Suffer the Children 2 He walked down the hall, his hand in hers. She carried the little suitcase.  His ball remained in her office closet where it would be safe from the older boys who would take it away just to watch him cry. She could feel him trembling. They stopped in front of a door and she knocked. Hearing a faint "Come in" she led the way. Another young boy lay on his back, a book in his hand. He scrambled up when he saw who it was. He had blond hair also but he was sturdier than Justin. He was sweet natured and kind even though he had already been here a year. His single mother had been arrested on drug charges and was going to be in jail for the foreseeable future. He never complained and somehow had managed to pass under the older boys' radar and they never really bothered with him. Joan loved him and went out of her way to make his life more pleasant. "Nick, this is Justin. He's going to be in your room now. He's your age so I hope that you two can be friends." Nick held out his hand and shook Justin's, " I  like games and basketball and tv but I never get to watch my programs." Justin's eyes lit up at the mention of basketball, "I have a ball. It's in Joan's office." Joan needed to get going, "Nick, please tell Justin what he needs to do, the rules. Justin, everyone must be very neat here. So unpack your suitcase and put everything away carefully. I'll be back to take you to dinner." Justin shivered and bit his lip as unshed tears threatened to spill over. She knelt down, "Nick is a good boy, too. I'll be back." Then she hugged him and he hugged back so tightly she was sure he would fuse to her. She finally managed to unwrap his arms from her waist and kissed his curls. Then she backed slowly out of the room, closing the door softly behind her. Justin was afraid to turn around, to meet Nick's eyes. So he avoided the other boy, emptying his meager belongings into the dresser near the unoccupied bed. Then he was finished and wasn't sure what to do next so he sat on the edge of the bed and folded his hands again, staring at the floor. Waiting. "Justin?" Nick called softly, "I have to tell you the rules. OK?" He sounded nice like Joan had promised so Justin looked up and smiled briefly, "Sure." "We have to get up at six, shower, get dressed, make our beds, straighten the room, and get our books together. Mass is at seven and then we eat breakfast. After that we go to school, eat lunch, play sports, do our homework, eat dinner and then we have an hour to play or read or whatever. Lights have to be out by nine until you're twelve. Then it's ten." Justin looked overwhelmed at the schedule and he had lots of questions but it seemed that Nick wasn't finished. "There are three big rules and lots of little ones I'll try to tell you about as we go. The three big ones are— Never talk back to an adult, Always answer an adult, and Do everything you're told to do like jobs, homework, anything, you know." Justin nodded. Sounded like home and he hadn't succeeded very well there. He was getting more frightened by the moment. Tears filled his eyes and he saw Nick shake his head, "They like to see you cry." Justin looked ashamed and whimpered, "I can't help it." "Think mean thoughts. That's what I do." Justin heard him.  Maybe later, but right now fear was filling every space in his brain, effectively shutting down rational thought. He just shook his head as the tears flowed down his cheeks. Nick watched him and chewed on his nails. He knew that a kid as sensitive as Justin was going to go through hell. He wanted to help but he also wanted to stay out of the line of fire himself. He sighed and stood. "Let's go. Now here's another rule. Look around before you leave and make sure nothing is out of place. They hit you hard for that." They both looked. The room was as impersonal as a hotel. It was another way for the administration to make the boys feel alone and disconnected. Justin started to say something but Nick held a finger to his lips. "No talking in the halls." Justin followed Nick through a maze of halls. He was sure to get lost if Nick left him. After too many turns to remember, Justin saw Joan coming toward them. She stopped and waited, "Well, did you settle in?" Justin started to answer and then remembered, so he simply nodded. Joan frowned, "Justin, in this home you have to answer `Yes, sir or ma'am' not just nod. Do you understand?" Justin gulped but couldn't speak. Nick remained silent. Joan said softly, "Justin?" Finally, Nick said, "I told him you can't talk in the halls." Joan smiled, "That's true, baby. But you have to answer an adult. Right?" Justin breathed a sigh of relief, "Yes, ma'am." "Call me Joan but no one else wants you to use their names. OK?" "Yes, Joan," he answered but his head was spinning with all the conflicting rules and he just knew that he would mess up like always. He was still agonizing over that thought when they entered the dining hall. He looked up and froze. Facing him  was a huge room filled with boys of all ages and sizes and it felt very scary. Joan's hand was warm and comforting on his back as she gently pushed him to the front. Nick hung back and eventually slipped away and found a seat, hoping that Justin would sit with someone else and not him. It wasn't that he didn't like Justin but it was easy to see Justin would be a great target and if they were together, well....Joan was introducing him to the group and Nick looked around, noticing the smirks and elbows among the older boys. Justin himself stood like a statue, his face as pale and still as marble.  