Chapter 6 Justin was restless.  The scenes with Lance kept replaying and he knew JC was right.  The street kid always jumped out in front of the real Justin to try and protect him.  He wished it would work with some of the johns but they had this way of shoving the street kid aside and dragging the real Justin out.  That was the one they wanted to hurt. There was a part of him that hoped that Lance would just go away and let him sink back into the hell most of his life had become, but there was a part that wanted what other people had, family and friends and a normal life of going to work. The thoughts were making him crazy.  He flipped through the channels, finding nothing.  He studied Lynn's bookshelves.  He stared at the phone until he realized he didn't know Lance's number.  He got dressed and let himself out, just taking a walk, he told himself. When the wind blew, he knew it was a stupid idea but the fresh air cleared his head and he headed toward the river.  He loved the water.  He thought back to his home town.  There had been a lake where the kids gathered, in all seasons, and he had been a part of that. Sure, he had to hide an essential part of himself from most of them, but they liked the part that he did show and they all laughed and snuck beers and practiced kissing on each other.  He had kissed the girls, he had to, but he knew from way back that he was more interested in dick than tits. His parents had worried about his sexuality but they wouldn't ask. They were afraid of the answer.  So he heard them whispering and wondering and he heard the edge in his father's voice that convinced him not to say anything.  At least not until that last day, when he had hoped his parents would love him anyway. He felt the tears pricking as he thought back to the harsh words that had followed when he tried to call home after arriving in Chicago. It had been his bad luck to get his father on the phone and the words he had used felt like knives. He had tried again a couple of days later and the number had been changed and it was unlisted.  He guessed that message was clear enough.  He had been so lonely here in Chicago.  His job sucked and his boss always *accidentally*  touched him whenever they passed. He put up with it because the guy gave him a room in the back, food and a little cash.  And then there was JC.  He came in so often the boss suggested they charge him rent, but JC spent so the boss didn't care and after a few weeks, JC asked him out. They went to dinner and a movie, JC's treat, and they had fun but when they kissed, they were both disappointed.  There was nothing but friendship there.  They tried again a few times, even going to the blowjob stage, but there were no sparks so they called it quits and remained friends.  Justin knew he couldn't survive without JC. He heard steps behind him and glanced back.  He wasn't near the "corner" so he wasn't afraid, just cautious.  It was a guy but it was too shadowy to make him out, so Justin just speeded up slightly and started to cross the street. Passing traffic gave the guy a chance to catch up and Justin was trapped momentarily between cars.  He heard the whisper and his blood curdled, "Hey, sweet angel, I was wondering if you were ever going to come out again." Justin started to run but the arms that grabbed him back were powerful and they turned him to face his tormentor.  "Where you going?" "Not with you." "Oh no?" The john's eyes glittered in the street light and the lust was there as usual.  He backed Justin onto the hood of the car behind them, his back arching painfully as the heavier man's body pressed his down.  His arms were stretched above his head and he knew the real Justin was going to lose again. "Fuck off and leave me alone," Justin said through clenched teeth. "Or what?" the john sneered. "I'll scream, attract somebody's attention." "Ooh, good idea.  Now let me see— who is the hooker and who is the passerby?" The fight went out as usual and the john felt it. "Aw, poor baby, lose again?" He didn't move off of Justin, just ground his hips against him and Justin felt the hard cock rubbing mercilessly into his groin. "You're in luck, pretty boy. I don't have all night. I want you to blow me and then I'm outta here. So let's go." He gripped Justin's wrist and dragged him into a nearby alley. Justin knelt down, idly thinking about how dirty the knees of his pants would be, and unzipped the john. His erection sprang free. "Make it quick, sweetie." Justin took it in and began to suck, using the hand that was free to hold it at the base. The man gripped Justin's wrist with one hand and grabbed his curls with the other, fucking Justin's mouth, and moaning as he came closer. Finally, he exploded and Justin took it all. "You are so hot, kid," he said, releasing Justin and zipping up. He reached into his pocket and threw a twenty in Justin's direction as he sauntered away, throwing back over his shoulder, "Thanks. See you again." Justin stared at the bill as it fluttered