Chapter 2 Justin couldn’t will the pain away. It had hurt so bad when that guy Lance had looked at him as if he were scum. I haven’t always been like this, he whispered to himself. He remembered home, well-kept suburban houses, cookie cutter predictability but safe, people who loved you and cared about you. Friends who picked you up for class at the local junior college and ate lunch with you and shot hoops. Friends who didn’t know who you really were. Until that day when your ex-boyfriend wanted to get even and announced to the whole student union that you were gay. The gasps and the murmurs and the ugly looks drove you out. It hadn’t surprised you. What did surprise you was the small angry crowd that surrounded you and beat the crap out of you, You had dragged home that day and when your mom saw you, you blurted out that you were gay and instead of bathing your cuts and kissing your bruises, she had told you that you deserved it, that homosexuality was a sin. She didn’t follow you up to your room and at dinner there was silence until your father said that if you were gay, you would have to leave the house and he was sure that one of your *boyfriends* would take you in. There hadn’t been any boyfriends and so you left town and headed to Chicago, where you knew there were other gay boys and you could get lost. That had been almost a year ago and you hadn’t been able to keep a job without having to give it up to the boss and at that point, you still had a little self-respect left. But self-respect doesn’t pay for food or a room or a coat and you traded your beauty for cash. Lately, you avoided washing, hoping that the men who trawled the streets would not be likely to pick you with the street grime clinging, and sometimes you just didn’t want to be picked.. Except for the john early last week, the one that invited you into the car with sweet words and a handful of bills. You knew his reputation, but you needed the money. He had taken you to the Palmer House Hilton and hurried you through the elegant lobby. In the elevator, he told you to keep your head down and then he had shoved you quickly into his room. He had you strip and pointed to the bathroom, on the phone to the laundry as you headed to the shower. It had felt great and he hadn’t even come in , just let you luxuriate in the hot water and sweet smelling European soap. His voice from the other room told you to leave the towel in the bathroom, so you had dried and tried to untangle your curls and gone out to the other room. Your heart sank when you saw the bed. There were ropes tied to every bedpost, just waiting for you. You briefly thought about leaving, but your clothes were missing and you needed the cash so you laid down on the bed and let him tie you, so tightly that you knew there would be raw skin for days. You saw the blindfold coming and you said no in a whisper. You knew that meant he would hurt you in some way that he didn’t want you to see, the pain a shock. So he put the silk around your face and darkness took over and fear as you anticipated what he would do next. And it was as awful as you had feared it would be. He enjoyed your whimpering, the little begging sounds that you made when he cut you, when he teased your dick and wouldn’t let you come. He never did let you release and the pain in your balls was unbearable and you could hear the smile in his voice as he taunted you. He fucked your mouth and he hit you with his fists, and he slapped you and rocked your head. and he yelled obscenities and he said cruel things that made you cry. In the end, he left you exhausted from the pain and no amount of begging made him untie you. So you lay all night with your limbs stretched unnaturally, until you couldn’t feel them anymore, listening for his movement, trying to guess what he was doing. When you felt him rub the cum in your hair and on your face, you knew what he had done. In the morning, you couldn’t move when he finally undid the knots and he was rough as he threw you in the shower again, this time coming with you and touching you everywhere, mocking your tears that mixed with the water. He made you stroke yourself to orgasm, the pain and pleasure in equal parts. As you stumbled into the other room, you prayed to the God that no longer loved you to please let this be over soon. And he turned a disgusted face to you and told you to get dressed and there were your clothes, clean and pressed, a pile of bills next to them and as you left, you wondered if any one knew how hard it was to do this to live. Today the train pulled into another station and Justin barely made out the sign, sighing as he realized it was time to get out, to face the bitter wind. The money hadn’t gone far enough for a coat. He owed people and then there were the one or two that pressed him into a corner and demanded something just for not killing him. Next time for the coat, he thought, heading for the nearest church, hoping they would have a clothes giveaway that day. They didn’t but the church was open and at least warmer than the streets and it was too early for any johns, so he dozed here and hoped the sexton wouldn’t call the cops. He drifted into a restless sleep, Lance’s face as he paid off the debt, floating in front of him. He dreamt they were friends and that they were equals, that Justin had a real job and a real place to live and his life wasn’t so fucked up that Lance wouldn’t even want to be with him. Lance couldn’t erase the memory of Justin either. The pain that he had gotten a glimpse of, haunted him, and he kicked himself for letting his embarrassment prevent him from getting to know Justin. Now he was gone and he had no idea where to find him. “Earth to Lance,” he heard, uttered sharply a few inches from his ear. He nearly toppled over in his chair, the two