Nick heard him whisper "Hello" when Joan prompted him and he cringed when he heard a ripple of laughter spread through the room. Justin's gaze immediately dropped to the floor, suddenly finding his feet quite fascinating. Waiting. Joan's eyes swept the room and Nick knew she was looking for him. He sighed when her eyes met his. She started back with Justin in tow. Then she deposited Justin and whispered something to him. He nodded and stared down at the table. Waiting. Nick ignored him and ate quickly when the food arrived. Justin just sat there, tears leaking out despite his best efforts. Justin felt sick. He had heard the laughter and it reminded him of his older brother's friends. JC wasn't half-bad but his friends were mean and picked on Justin constantly or until JC got sick of it. This felt the same. Even Nick who had seemed so nice before was shutting him out. Same old question—what was he doing wrong? He had done everything anyone had told him. Still, nobody wanted him. Joan had said she'd see him before bedtime and then left him here all alone. What was wrong with him? When he felt the tears, he tried all of the old tricks— biting his lip, pinching himself, digging into his palm. Nothing stopped them and he didn't want to wipe them because then everyone would notice. He was so caught up in his own world, he didn't notice that dinner had ended and they were all carrying their plates to the kitchen. As each boy passed, he heard muttered insults— "baby, wuss, fag". Boys seemed to be making a detour just to pass by him. He wanted to curl into a ball and disappear. He couldn't even leave until he could follow Nick and Nick wasn't moving. Finally there were just a few in the room and Nick motioned to him. He stood and followed Nick, copying all of his actions. He followed Nick at a distance correctly interpreting Nick's desire not to be associated with him even if he didn't understand why. Reaching the safety of their room, Justin threw himself on the bed and buried his face in the pillow, vainly trying to hide the sobs. "Take your shoes and pants off to lie down on the bed," Nick said softly. When Justin didn't respond, Nick went over and pulled off Justin's sneakers and placed them carefully under the bed. "They hit you for that, too." When Justin still didn't answer, Nick sat down on his own bed and sighed, "I'm sorry." His breath hitched and it was obvious that he was going to cry also. Justin sat up and rubbed his eyes and stared at his roommate. He watched as Nick bent over, hugging himself and rocking back and forth. "Why are you crying?" Justin asked with a sniffle. "I'm sorry I was so mean to you. I'm scared of the older boys. I heard them. I don't want them to come after me so I figured...." he trailed off. "...if they didn't know about us then they would leave you alone?" "Yeah, I'm sorry," he said for the third time, sniffling himself. "Are there rules for getting ready for bed?" Justin asked. He couldn't say it was OK that Nick had done that but he wanted a friend so badly he couldn't be mad either. "Yeah. Put your clothes away and brush your teeth. You going to bed?" "Yeah," Justin said quietly. The truth was he had nothing else to do and he hoped that it was a good place to hide. He brushed his teeth in the small sink and put on his new pajamas and slipped between the sheets without another word. "OK, well, I have homework. See you in the morning." He wasn't surprised that Justin ignored him. By the time Joan had finished her duties, Justin was truly asleep. She went over to his bed and leaned down. She sniffed that sweet little boy smell and kissed his curls. Then she sat next to Nick and looked at him, a frown creasing her face, "Why, Nick?" Nick knew she knew but tried to pretend that she didn't, "What, Joan, I don't know what you're talking..." "Cut it out, Nick," she interrupted. "You tried to ditch him. That was really mean." Nick's eyes filled with tears again. He wasn't a mean child at all despite his own harsh life. It had always amazed Joan that he was able to keep the sweetness intact. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "It's just that he....the older boys...the monitors....." He couldn't say it out loud– how frightened he was that Justin would be the object of everyone's amusement for awhile, maybe a long while, and Nick didn't want to join him, no matter how nice he was. He didn't want to be Justin's friend or teacher or protector. He just wanted to fall back under everyone's radar and be left alone. Joan sighed, again, "I understand. I can't make you help him or be his friend. Just put yourself in his place, Nick." She knew it was a shitty adult manipulation but she needed Nick to be there for Justin and if manipulating him would make it happen, then so be it. Nick's mom had been the queen of guilt, manipulating him into doing all kinds of unchildlike tasks.  But he still fell for it. The truth was Nick did feel sorry for Justin and would try to help him. He just needed to figure out how he could do it and still remain invisible. He nodded, "I know. OK, I'll try." His head hung down, his hands folded quietly, wondering what he had just agreed to do and if he could actually follow through. Morning came all too soon, a shrill bell reverberating through the halls. Justin sat up terrified, looking around wildly, his breath coming in short gasps. Nick, who was used to the noise, just drew the covers further over his head until he heard Justin's sobs. Throwing back the covers, Nick sat up and stared at Justin. "Ssh," he said gently, "It's only the morning bell. There are bells for everything here. Guess you didn't hear the lights out, huh?" At the sound of Nick's soothing voice, Justin calmed, his breathing becoming easier as his crying subsided. Nick was relieved, "C'mon, we gotta go take showers. Get your stuff." Justin gathered his towel and shampoo and followed Nick. The showers were communal but not too threatening as this floor only had younger boys on it. Nevertheless, Justin kept his eyes down. He undressed and found an empty space. He intended to make this quick. Soon he heard the whispers— "baby...crying...fag...Chris" but he didn't look up. As soon as humanly possible he finished and fled back to the safety of their room. More tears. He was a baby he thought miserably as he sat on the bed unmoving. Nick came in with an angry look on his face, "What did I tell you? Now they know you're afraid of them.  