to the ground. He wanted to leave it there but money was money and he scooped it up with one hand and rubbed at his mouth with the other. He stood slowly and shivered. He needed to see JC and prayed he would be there. As he closed in on the corner, he scanned the group of boys and men waiting for business. JC was among them and Justin breathed a sigh of relief. He sidled over to JC and whispered in his ear, "I need to talk to you." JC looked surprised and turned quickly, "What the hell?" "You. I want you," they heard a deep voice say. Neither of them responded until Justin felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder. "Did you hear me, kid? You." Justin turned just as JC said, "He's not working tonight." Justin was still dazed and stood silently staring at the john. "He's here, isn't he? I've had him other times. What the fuck....?" "Take me," JC said, "I'll be with you in a minute." "Him," the man said and the look in his eyes was threatening. Justin faced him. "Fine. Let's go." The grin was scary but Justin couldn't remember this man so maybe it wouldn't be bad. What the hell? This was his job. Fuck Lance. Fuck modeling. Fuck JC. JC reached out to pull Justin back, but Justin shrugged off his hand, already negotiating with the john, "I ...uh...don't have a room tonight." "Yeah, well, I ain't providing one. What about that dump we were in last time?" Justin nodded and started off to the hotel they all used, the one that rented by the hour. As they walked, the short, pudgy man kept up a steady patter about how beautiful Justin was and he loved to fuck guys that beautiful. Justin didn't respond. He had heard it all before and was just worried about what this guy would do. He hoped he would come out of the night with no new bruises but there were no guarantees. When they reached the hotel, he took out the twenty and put it on the counter. Jerry looked at the bruises on Justin's face and shook his head. He liked Justin and hoped this guy wasn't going to add to them. He looked like Casper Milquetoast but those were the dangerous ones. Justin was thinking the same thing. The guys who ate shit all day and again all night at home, were the ones who liked to inflict pain the most. He hoped that maybe this guy wasn't like that. He unlocked the door and let the man enter. They faced one another. The john's face was changing as he recognized the power he had over Justin. Justin forced himself to maintain eye contact. "Strip." Justin took off all of his clothes and threw them on the chair.  He saw the expression when the john saw the carving and the bruises.  It was a light that scared Justin.  The street kid took over. He stood and stretched, allowing the john to take in his raw sexuality.  "So now what?  Looking costs the same as fucking." The little man swallowed hard, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.  Justin could read his thoughts.  Like a kid in a candy store, he was contemplating what he wanted from Justin.  "Come here and undress me," he whispered. Justin hesitated for a fraction of a second, long enough for the little john to notice.  "Get over here, you slut." Justin moved to him and started to undo the buttons, noticing the frayed collar and the dirty cuffs. He slipped the shirt off his shoulders and sniffed in distaste at the smell of old sweat, hoping that the little guy wouldn't see it.  He had a wifebeater on, the rolls of flab accentuated by the thin material. Justin kissed his shoulders, forcing his lips to obey, to taste the wet, salty perspiration that created a sheen on the guy's out of shape body.  He moved down to the belt and knelt, knowing that this would turn the man on, undoing his belt and button, slowly sliding the zipper down. The john kicked off his shoes and stepped out of the pants now pooled at his ankles.  Justin stared at the tattered boxers, faded from too many washings and then yanked them down over the hard cock, the john yipping in pain and smacking Justin in the head to remind him who was in charge. "Beg me to do you, baby," the man ordered and Justin obeyed, the words coming out in a tumble of fake desire, the words he would mean if Lance were standing here.  The john grabbed his curls and forced his head back. "How much do you want me, baby?" "Oh please, I want you so bad.  You are so freakin' hot, I'm gonna cum right here if you don't do me." The john's eyes were closed in pleasure, Justin's high sweet voice rolling out the words with silky smoothness, so he missed the deadness in Justin's eyes. It was always like this, Justin thought.  These were the guys who couldn't get anyone, never mind the hot gay boys.  Having Justin beg was a fantasy come true but now was the moment of truth, the moment when it could go either way.  Some just continued the fantasy and fucked Justin and paid him off.  But most remembered that the boys like Justin didn't pick the boys like them and they grew angry and started to pay Justin back for all the years of torment. Justin waited.  