STC 13 Like the ocean, St.  Catherine's had its tides.  There were times when it was in and the four boys were thrown onto the beach by large waves and then it was out and the waves lapped at their feet. They were hated objects or they were ignored.  So they got used to the rhythms and tried to predict when the next wave was coming.  They weren't always right and one or the other would end up bruised or bleeding or torn apart emotionally.  But they were grateful for one another and each new incident strengthened their bonds.  They still sought Joan's safety, just not as often, just knowing it was there was enough. Months passed.  They were all good students and had ceased to care what the others thought about their As.  Justin continued to swim and Nick to play basketball, both earning praise from their coaches. Howie and Lance giggled that they were the cheerleaders. Justin and Lance had settled into a non-sexual place for the time being. Lance's sexual feelings were there but so was the guilt, telling him that what he wanted was wrong. Howie and Nick had talked after that night and had fooled around a little, enjoying every moment but not necessarily labeling it as gay.  They kept quiet about it and somehow escaped the scrutiny that the other two endured. The best part was the time spent with Mr. McLean.  Lance had talked Howie and Nick into joining the choir over Justin's objections. Lance's was the only really different voice and Justin had to work hard to compete for AJ's attention.  So he developed his own style to be able to hold his own. One day, as Justin was `crooning' as Lance called it, AJ cocked his head.  He knew that Justin had a future in music and Lance as well. He even thought Nick and Howie might.  So he searched out talent contests that might give them some experience performing.  They were just local things but he wanted Justin especially to catch the bug. He realized Justin only sang to be with Lance and he wanted Justin to know how talented he really was. In early October, he announced that he would help anyone prepare who wanted to enter a contest scheduled for November.  Lance's eyes lit up and he poked Justin who had been looking out the window, watching a pickup game, and not listening at all.  "Ow. What?" Justin reacted. "Did you hear that?" Lance asked.  When he saw the blank look on Justin's face, he sighed.  "Mr.  McLean is willing to help anyone who signs up for the talent contest downtown." "So, are you signing up?" Justin asked. "We.  We are signing up.  Together.  A duet like the first day." Justin frowned.  He didn't want to add anything else to his schedule.  He barely had time to say hello to Joan anymore.  He missed it even though she said it was good that his life was so full. Lance's face fell.  He knew this wasn't really Justin's thing but he couldn't do it alone.  Basses needed another voice to harmonize with.  "Please, Jus." Justin caved as soon as he saw the disappointment.  "Yeah, sure." It was worth it to see the light in Lance's eyes.  "Sign us up." Lance did and Lance picked the song and Lance insisted on practicing and Lance dragged Justin when he didn't want to go to AJ for help and Justin allowed himself to be pulled along because there was nothing he wouldn't do for Lance. The weeks flew by, schoolwork  keeping  St.  Catherine's quieter than usual.  Most of the older boys hated school and struggled to keep their heads above water, knowing the punishment if they didn't, so they didn't have time to devise any tortures for the younger ones. But as the holiday approached, the teachers let up and they weren't so busy.  So it shouldn't have been a surprise when a bunch of them cornered Lance and Justin. The two younger boys waited, apprehension clear in their stance.  "Hi guys, what's new?" Joey began.  The two remained silent, recognizing it for what it was, a chance to hurt them if they answered.  "What, nothing to say?" Justin shook his head, the first to give in to the intimidation.  He was still small and felt overwhelmed by the sheer physical presence of the older boys.  "Hey, Justin, will you kiss me like you kiss Lance?" Kevin smirked. Justin frowned, "I don't..." Kevin crossed to him and squeezed his cheeks together, cutting off any more words. "Didn't Sister Anne say lying is a sin?" Kevin said.  Justin's head moved up and down, still in Kevin's grip.  "So, why are you lying?" He released Justin who whimpered, "I'm not..." Before he could finish the sentence, Kevin had swatted him forcefully and he lost his balance, falling hard to the floor.  He looked up, afraid to move, to give Kevin any more reason to punish him. Lance had stood quietly until Kevin knocked Justin down.  Then he launched himself at the older boy and despite the fact that he was getting taller and heavier, he was easily thrown off.  "Stay out of this, Bass," Kevin growled. "No, he's my friend," Lance replied with a bravado he didn't really feel. Kevin whirled on him then.  "Oh yeah?  So does he kiss you?" Lance shook his head, "He said he..." "He's a fucking fag liar.  I don't care what he said."  The rage in Kevin's voice shocked the two younger boys.  