Now you're in for it and probably me, too, since I defended your sorry ass." "Why?" "Why what?" "Why did you defend me?" Justin asked hoping that the other boy did it out of an incipient friendship. "Because Joan made me feel guilty," the blond snapped. "Now get dressed. We have Mass in thirty minutes and we have to be all ready for school and our room chores done. He felt awful when Justin's eyes filled again but he was too pissed to be nice, "Stop crying! You are a big baby!" Justin froze, biting his lip to stop the trembling. "I'm trying," he whispered. He stood without another word and dressed silently, gathered his few school supplies, made his bed, and then sat down. Waiting. Nick knew he should be kind but he was scared for both of them and it came out as anger. He said nothing more to Justin, simply motioning for him to follow. Justin trailed behind again, wondering just what it was about him that people hated so much. Deep in thought, he ran into Nick's back when they finally got to the chapel. Nick glared but accepted Justin's mumbled apology. Whispering, Nick stated, "We sit by ages. See that boy in the fourth row. He's ten. Go sit with him." Justin started off. He could feel everyone staring and he felt the tears coming again. He clenched his fists and dug his nails into his palm. Managing to get down the aisle with no obvious wetness on his cheeks, he slid in and sat down. A sharp elbow was his only greeting and when he took a quick peek, he saw more unfriendly eyes. Mass was short. Justin wasn't Catholic so he wasn't sure what had happened but he tried to say Amen in all the right places and followed the other boys in standing, kneeling, and sitting. At least it was peaceful. Unlike breakfast which was another nightmare. More taunts, more "accidental" jabs, more laughter when one boy was bold enough to trip him. No one came to help him. He had never felt more alone in his life. But he didn't cry. Joan was waiting outside to take him to meet the principal, Sister Connie. Nick, when he had been talking to him, had said she was nice but really strict. He and Joan sat and he watched the nun study some papers. She looked up and he felt hope. She had a nice face, a little smile at the corners of her mouth. She was pretty and not real old though Justin thought that might be anywhere from twenty to forty. "So, you're Justin." "Yes, ma'am." "Yes, Sister," she corrected. "Yes, Sister," the child repeated. Another rule to mess up. "It says in your records that you are a good student. Are you?" "Yes, Sister, I like school," Justin answered politely. "That's excellent. We like good students. As long as you behave and study hard, we'll get along fine. Mrs. Scott will be your teacher. Now run along. Mrs. Peterson will show you to your class." "She's nice," Justin said shyly when they were outside. Joan put her finger to her lips to remind him about no talking in the halls. Then she proceeded to ask him questions the whole way. He hoped Nick would answer some questions later because he was really confused. Class was a comfort as it had always been. Justin felt confident in school. As he told Sister Connie, he was a good student, attentive and well-behaved. He had started to relax when Mrs. Scott was called out of the room. As soon as she was gone, they hissed at him. He tried to ignore them, keeping his head down, but the boy behind him punched him hard in the back. At his sharp intake of breath, the boy sneered, "Listen, wimp child, we hate teacher's pets, understand?" Justin nodded because he knew that's what they wanted but he didn't know what they expected from him. He found out the first time he raised his hand and felt a sharp poke. He looked around uncertainly and met gazes filled with anger. He lowered his hand and his head, focusing on his paper. "Justin, did you have your hand up?" "No, ma'am," he answered and saw the satisfied smirk of the boy sitting next to him. Class dragged on from there until finally it was three. Joan was waiting for him again to take him to his after school activity. "I talked to the coach and he said to bring you to the basketball practice." Justin's eyes lit up briefly and then deadened again. It would be the same. No one would want him on the team and they would go out of their way to exclude him. The tears threatened again. "I thought you'd be pleased," Joan said gently. "Thank you," he said in a small voice, barely able to speak beyond the sobs caught in his throat. Joan knelt down and turned him toward her, "Talk to me, Justin." When he remained silent, looking furtively around him, she took his hand and led him to her office. Once inside the door, she said firmly, "Tell me what's happened." He looked at her and the desolation in his beautiful blue eyes tore at her heart. "Everyone hates me," he whispered, "and I don't know why." The tears started slowly and gathered into a steady flow, building from there into heart wrenching sobs. Joan sat and gathered him into her arms for the second time in less than twenty four hours. As she rocked him again, she searched for ways to protect him and finally had to admit to herself that she couldn't. He would have to suffer like the others and come to a place of treaty with the other boys. She could be his safe haven but she couldn't stop the large and small cruelties that were routinely inflicted here. Her only hope was that her positive affirmations of his goodness would outweigh the hateful messages that were so common in this place. She sighed. Early on these lost boys had been told of their badness and they had each internalized it, living up to the reputation or hating themselves for it. Justin was in the latter group but he still wanted the goodness that seemed out of reach. Joan swore that day that she would help him find it, to someday know his own worth. continue menu