took weeks to track them down, get them to accept her calls, and sign the paper. She wasn't even sure what she had said that finally convinced them. "What does a contract involve for them?" She wasn't even sure herself if it was a good idea to start them so young. He had to sell her first. "It would be a contract to cut a demo that would be shopped around. It's here in New York so it wouldn't involve a lot of travel and I'd be with them every step of the way, managing them if they'll let me. If the demo gets a bite, then it would involve a lot more, maybe even leaving St. Catherine's." Joan frowned, "Justin is only fifteen and Lance 17. How would they finish school? Who would take care of them?" She had to admit that the thought of the two leaving so soon saddened her. On the other hand, this was their dream and who knew what other opportunities would come along. She knew she had to give them this chance if all the facts checked out. AJ had come to her office prepared for battle. He had facts and plans and contingency plans and projected plans and God knew what else that he bombarded her with until she threw up her hands in defeat. "What do you need from me?" "I need you to contact the families and get them to sign the contracts." Joan snorted. "I know...how difficult they are. I guess... just try, ok? If not, well, then they have to wait until they're 18 and two plus years is a long time in this business— fads come and go. My friend has three boys that he wants them to join. If they can't, I'm sure he'll find two other kids. There are a lot of singers looking for work." Joan sighed, "I'll do my best, AJ. But ... I'm not too hopeful. Have you told the boys yet?" When he shook his head, she said, "Don't. This is a long shot at the moment. Let's not disappoint them if we don't have to." He agreed and she said that she would try tomorrow. That had been about eighteen hours ago and she wasn't looking forward to her task. Her neck was stiff when she woke up and she thought wryly that beds were for sleeping and sofas for sitting. She rubbed it as she planned her day. She'd try the Basses first. She hadn't been rejected by them quite as recently as Justin's parents. Then if it went well, good luck, she'd move on to the Harlesses. By the afternoon, she had a headache. The Basses had hung up twice before letting her say anything. When they realized she wouldn't give up, they reluctantly listened and agreed to meet with her, AJ, and Lance the next day. She hoped that they would give him this chance and not punish him any further but they made no promises. The Harlesses were as stubborn as she was and they hung up so many times she lost count. On the last time, Paul Harless had screamed into the phone, "What the fuck do you want now?" Joan, who was at the end of her rope, clenched her teeth. "I need to meet with you about an important matter involving Justin." "Nothing involving Justin is important. Is there some other way that I can impress you with that fact?" Her stomach flipped. They had made that so clear to Justin that he carried it around all the time. He struggled every day to look in the mirror and see someone of value. She was afraid to go further with her thoughts. She wanted to shout hateful things back and that would not help Justin at all. So she bit down on her lip and continued. "Please, just come and talk to us. It will benefit you as well." She hated to bribe them but there didn't seem to be too many other options. When he didn't yell back or slam the phone down, she knew she had him. She waited and then said, "Shall we set up an appointment?" He agreed and they set it up for the day after tomorrow. Two in one day would kill her or she would kill them. AJ was overjoyed and said he would be there and present the plan to them. They debated not having the kids there but it was necessary that all involved be at the meeting. Joan steeled herself, hoping that she could protect her babies. Lance was sitting in the office the next day, his hands giving away the nervousness that he was trying to hide. She sat down facing him. Softly, she said, "Lance, if it wasn't necessary, I wouldn't have you here. Just know that your parents are confused, not evil." He nodded, miserable that he couldn't look forward to seeing his parents, that he was afraid of how badly they could hurt him. He wished Justin could be here to hold his hand and he remembered the kiss, the promise, Justin said, that he was there with him, forever. Now he chewed on his lower lip, waiting. When Mary showed them in, he scrambled to his feet, watching for some sign of love, of warmth. Instead he was met with two pairs of cold eyes. He could feel the tears prick and willed them away. There was an uneasy silence for the next few minutes until AJ came. No questions, no how have you beens, no my how you've growns. Just silence. AJ wasted no time explaining the contract and what it would mean. When he was finished, they looked at one another and shook their heads. Lance saw it and panicked, "No, please sign it. I can't do this without you. Please. Please." He kept repeating the word, falling to his knees and begging them, sobs wrenched from him when they continued to say no. His father and mother exchanged disgusted looks which Lance thankfully missed, the tears blinding him. Joan was in agony watching his carefully wrought dream being torn apart. She put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him back to his seat where he bowed his head and continued to cry. AJ played his trump card. "If you sign this contract and Lance is successful, you will be entitled to fifty per cent of his earnings until he is 21. If he signs as an emancipated minor in six months, you will get nothing. I believe in his talent and you could do very well financially." They considered it. "Where do we sign?" Lance held his breath. AJ pointed the line out