Learning to Love Again He was staring into the mirror, the fiftieth time since he had gotten home and started to get ready. He wasn't sure he recognized himself anymore. His hair was no longer gelled into the familiar blond spikes and he had lost too much weight. But the trademark green eyes were the same, only the sadness marking him as different. He stuck a small piece of tissue on the spot where he had cut himself with the razor and made a mental note to buy an electric shaver for just these occasions. Then he laughed out loud, an unhappy sound, as he wondered just how many of these occasions there would be. Debbie and Charlie were coming over, insisting on dragging him out with them, and they said they might bring someone. He debated turning out all the lights and pretending that he wasn't there but they were his closest friends and he knew they were just worried. When he looked at his reflection for the fifty-first time, he shook his head and forced himself to sit down to wait. He had gotten used to this. The silence, the shadows, the swirl of memories and thoughts of Justin that filled his head every free moment. He hadn't gotten used to dating or even meeting. He drifted back to their first meeting, a gay bar on the lower west side. He hated places like that, but he had spent too many nights alone, his life reduced to work, eat, and sleep. So he found himself perched on a stool, nursing a Jack and water, the burnt wood smell reminding him of his Mississippi roots, staring into the brown liquid. "Doubt you'll find what you're looking for in there," he heard at his elbow, a slight giggle in the high pitched voice. "How do you know what I'm looking..." he said as he turned to the stranger but the words died when he saw the boy. He knew he was staring but he couldn't help it. This boy was beautiful. Blond curls, blue eyes, and skipping down, a body to die for. The best part was he seemed to like what he saw ,too, because he was still smiling and had his hand stuck out. "Justin, Justin Timberlake." "Lance, Lance Bass." They seemed to be stumped for conversation then so Justin laughed and said, "OK, I'll bite. What's a nice boy like you doing in a ...." Lance laughed out loud, his low bass rumbling through him and he could see the appreciative grin forming on Justin's face. Talking to himself in a loud whisper meant for Lance, Justin said, "OK, he seems to like what he sees, he laughs at my jokes and he sure doesn't talk a lot. This could be good." Lance joined in, "This guy is *hot*. Good sense of humor and he's talking to me when he's not talking to himself. Positive signs." Much later in their relationship, they both had confessed to love at first sight. A corny concept, but they were both romantics and it fit how they saw their being together, an act of fate. But the honeymoon dies and reality takes its place and they never seemed able to grow into that stage. The sex was still there and they never stopped responding to one another's touches but it became less lovemaking and more mutual getting off. The connection frayed little by little, as they both got more involved with people, places, and things outside of their relationship. Lance was a lawyer and a high pressure one at that. Long hours and long periods with no vacation took its toll on Justin who sought escape in his own career and his own friends. JC always seemed to be around at the end, but Lance was too busy or too much in denial to connect the dots. So it shouldn't have been a surprise when the whole thing ended with a whimper and not a bang. TS Eliot was right, Lance thought. The doorbell rang and Lance went to get it, glancing at his watch and wondering when he could politely excuse himself and come home, to hide out. Deb cocked her head as she breezed past him, a quick peck on the cheek, "You losing more weight, cause I gotta say you're going past the buff look into anorexia and it ain't that hot looking." "Good to see you, too," Lance said, smiling at the outspoken wife of his oldest friend. Charlie shook his hand, frowning, "She's right, man, you eating at all?" Lance was distracted. No one else was there and he was surprised at the twinge of disappointment he felt. Now he was sure the rest of the evening would be spent with Justin in his head. "Hello, earth to Lance?" "What? Yeah, I'm eating," he said, omitting the fact that it was one, at the most, two meals a day. "Where's the guy you said you might be bringing?" "He couldn't make it for dinner so I told him to get there for dessert and coffee." Charlie grinned, "Do I hear a note of disappointment from the abstinent monk you've become?" Lance snorted, "`Abstinent monk'?" "What do you call it? You're back to work, eat, and sleep, just like before Justin. Only this time you seem to be leaving out the eating part." "I think this is where we started. Want a drink or just head out?" "Head out," Debbie said. "Charlie's springing for that new little café in Soho and we had to promise our first born in exchange for a reservation. The walk over was pleasant but quiet, the crowds too much to carry on a three way conversation. So Lance drifted off again, back to the months following the break-up. He knew from Justin that he was seeing JC and he had been surprised at how much it hurt. He hadn't thought there was anything left when they finally ended it but he was wrong. The apartment was too empty, the bed way too big, the loss of the person who cared what was going on in his life just too much. But he didn't have to put up with Justin's messiness or his propensity for losing everything or his grumpiness in the morning. It took two months before he almost had himself convinced that it was all good and had stored the loneliness in a distant part of his heart. Then he saw them, at some outdoor café in the village, laughing and holding hands. He had felt himself blanch and fight the nausea that threatened vomit at any moment. The one thing he was grateful for was that they were staring at each other so intently, they never saw him and he turned abruptly and was able to get away without acknowledging them at all. He was never able to shut the feelings away after that. Initially he tried to distract himself with work and bars, but nothing helped. Justin was in his head 24/7 and he couldn't get rid of him. He pushed the thoughts away and lied to himself and said that it was all ridiculous but when he closed his eyes, Justin was there. His thoughts were interrupted when he ran into Charlie's back. "I can see you're with