This was the flip of the coin.  If this john hurt him, then the modeling and Lance were history.  If not, maybe it was meant to be. "Do you have the condoms?" the little man questioned and Justin had some hope.  He nodded and fished one out of his pocket.  "OK, lie down." Justin did and watched the man roll the condom onto himself.  The guy was average so the lack of lube might not be so bad.  He straddled Justin and started in.  He was a thoroughly inept lover and Justin wondered what his wife was like and thought maybe she gave him money to hire himself a hooker. Justin lay underneath him, faking desire, moaning in all the right places and thinking of Lance so that he could get off and let the little man think he was a super stud.  When it was over, Justin lay still, feeling the now limp dick slip out and letting the john crawl out over him. He waited for instructions and was relieved when the guy told him to get dressed.  They did it backs to one another, the john no longer wanting the contact.  So Justin opened the door when they were both ready and picked up the cash that the guy had counted out when they first came in. They parted outside and as he walked back to the corner, he could see JC looking for him.  He ran over as soon as he saw Justin and turned him back the way he had come.  "What the hell were you thinking about, coming here?" "I'm a hooker." "What the fuck is that shit?  Yeah, so what?" For the first time, Justin faltered, "That guy....the one from the other night......he followed me when I went out for a walk.  I wasn't anywhere near the corner." "Oh shit," JC breathed. "He knew where I was, he waited for me.  What if he does that when Lance....." Justin cried. "What did he do?" "He just wanted a blow job.  That's not the point.  People, men, johns, know us!  They're not gonna forget because we're dressed in designer clothes." "Jesus, Justin, you are driving me nuts.  So the fuck what?  So they know us.  It's not like in the Hilton lobby they're gonna announce that they've fucked a boy.  And what the hell are you doing out here?  That john could have hurt you, put new bruises there and then what?" Justin shut down.  He never pulled the street kid on JC.  He just withdrew and got quiet.  JC was used to it and lowered his voice, "Justin, give yourself a chance.  Give both of us a chance. Go back to Lynn's and stay there, please?" Justin nodded and JC called out to the others, "I'll be back in five." Justin stayed silent the whole time and JC worried that he would come back out as soon as JC was gone but he didn't want to hammer him any more so he walked next to him without a word. At Lynn's, he turned and faced Justin.  "You deserve better, baby.  Don't destroy yourself." Upstairs, Justin threw himself down and closed his eyes, but the smell of the john was on him and he went to shower, scrubbing himself until he was raw.  As he toweled off, he looked down and read the word— upside down like him— WHORE. He sat on the sofa and tried to remember how this had happened.  It seemed like a nightmare that he had stepped into and just couldn't find the door again.  When?  He had lost the job at the deli when he refused to fuck his boss one night after they had closed. Kevin had come up behind him and dropped his hand onto Justin's ass, rubbing over his bony backside.  "Not much meat," he began, conversationally. Justin said nothing just moved away a step or two, hoping it would end there.  Kevin had been getting more and more blatant.  "Great curls.  Anywhere else?" he asked with a sly smirk. Justin cringed at the remark and asked, "What else do you want me to do tonight?" When he looked at Kevin, he regretted his phrasing. "You *know* what I want, Justin," Kevin said and the lust was apparent.  He closed the gap between them and forced a kiss on Justin, his hand gripping the curls painfully. Justin finally got his hands between them and pushed Kevin hard, brushing his mouth with the back of his hand once they were facing one another.  Kevin was enraged. "You know what I want.  Either I get it or you get out," he said. "I'm out of here," Justin replied, more bravely than he felt.  He walked out then, leaving everything behind and when he went back the next day, Kevin had sneered and told him they had gone into the garbage where he belonged. From then, it had been one job after another like that.  One night on his last job, he had gotten drunk or high or something that made him lose it, and he had let the boss fuck him.  The next day though when the guy winked at him all day, Justin knew he couldn't stay and he sought out JC. He knew what JC did and he asked if he could join them on the corner.  JC had gaped at him but said yes and that night, Justin got paid for his body for the first time.  He hated it but he liked to eat and he liked to sleep indoors and he kept that in mind every time a john pointed to him and said, "You.  How much?" He learned from the others but it wasn't long before the word got out about the gorgeous kid with the sweet face and the sadists arrived, swarming around him like bees to honey.  