front legs coming down with a bang. He looked up into the angry eyes of his boss. He had been daydreaming about his encounter this morning instead of brainstorming a new ad campaign and it was obvious that she knew his mind had been elsewhere. “Look, we have to come up with an original idea by tomorrow afternoon. They will be here at three for the preliminary ideas. We have nada.” “Their clothes aren’t original,” Lance drawled. “Hello??? And your point is?” “You’re right. There is no point. Look, Jenna, I met this guy,” he started and stopped as Jenna rolled her eyes. “No, not like that.” It wasn’t a secret that he was gay but he didn’t advertise or fuck where he ate either. “He is amazing looking. We could center the ads around him, have every girl drooling and every guy buying the damned clothes in the hope that they would look like him.” “You mean imitate A&F?” she said scornfully. “Sort of,” he admitted, “but this kid is an angel, incredibly beautiful, and we keep his clothes on, keep ‘em guessing.” He knew she was hooked as he saw her mind start to plan out the different layouts. “So where did you meet him? Vogue Fashion Awards?” “Um, no, actually, on the El.” She squinted with suspicion. “Is he professional?” she asked. Lance thought, not like you think, but he answered, “No, he isn’t. That’s the great part about the idea— a natural, unspoiled beauty.” He crossed his fingers, hoping she wouldn’t pursue a lot of questions before she met him. Lance knew he could sell her if she could just *see* Justin. “Can you get him here this afternoon?” “Ummm, no, I don’t actually have an address or phone number.” “Great. Got a plan B there, pal?” “Jenna, give me two days off. You sell the plan to them and I’ll find him, I swear.” “In Chicago,” she said doubtfully. “Two days.” “Okay, two days and then we go with Tom Summers. He’s not nationally known and...” “I swear. I’ll find Justin.” “Great name,” she said as he grinned and flew out, swinging on his jacket as he left. Justin shifted in his sleep as he felt the body press up against his, but his eyes flew open and he was wide awake when someone grabbed his crotch and squeezed hard, forcing a hiss from him. He slapped the hand away and heard the low chuckle, “Ready to go again, baby?” He turned in the seat and found himself staring at the john from last week. Shit, no. He remained silent and the smile faded, “Too good for me? Doesn’t look like you took a bath since the last one with me.” Justin was biting down hard on his lip, unable to speak. The john took it the wrong way. “You fucking little whore. Let’s go.” “No,” Justin forced out and the man hesitated momentarily. “No? No? Fucking get real. C’mon” “No,” Justin repeated. “Okay, I’ll just call the cops and tell them you propositioned me here in church while I was on my knees praying,” he replied, taking out his cell phone and flipping it open. He flashed Justin an evil grin, “Then you’ll have to *give* it away in jail, pretty boy.” He closed the phone when he saw Justin’s shoulders droop and his face crumple. Justin followed him into the car, feeling the lust coming off the man in shimmering waves, and he shuddered. As they walked through the lobby again, Justin idly wondered if anyone recognized him. Lance headed home, determined to come up with a plan for finding Justin. As he rode the train, he mused that he hadn’t thought about AJ all morning. He still felt the hurt, the pain that said he was not good enough, not exciting enough, and that it was okay to fuck around on him. But he was also excited at the prospect of finding Justin. He prayed Joey was home. His best friend worked at a bar and usually was there until 2PM. He heaved a sigh of relief when Joey poked his head out of the kitchen, frowning. “What the hell are you doing home at this hour?” “Important mission. I have to find someone,” Lance grinned. Joey cocked his head and studied Lance. Since Saturday the guy had been moping around, not eating, asking them constantly what he had done wrong. “You did nothing wrong, dude, except hook up with an asshole. May I say your taste in men is questionable.” Lance had flopped down and sighed. “Why do I keep picking guys like that?” Joey asked seriously, “You want to know?” Lance nodded and Joey continued, “You know Chris? That psych prof from State? Well, he says it’s your self-esteem. You don’t think you deserve anyone better.” Lance frowned, “Duh. That’s a newsflash. So what do I do?” “Let me pick ‘em for you,” Joey said. When Lance looked dubious, Joey said, “No kidding. Let me meet the guy first and I’ll give you the skinny on the vibes.” Lance rolled his eyes and snorted. It wasn’t like he could do any better. After all, he never got the feelings that Joey got. He changed the subject, “I met someone on the El this morning.” “So when do I meet him?” Joey asked. “When I can find him again. I didn’t find out anything but his first name.” “Hello??? Are you an idiot?” Lance sighed, “It’s a little complicated.” Joey sniffed the air, “Well, come in here and tell me all about it while I cook. Want some?” Lance filled him in and brought him to the present. “Great story. What’s the truth?” “That’s it. He’s a street boy, a hooker.” Joey laughed, “Well shit, even *you* must have more self-esteem than him.” “It’s not about dating him. Haven’t you been listening?” “Yeah, I’ve been listening. Have you?” “What the fuck does that mean?” “You are already falling for this boy. See, this is your problem, Lance. You can’t be honest with yourself.” Lance fell back in his chair, a totally stunned expression on his face. Joey laughed and turned back to the stove. Lance thought about what Joey had said. It was true. He tried to hide his feelings even from himself. If he hadn’t, he would have dumped all of his previous boyfriends long before