Learning to Love Again

He was staring into the mirror, the fiftieth time since he had gotten
home and started to get ready.
He wasn't sure he recognized himself anymore.  His hair was no longer
gelled into the familiar blond spikes and he had lost too much
weight.  But the trademark green eyes were the same, only the sadness
marking him as different.

He stuck a small piece of tissue on the spot where he had cut himself
with the razor and made a mental note to buy an electric shaver for
just these occasions.  Then he laughed out loud, an unhappy sound, as
he wondered just how many of these occasions there would be.

Debbie and Charlie were coming over, insisting on dragging him out
with them, and they said they might bring someone.  He debated
turning out all the lights and pretending that he wasn't there but
they were his closest friends and he knew they were just worried.

When he looked at his reflection for the fifty-first time, he shook
his head and forced himself to sit down to wait.  He had gotten used
to this.  The silence, the shadows, the swirl of memories and
thoughts of Justin that filled his head every free moment.  He hadn't
gotten used to dating or even meeting.

He drifted back to their first meeting, a gay bar on the lower west
side.  He hated places like that, but he had spent too many nights
alone, his life reduced to work, eat, and sleep.  So he found himself
perched on a stool, nursing a Jack and water, the burnt wood smell
reminding him of his Mississippi roots, staring into the brown liquid.

"Doubt you'll find what you're looking for in there," he heard at his
elbow, a slight giggle in the high pitched voice.

"How do you know what I'm looking..." he said as he turned to the
stranger but the words died when he saw the boy.  He knew he was
staring but he couldn't help it.  This boy was beautiful.  Blond
curls, blue eyes, and skipping down, a body to die for.  The best
part was he seemed to like what he saw ,too, because he was still
smiling and had his hand stuck out.

"Justin, Justin Timberlake."

"Lance, Lance Bass."

They seemed to be stumped for conversation then so Justin laughed and
said, "OK, I'll bite.  What's a nice boy like you doing in a ...."
Lance laughed out loud, his low bass rumbling through him and he
could see the appreciative grin forming on Justin's face.

Talking to himself in a loud whisper meant for Lance, Justin
said, "OK, he seems to like what he sees, he laughs at my jokes and
he sure doesn't talk a lot.  This could be good."

Lance joined in, "This guy is *hot*.  Good sense of humor and he's
talking to me when he's not talking to himself.  Positive signs."

Much later in their relationship, they both had confessed to love at
first sight.  A corny concept, but they were both romantics and it
fit how they saw their being together, an act of fate.

But the honeymoon dies and reality takes its place and they never
seemed able to grow into that stage.  The sex was still there and
they never stopped responding to one another's touches but it became
less lovemaking and more mutual getting off.

The connection frayed little by little, as they both got more
involved with people, places, and things outside of their
relationship.  Lance was a lawyer and a high pressure one at that.
Long hours and long periods with no vacation took its toll on Justin
who sought escape in his own career and his own friends.  JC always
seemed to be around at the end, but Lance was too busy or too much in
denial to connect the dots.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise when the whole thing ended with
a whimper and not a bang.  TS Eliot was right, Lance thought.

The doorbell rang and Lance went to get it, glancing at his watch and
wondering when he could politely excuse himself and come home, to
hide out.  Deb cocked her head as she breezed past him, a quick peck
on the cheek, "You losing more weight, cause I gotta say you're going
past the buff look into anorexia and it ain't that hot looking."

"Good to see you, too," Lance said, smiling at the outspoken wife of
his oldest friend.

Charlie shook his hand, frowning, "She's right, man, you eating at
all?"

Lance was distracted.  No one else was there and he was surprised at
the twinge of disappointment he felt.  Now he was sure the rest of
the evening would be spent with Justin in his head.

"Hello, earth to Lance?"

"What?  Yeah, I'm eating," he said, omitting the fact that it was
one, at the most, two meals a day.  "Where's the guy you said you
might be bringing?"

"He couldn't make it for dinner so I told him to get there for
dessert and coffee." Charlie grinned, "Do I hear a note of
disappointment from the abstinent monk you've become?"

Lance snorted, "`Abstinent monk'?"

"What do you call it?  You're back to work, eat, and sleep, just like
before Justin.  Only this time you seem to be leaving out the eating
part."

"I think this is where we started.  Want a drink or just head out?"

"Head out," Debbie said.  "Charlie's springing for that new little
café in Soho and we had to promise our first born in exchange for a
reservation.

The walk over was pleasant but quiet, the crowds too much to carry on
a three way conversation. So Lance drifted off again, back to the
months following the break-up.  He knew from Justin that he was
seeing JC and he had been surprised at how much it hurt.  He hadn't
thought there was anything left when they finally ended it but he was
wrong.

The apartment was too empty, the bed way too big, the loss of the
person who cared what was going on in his life just too much.  But he
didn't have to put up with Justin's messiness or his propensity for
losing everything or his grumpiness in the morning.  It took two
months before he almost had himself convinced that it was all good
and had stored the loneliness in a distant part of his heart.

Then he saw them, at some outdoor café in the village, laughing and
holding hands.  He had felt himself blanch and fight the nausea that
threatened vomit at any moment.  The one thing he was grateful for
was that they were staring at each other so intently, they never saw
him and he turned abruptly and was able to get away without
acknowledging them at all.

He was never able to shut the feelings away after that.  Initially he
tried to distract himself with work and bars, but nothing helped.
Justin was in his head 24/7 and he couldn't get rid of him.  He
pushed the thoughts away and lied to himself and said that it was all
ridiculous but when he closed his eyes, Justin was there.

His thoughts were interrupted when he ran into Charlie's back.  "I
can see you're with us, pal," Charlie teased. "We're here."