The first time, he was shocked and was paralyzed into inaction when the john brought out the rope. "New to this, babe?" the john asked with a malicious grin. Justin simply nodded and stripped when the john indicated for him to lose the clothes.  He found out that night that other people's pain turns some guys on and his pain was certainly doing it for the guy. He walked out cut up and bruised and couldn't work for a few nights. He discovered that it was better if the sadists didn't see old bruises because they immediately wanted to improve on them.  So it was safer to heal between bouts.  Occasionally, he would come upon the sensitive type, who would cry over his marks, bathing them with tears, and then hurting him in some other way. Justin couldn't understand how he was still so vulnerable.  It didn't make sense.  By now, everything good should have been buried. Instead, he continued to hurt. That thought brought Lance to mind.  What if they got together some day?  He leaned back and daydreamed about making love to that boy. He saw himself standing outside of Lance's apartment, waiting with flowers and wine, dressed in a blue turtleneck that he knew he looked good in. He would be nervous and shy.  They had been dating for awhile but tonight they were going to have a quiet dinner and then....he was frightened.  So many men before this one but this one meant something and Justin was terrified. Lance would open the door and that slow smile that invited kisses would be there— for Justin.  He would draw his boy into the apartment and into his arms and they would kiss and touch as if it had been forever and not a day. Then Lance would draw back, the sensible one, the chef, who would remind Justin that he had been working hard on this meal and they weren't going to waste it, even though the look in his eyes said that Justin was tastier than anything in the kitchen. It would be perfect, a Martha Stewart wannabe.  And they would talk and fill each other in and Justin would forget for a few minutes what he had done for a living until recently.  Then he would study Lance's face, looking for any sign that he was thinking about Justin's days as a hooker and all he would see was the love that Lance had for him. "What's for dessert?" Justin would ask. "You," Lance would reply, standing and holding out his hand, pulling Justin to his feet and toward the bedroom. When they were facing one another, Lance would look earnestly into Justin's frightened eyes and tell him he loved him.  And Justin would bite his lip and say, "Even though...." "Even though..."Lance would whisper and kiss Justin, his tongue searching and tasting, his breath coming faster, until neither was able to stand any longer.  But before they could fall onto the bed, they would pull apart and begin to undress each other, at first slowly and ending with a frenzied pulling away of any clothing that remained between them. Lance searched Justin's face.  "Yes?  Tonight?" Justin nodded, fighting the fear that Lance would hate him later, that he would remember how used he was and that this fantasy would all end tonight. Somewhere along the line Justin fell asleep and continued the dream. They were in bed and Justin was on his back, staring up at Lance, begging him to hurry.  His nipples were hard nubs, red from the nibbles and sucks that Lance had been giving them.  Lance moved down his body, anxious to take Justin into his mouth and Justin grunted, "No time." So Lance entered him, using a condom and lube, thoughtfully waiting for Justin to adjust.  Tears came to Justin's eyes as he realized no one had ever done that for him before.  And then he started, a slow sensual rhythm that was driving Justin wild.  "More.  Harder." Lance responded driving himself in and pulling out smoothly, Justin's orgasm and his own imminent. "Justin, Justin, wake up." He squeezed his eyes shut.  Oh please, let it finish, but before that happened, there was a hand on his shoulder, shaking him and calling his name.  He sighed and opened his eyes, rubbing his face.  "Shit, boy, you gotta cover up before Lynn comes home." He closed his eyes again."What?  Leave me alone.  I was having a great dream." "I can tell.  Now get up and go somewhere private." Justin's eyes snapped open as he realized that his throbbing erection was obvious, the towel open. He blushed and thanked whoever it was that answered prayers that it was JC and not Lynn who found him. He shoved off the sofa and made it to the bathroom, finishing it off in there.  When he came back out, JC was grinning and waggling his eyebrows, "Who was the lucky man?" "Lance," Justin said, a wistfulness in his voice, "as if." "Why not?  He's hot for you." "I want love not just sex.  And to get that, you gotta let somebody know you and ...." "Time, Justin, give yourself and him time.  You just met.  Just keep Streetboy under wraps.  Now scrunch up.  We're going to sleep." continue menu