they dumped him. It wasn’t like none of them had given clues. It was pretty obvious all down the line. Take AJ, for example. They had spent every free moment together at first and then gradually they had slept together two nights at most and gone clubbing one or two nights a week. Lance knew when he was home alone it had been doing laundry or paying bills or watching tv. What AJ did when Lance wasn’t around had been a mystery, a mystery Lance chose to ignore until the night in the men’s room. And as long as he was being honest, when Justin fell into that seat, Lance had fallen for him, dirt and all. The air of vulnerability that peeked out from under his arrogant mask, had already stolen Lance’s heart. Joey put two plates down on the table and sat, grinning across the table. “See, not so dumb, eh?” “Great. So help me find him and then we’ll deal with my shit.” “Sure. Where did he get on?” “Wabash. But I can’t ride the freakin’ el for the next two days, hoping he’ll be chased onto a train again. Think. Where do the gay hookers hang?” Joey laughed, “*You’re* asking *me*?” “You can find out. You don’t just have conservative Gap friends. Call someone. What about that guy Chris? Would he know?” “Are you telling me you don’t know?” “I’m too fucking southern boy to go out looking. Clubs only and believe me, Justin wouldn’t get into a club.” Joey leaned back and grabbed the phone, punching in numbers. “Hey man, what’s up?” “Listen, I need a favor. Where do the gay hookers hang?” He listened and laughed, “No, that is not why I asked you. You just seem to know more about that segment of society than most of us.” A pause. “Long story. Come for a drink tonight and I’ll fill you in. Okay?” Another second. “Later” “All right. He says by the old Bijou Theater on the east side. It’s a run down area so don’t go by yourself after dark. Listen, man, if you can wait till tomorrow, I’ll go with you but I can’t duck out today. I’m the only one on tonight.” Lance bit his lip. “Thanks, but I need to try today. Maybe if I go there this afternoon, someone will know him.” Justin didn’t even ask, just stripped and headed to the bathroom, wondering how long he could stay in there before he was dragged out. He got his answer when he heard a shout, demanding that he get his skanky ass out into the bedroom. He dried off quickly and uttered a fervent prayer that the guy hadn’t come up with anything worse. He sucked in his breath when he saw what was laid out on the bed. Lots of black leather and toys, most of which he recognized, useful for their ability to inflict pain. Hours later, Lance was still wandering. No, no one had seen Justin since earlier in the day. They thought maybe he had gone to find some place warm. Maybe JC would know but he wasn’t around either. As the sky grew dark, Lance sighed and gave up, swearing he would be back early tomorrow, hoping that he would be luckier the next time. As he walked away, he heard the whispered offers, so similar to Justin’s and he felt incredibly sad. He found Joey and sat morosely at the bar, eating the fruit, and praying that Justin was okay. It was another long night and somewhere in the middle Justin left, his mind fleeing his body, the pain calling him back frequently until he passed out. He came to in such an unnatural position that he couldn’t imagine how the john had managed it. His eyelids fluttered beneath the blindfold and he sighed at the darkness. He heard the rustle of clothing and then there was a weight on the bed. He wanted to move away but he couldn’t and then there was a warm hand brushing his curls back gently. Justin was confused by the soft voice. “Damn, you are gorgeous. I want to keep you, baby. I could set you up here, a nice warm place for the winter, food three times a day. It could be all right.” Tears leaked through the silk. And all I have to do is suffer every minute of every day so you can get off, Justin thought. If he got out of here today, he would never come back. He would take his chances with the police. The if was what frightened him. “Please, let me go,” he cried softly. “I want to, sweetie, but you are so beguiling, like an angel. You’re irresistible,” he said and brushed his lips on Justin’s. Justin tried to control the shudder, knowing that the john would be enraged but he couldn’t and without seeing his face, Justin tensed for a blow. It came so powerfully that he arched against the restraints and his shoulder dislocated with a loud pop. The scream was muffled quickly but not before someone heard it and notified the desk. The john, suspecting that it wouldn’t be long before they had company, loosened everything and dumped Justin into the tub with instructions to shower. Justin could barely stand and his left arm hung uselessly, the pain brilliant. He washed himself, looking at the cuts and the welts and spilling pointless tears. He did the best he could and then tried to pop the shoulder back into place with no success. The door banged open and the older man stormed in. “You are a fucking pain in the ass and the sooner you’re gone, the better off I’ll be.” Justin silently thanked the universe that this was one of those hotels where screams were reported, not like most of the places where he took his tricks. Justin held his arm gingerly and backed away when he saw the look that said, you are leaving here with that damn arm back in place. “Come here, now,” came the sharp order. He handed Justin a towel to yell into and then reached across the open space and yanked hard, a satisfying snap at the end. “Now get dressed and get the fuck out of here.” Justin saw that the pile of bills was smaller and when he noticed Justin staring, he grunted, “I took some back. For the trouble you caused.” Justin wondered how much longer life would seem worth living. continue menu |