us, pal," Charlie teased. "We're here." Lance took in the trendy restaurant, grimly thinking that it could be dog food that they served for all he cared. But he pasted a smile on his face and followed them to the table. The menu was trendy as well and Lance ordered what he hoped would be the smallest portion, not wanting to explain why he couldn't force down more food. The three caught up on their lives, Charlie and Deb doing most of the talking since work was all Lance had to talk about. After he had pushed the food around on his pate for the third time, Debbie fixed him with a baleful look. "The food doesn't disappear unless you put it in your mouth or throw it under the table and at these prices, if you throw it under the table, I will cheerfully strangle you." Lance had to laugh. He put down his fork and admitted, "Sorry, I'm just not hungry. They can wrap it for you. OK?" "It's been nearly six months, babe," she said softly. "You gotta let him go." "How?" he asked in a voice laced with pain. He motioned to the waiter and asked for another drink. "Well, not like that. Maybe talking about the whole thing with someone besides Lance. He ain't giving such great advice." He knew she was right. The other day he had finally gone to the EAP to ask for a referral to a therapist. He had never imagined needing to pour his heart out to a stranger but he knew that he was going down a slippery slope. "Actually, I made an appointment with someone for Monday. Happy?" "No" When Lance looked surprised she continued. "I mean yes but talk to us. Now." "What can I say, guys? I fucked up. I let the best thing in my life slip away. I put everything in front of Justin and I lost him. I actually thought I could live with that until I saw him with JC. They were so into each other. The way we used to be." He surprised himself at the way the words tumbled out and there seemed to be more coming. "What the hell was I thinking? He never asked though so I thought it was OK. Then I noticed how sad and withdrawn he started to be at home, so different from the public guy. I passed it off to ...who knows...I basically ignored it because it was easier for me that way and as long as Justin was taking care of my needs...." "It wasn't all you, Lance. It takes two to make a relationship and two to let it slip away. Justin has some responsibility in this, too," Deb said, trying to comfort him, trying to stop the punishment. "Whatever," he sighed, feeling tears coming, Justin's emotional legacy to him. When they had first dated, Lance was shocked at how affectionate and emotional the younger man was, but eventually, he was able to enjoy it and move in that direction, although he was never one to wear his heart on his sleeve. Except for now, he thought, when everyone who knows you can see how much pain you're in. Lance needed desperately to stop talking about this before he burst into tears and ran off to the john like some teen-aged girl. "So who's the guy? Anyone I know?" Deb and Charlie exchanged glances and Lance groaned, "Oh no, one of those losers from your job, Charlie? Haven't I told you engineers and I don't get along? We fight in the morning about how the fucking cap on the toothpaste goes on. "Relax, man, he's not from my job. Deb knows him. He's been around the studio." Lance rolled his eyes. Deb managed a recording studio and met nothing but music types, a Justin type. Not what he needed. "Cut it out," Deb ordered. "You'll love him. Just your type. And good- looking, so stop whining. Besides any date is better than your right hand. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that's been your only real date since Justin moved out." Lance blushed a deep red. She sometimes was a little *too* direct. Everyone laughed and they moved on to general topics that were safe. By the time dessert rolled around, Lance had relaxed just a bit and sat with his back to the door, stirring his coffee and listening to some joke that Charlie was telling about lawyers. He sat up a little straighter when he saw Charlie wave to someone behind him but he was damned if he'd give them all the satisfaction of seeing him craning for a look. He'd meet him soon enough. He was staring down into the coffee cup when he heard, "Doubt you'll find what you're looking for in there." He couldn't move or speak and he was having a fucking hard time even breathing. He didn't see Deb and Charlie get up and leave, paying the bill on the way out. All he saw was Justin standing there, same beautiful eyes, hair and body. "Can I sit?" Justin asked in a soft voice, full of hesitation. Lance still couldn't say a word, so he gestured to the empty seat next to him. Justin sat down and smiled, the smile that Lance loved since the first moment he saw it. "I remember being in this position before. Do I have to start again?" Lance just nodded. "Well, this time I don't know where to start." "Start with JC," Lance finally managed. Justin bit his lip. "JC and I aren't a *we* anymore," he said, the simple statement causing Lance to catch his breath. Lance didn't say a word, just waited for Justin to continue. "Are you waiting for the why?" Lance nodded. "He wasn't you. He was a great guy and he loved me and I tried to love him back, but he wasn't you." "But I saw you...." Lance started, paused at Justin's frown, and continued, "You were so lost in each other, you didn't even see me." "Denial. One of my many relationship skills," Justin said sarcastically. "What finally did it was realizing how much I was hurting him by faking it. He didn't deserve that. So I broke it off." "Just like you didn't deserve the way I treated you," Lance whispered. "I so took you for granted, like you would always be there. To take care of me, asking so little in return." Justin's eyes filled. "When we first broke up, you and me, I told myself that it was for the best, that I needed to find someone who cared as much about me as I did about him. That's true. I do need that." Lance braced himself for the final goodbye. He closed his eyes, hoping to shut out the reality of what was about to happen. "Lance, look at me." He forced his eyes open, to focus on Justin. "I have this problem, see. I *do* need that person. But I also want that person to be you. Is that possible? Can we learn to love again, to do it right this time?"Justin asked, his voice full of hope. Lance let out his breath. "I don't know if we can, but I'm willing to try." He stood and pulled Justin up into an embrace. "Time to go home, baby boy." * BACK TO PREQUEL* * BACK * |