They were too terrified to answer at all, sure that whatever they said would somehow inflame Kevin even more.  Kevin leaned down and easily dragged Justin to his feet by his hair.  Tears, from the pain and terror, filled the child's eyes.  Kevin leaned in and whispered, "Someday Justin we'll come for your pretty little self and we'll find out for ourselves what Lance gets." Joey, who had been leaning against the wall the whole time, pushed himself off and kissed the air, "Bye, Justin, looking forward to tasting you soon.  In fact..." He laughed as he leaned down and kissed the child on the mouth, forcing his tongue in before Justin could react.  "Ummm, yum.  Good choice, Lance." And then they walked away, satisfied that they had inflicted more pain on their victims Justin was shaking, the shock of what had just happened only now registering. He rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand, futilely trying to wipe Joey off his lips. Lance ran over to him, concerned with the look he saw, a look of what he wasn't sure, but it scared him. Justin hugged himself and was breathing hard, as if he had just finished a race. "Justin, are you OK?" Justin bit hard on his lip and just shook his head. He needed to get away, to get to Joan. Without a word, he turned and sprinted away, heading for her office. Lance followed, pretty sure of where they were going. Joan was just locking up when the boys crashed into her. She felt Justin's arms encircle her waist, holding on so tightly it was frightening. His head dug into her ribs as if he could disappear inside her and be safe once and for all. She shrugged a question at Lance who started to say, "Joey..." "No, Lance, don't," was all he said, the words muffled in Joan's coat. "OK, Lance, let me see Justin inside. I'll bring him back a little later. OK?" Lance nodded, tears in his eyes now, hurt that Justin didn't want his help, but relieved that a grown-up would handle it. Joan unlocked the door and got them inside, no easy task since Justin didn't want to let go. She finally had to pry him away. "Justin, just let me take my coat off and sit down." She studied him. He was sitting with his eyes focused on his hands, hands twining nervously in his lap, his feet twitching and all in all, he was scaring Joan. She sat next to him and he buried his head in her lap this time. "Justin, talk to me. What happened?" "I let Joey kiss me," he said in a voice laced with shame. He didn't see Joan's frown. "Tell me how it happened?" And he did although it took her a few tries to get the story straight in her mind. When he was finished she knew that the older boys had come after them again, that Kevin was convinced there was something more than friendship going on between Lance and Justin, that they had threatened Justin with sexual abuse, and that Joey had actually kissed Justin. What wasn't so clear was why Justin was taking the blame for this. She sat him up and looked into his eyes, "Justin, why do you think this is your fault?" "`Cause I'm pretty like Joey says and I let him play with my curls before and I didn't try to stop him from kissing me." "All right, sweetie, let's start with being pretty. People can't help what they look like. Just because you're pretty doesn't mean people are allowed to do whatever they want to you." Justin looked unconvinced as if somehow his prettiness entitled people to touch him, like a doll. Joan sighed. This child was filled with self-destructive messages. She hated the Harlesses even more. She remembered a recent attempt to reconnect with them. She had called to ask if they had rethought their position. When Lynn had said no, Joan questioned her, as calmly as possible, about where the idea that Justin was gay had come from. Unexpectedly, the woman had answered rather than disconnecting as usual. "He is entirely too pretty and sweet and that high voice. It's clear that he is going to be what they call a `flamer', is that the term? Joan had winced at the use of the word and replied, "That's a very derogatory term. I wish you wouldn't refer to Justin that way." Lynn snorted, "I can see our conversation is over. You just reject everything we say." Because it is idiotic, Joan wanted to reply, but she didn't. "I'm sorry if I've offended you. The qualities you mentioned aren't necessarily indicative of a homosexual orientation." "Well, our pastor said they were and Paul just sees red whenever he sees fags anywhere. It probably wouldn't even be safe for Justin to live here."  Joan was shocked. It was as honest as she had ever heard this woman. She seized the opportunity, "Have you ever considered giving up your parental rights and releasing him for adoption?" "Absolutely not. He's my burden until he's eighteen." Joan had sighed, "Well, thank you for your time. If you change your mind, you have my number." "Goodbye and don't expect a call." Justin's voice interrupted her thoughts, "Are you OK?" "Yeah, honey, I'm fine. Just got distracted. Now where were we? Oh yes, pretty." "I hate being pretty," he pouted. "So would I if I thought that meant it was OK for everyone to touch me without my permission. They're not allowed, Justin. You need to know that and believe it." He shrugged and she knew it was beating a dead horse so she moved on. "You said you let Joey touch your curls and kiss you. Justin, Joey is at least a foot taller than you and he weighs lots more. You couldn't have stopped him so don't blame yourself."  