and they signed, never looking at their son. They stood to leave. "If by some miracle, you are successful, I hope you hide that fag boyfriend of yours away somewhere. Or change your name." Lance didn't reply. What could he say? The door shut behind them and Lance immediately asked to be excused, anxious to run back to Justin, to feel loved and valued, not the worthless piece of shit that they believed him to be. In their room, he slammed the door behind him and fell onto Justin's bed and into Justin's embrace. His young lover held him tightly, no words needed, stroking the silky blond hair, and humming quietly. A long time passed before Justin found out that Lance's parents had signed the papers. He also found out what they had said and how they made Lance feel. No threat of punishment would have been enough to get him to leave Lance. That night they made gentle, sweet love and Justin drew strength to face his own ordeal. And ordeal it was. Justin was never ready. No matter how he tried to prepare himself, it was never enough. Paul Harless strode into the room and slapped away Justin's offered hand. He turned to his mother and dropped his hand, her face telling him that they were not here out of love. "Well, let's get on with it. Still a fag, boy?" He smiled as Justin winced at the use of that word. He didn't answer, just kept staring at his hands twisting in his lap. Joan stopped Paul as he was about to say something else, "Mr. Harless, please stop that." It was her best St. Catherine's voice and he did stop. She prayed AJ would get here soon. He flew in moments later, apologizing for his lateness. Paul bristled when he saw the long, black hair. "You a fag, too?" AJ looked up, a shocked expression on his face. "That's not why we're here, is it?" he answered, an even tone to his voice that Joan wasn't sure she could have managed in his place. Then AJ launched smoothly into his presentation. They listened carefully, no doubt waiting for the part that would benefit them. Justin watched anxiously, trying to read their faces, and there was nothing encouraging there. He thought back to this morning when they were talking about the meeting. "No matter how it goes, Lance, promise me that you'll go anyway." Lance shook his head. "You have to, " Justin cried, "this has been your dream for always. Don't miss out on it. Not for me." Lance walked over to Justin and stared into his eyes, shimmering with tears, and said. "The dream includes you. Without you in it, the dream is useless. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?" Justin had been stunned. He knew Lance always said that he loved him, that he was important, but to give this up for him? It was beyond his imagination. They kissed, a gentle reassurance that shifted into need before they knew it. They stepped back breathless. "....may involve travel. They would finish school on the road if all goes well." Justin came back with a thud as he saw his parents shake their heads. He could feel the tremble of his lips and the prick of tears. He had known this would happen. They wouldn't ever willingly do something to make him happy, not when he was a fag and a disgrace and .... Paul asked the question that they hoped he wouldn't, "Just him?" AJ sidestepped the question, "The contract is Justin's." "And is his boyfriend going along?" Who said that bigots were stupid? "Boyfriend?" AJ asked, cluelessness written plainly, he hoped. But Paul was not going to be put off. He turned to Joan. "You've been putting ideas in his head since he got here. You know he has a boyfriend. Is the kid going along or not?" "Why does that matter?" Joan responded. "Is he or isn't he?" "Yes, he is," Justin said. "The two of us were asked to do this. Please, sign the contract and I won't bother you anymore. I won't tell anyone I'm your son. I'll stay out of your life forever. Please, just sign it." He couldn't say any more. The tears fell unchecked now, the pain of facing their anger and rejection again, overwhelming. "So you can go off, two fags to see the world? So now it's ok for two men to fuck each other and call it love, you little pansy? " Justin was still, the words beating him as no fists could have. The room was silent. "AJ, continue. I'm taking Justin outside for a minute," Joan said, "we'll be right back." They stood to go and Lynn rose as well, holding out her arms. Justin stopped and Joan's heart raced. Not again! Then he turned his back on his mother and followed Joan out the door. In the other office, he let her hold him and soothe him, whispering loving things to him, futilely trying to counteract the hateful message. It took a few minutes to regain control. "Am I so awful? Is how I feel about Lance so wrong?" "No, no, no, no, no, Justin. What you two have is beautiful and good. You are an angel, a special angel sent just for Lance and he for you. Please believe that, Justin. You've come so far. Don't let your stepfather destroy it all." He nodded but the damage had been done. She sighed, "We have to go back. Are you ready?" He shrugged. How do you get ready? Once inside, he saw his stepfather and mother signing papers and his eyes widened. Like the very first day, Paul threw the papers at them and stood to go. "Make us rich, boy, to make up for the misery that you are." Justin nodded, not sure what he meant, not caring, just happy that he and Lance could do this together. When they were gone, AJ explained the financial arrangement. Justin kept agreeing. Couldn't they see he didn't care? Just let me go. Joan finally had pity on him, "Just go, baby." And Lance was waiting and the road was ahead. They celebrated their future that night. It wasn't about success or money or fame. It was about them. It was about how much they loved and supported one another. It was about how far they had come. And it was about how far they had to go— together continue menu |