Lance took in the trendy restaurant, grimly thinking that it could be
dog food that they served for all he cared.  But he pasted a smile on
his face and followed them to the table.  The menu was trendy as well
and Lance ordered what he hoped would be the smallest portion, not
wanting to explain why he couldn't force down more food.

The three caught up on their lives, Charlie and Deb doing most of the
talking since work was all Lance had to talk about.  After he had
pushed the food around on his pate for the third time, Debbie fixed
him with a baleful look.

"The food doesn't disappear unless you put it in your mouth or throw
it under the table and at these prices, if you throw it under the
table, I will cheerfully strangle you."

Lance had to laugh.  He put down his fork and admitted, "Sorry, I'm
just not hungry.  They can wrap it for you.  OK?"

"It's been nearly six months, babe," she said softly.  "You gotta let
him go."

"How?" he asked in a voice laced with pain.  He motioned to the
waiter and asked for another drink.

"Well, not like that.  Maybe talking about the whole thing with
someone besides Lance.  He ain't giving such great advice."

He knew she was right.  The other day he had finally gone to the EAP
to ask for a referral to a therapist.  He had never imagined needing
to pour his heart out to a stranger but he knew that he was going
down a slippery slope.

"Actually, I made an appointment with someone for Monday.  Happy?"

"No" When Lance looked surprised she continued.  "I mean yes but talk
to us.  Now."

"What can I say, guys?  I fucked up.  I let the best thing in my life
slip away.  I put everything in front of Justin and I lost him.  I
actually thought I could live with that until I saw him with JC.
They were so into each other.  The way we used to be."

He surprised himself at the way the words tumbled out and there
seemed to be more coming.  "What the hell was I thinking?  He never
asked though so I thought it was OK.  Then I noticed how sad and
withdrawn he started to be at home, so different from the public
guy.  I passed it off to ...who knows...I basically ignored it
because it was easier for me that way and as long as Justin was
taking care of my needs...."

"It wasn't all you, Lance. It takes two to make a relationship and
two to let it slip away. Justin has some responsibility in this,
too," Deb said, trying to comfort him, trying to stop the punishment.

"Whatever," he sighed, feeling tears coming, Justin's emotional
legacy to him.

When they had first dated, Lance was shocked at how affectionate and
emotional the younger man was, but eventually, he was able to enjoy
it and move in that direction, although he was never one to wear his
heart on his sleeve.  Except for now, he thought, when everyone who
knows you can see how much pain you're in.

Lance needed desperately to stop talking about this before he burst
into tears and ran off to the john like some teen-aged girl. "So
who's the guy? Anyone I know?"

Deb and Charlie exchanged glances and Lance groaned, "Oh no, one of
those losers from your job, Charlie?  Haven't I told you engineers
and I don't get along?  We fight in the morning about how the fucking
cap on the toothpaste goes on.

"Relax, man, he's not from my job. Deb knows him. He's been around
the studio." Lance rolled his eyes. Deb managed a recording studio
and met nothing but music types, a Justin type. Not what he needed.

"Cut it out," Deb ordered. "You'll love him. Just your type. And good-
looking, so stop whining. Besides any date is better than your right
hand. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that's been your only
real date since Justin moved out."

Lance blushed a deep red. She sometimes was a little *too* direct.
Everyone laughed and they moved on to general topics that were safe.
By the time dessert rolled around, Lance had relaxed just a bit and
sat with his back to the door, stirring his coffee and listening to
some joke that Charlie was telling about lawyers.

He sat up a little straighter when he saw Charlie wave to someone
behind him but he was damned if he'd give them all the satisfaction
of seeing him craning for a look. He'd meet him soon enough.
He was staring down into the coffee cup when he heard, "Doubt you'll
find what you're looking for in there."

He couldn't move or speak and he was having a fucking hard time even
breathing. He didn't see Deb and Charlie get up and leave, paying the
bill on the way out. All he saw was Justin standing there, same
beautiful eyes, hair and body.

"Can I sit?" Justin asked in a soft voice, full of hesitation. Lance
still couldn't say a word, so he gestured to the empty seat next to
him.

Justin sat down and smiled, the smile that Lance loved since the
first moment he saw it. "I remember being in this position before. Do
I have to start again?" Lance just nodded.

"Well, this time I don't know where to start."

"Start with JC," Lance finally managed.

Justin bit his lip. "JC and I aren't a *we* anymore," he said, the
simple statement causing Lance to catch his breath. Lance didn't say
a word, just waited for Justin to continue. "Are you waiting for the
why?" Lance nodded.

"He wasn't you. He was a great guy and he loved me and I tried to
love him back, but he wasn't you."

"But I saw you...." Lance started, paused at Justin's frown, and
continued, "You were so lost in each other, you didn't even see me."

"Denial. One of my many relationship skills," Justin said
sarcastically. "What finally did it was realizing how much I was
hurting him by faking it. He didn't deserve that. So I broke it off."

"Just like you didn't deserve the way I treated you," Lance
whispered. "I so took you for granted, like you would always be
there. To take care of me, asking so little in return."

Justin's eyes filled. "When we first broke up, you and me, I told
myself that it was for the best, that I needed to find someone who
cared as much about me as I did about him. That's true. I do need
that."

Lance braced himself for the final goodbye. He closed his eyes,
hoping to shut out the reality of what was about to happen. "Lance,
look at me."

He forced his eyes open, to focus on Justin. "I have this problem,
see. I *do* need that person. But I also want that person to be you.
Is that possible?  Can we learn to love again, to do it right this
time?"Justin asked, his voice full of hope.

Lance let out his breath. "I don't know if we can, but I'm willing to
try." He stood and pulled Justin up into an embrace. "Time to go
home, baby boy."

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