The look he gave her said he didn't believe that either. He looked down at his hands and said, "I let Lance play with my curls and sleep with me and... sometimes I want him to kiss me." Joan smiled. "It's not the same, baby. Not at all. You love Lance, don't you?" He nodded solemnly. "We let people we love touch us in different ways from other people. Do you understand that?" "So it's ok if I let Lance touch me?" Joan nodded this time and was happy when his face relaxed and a smile appeared, but just as suddenly a frown took its place. "My mom says that kissing between men is bad.  The bible says so." "Look, Justin," she sighed, "Some people believe that and some people don't.  I don't believe it's bad.  Your parents do.  You'll have to make up your own mind when you get all grown up." He studied her and nodded solemnly.  He felt guilty when he thought about kissing Lance but he felt great when they slept together.  What was different? What was on Joan's mind more than anything else at this moment was the sexual abuse threat to Justin. "Are you worried that Joey and Kevin might make you kiss them again?" The frown deepened and his body gave her the answer. He curled up in a protective gesture. She wasn't sure what to say.  She had been forced long ago to come to terms with the idea that she was relatively powerless over the violence to body and spirit that was routine here.  It was always a coin toss whether the victims were safer if the perpetrators were punished or simply ignored.  Most of the boys learned how to avoid trouble as they matured or became the tormentors themselves. And then there were the Justins.  These were the children with an inborn sweetness that attracts both the good and the bad in this life.  These were the children who never learned to protect themselves, whose hearts were always ready to be broken again, but who had that indefinable something that allowed them to maintain their goodness in the face of everything.  These were the children that you couldn't shield even though you tried every day. What options were there?  Even if Joey and Kevin were to go to juvenile hall, others were standing in line to take their places. Threats rolled off their backs and they lied with innocent faces. Punishment cemented the victim's future as a target and they sat through therapy sessions with sullen faces and long silences.  They had little kindness left to appeal to. It was really depressing.  She'd ask James's help in the morning but what was she going to say to the child sitting in front of her?  She couldn't tell him not to worry, couldn't promise that it would be okay, couldn't do much.  So she chose to take him back to Lance and pray that Kevin and Joey would leave him alone for awhile. She did have one piece of advice.  "Think  mean thoughts, Justin," she said, repeating Nick's advice.  "Don't let them see you're scared." She knew it was wishful thinking on her part that he would be able to do that, but she had nothing else. They walked back to the room together, Justin's body tense even though he knew Joan was there. Lance was waiting and looked from Justin to Joan for a clue on how to deal with this. "Justin will tell you what we talked about, Lance. Be careful, boys. Just be careful." She hugged them both and left, praying that they would be safe. Justin crawled into Lance's arms, seeking the solid strength of the other boy. "Joan said it wasn't okay for Joey to kiss me today." Lance didn't answer, just held him . "But she said it was okay for you to play with my hair and sleep with me `cause I want you to and it's not bad." Lance sighed in relief. The whole time Justin had been gone, he worried that the younger boy would never come near him again. Justin didn't mention the kissing part. Nothing more happened that night or the next day. The older boys knew enough to maintain a low profile while the adults were being vigilant. Joan went to James and got essentially the same answer she had given herself. So they took the obvious steps. Joey and Kevin smirked their way through the lecture and punishment, adding the time spent to Justin's account, knowing that eventually he would be the one to pay. Joan sought out the teachers and monitors who had a soft spot for Justin and warned them to keep an eye out for him. Sister Anne was the one who meted out the punishments and she agreed to make Justin's in a public place where the boys couldn't get at him so easily. But that was it. And the older boys knew it and waited. Justin was a wreck for weeks. He approached corners carefully and sprinted whenever he was alone, preferring punishment from Sister Anne to Kevin and Joey. Lance, Nick, and Howie tried to be there all the time but it was impossible. Justin practiced angry faces in the mirror but he knew the fear was obvious and he gave up pretending that he wasn't terrified.  Every night he sought Lance's comfort and got the courage he needed to face another day. continue menu