Chapter 7 When Justin got in the car, JC could see that something serious had happened.  Justin was nervous and edgy, different from the other times. "You ok, Jus?" JC asked.  Justin seemed zoned out.  "Jus, earth to Jus." Justin turned to look at him, apologizing as usual, probably no idea why he was apologizing.  JC knew most of the kids at school, who all worshiped the all-American boy, wouldn't believe this Justin, the insecure, unsure wimp.  "Sorry, JC.  I was daydreaming, kinda lost there.  What did you say?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, fine.  I'm fine.  Nothing happened.  I'm fine." His voice said just the opposite. "Who are you trying to convince, Justin, me or yourself?" He knew he had him when the tears started and he wiped them furtively, trying to keep JC from noticing. "OK, Justin, I know you two are dating.  What happened— lover's quarrel?" Justin sighed and slumped down in the seat.  He was tired of hiding.  Maybe if he just told his older brother, he could start there. "Yeah, a lover's quarrel.  He's jealous of Brit and wants me to come out." "And?" "And what?" "You look like death warmed over.  That can't be the whole story." "It is.  That's it." He wasn't about to tell anyone what had happened in the bedroom.  It was between him and Lance.  He had forgiven his boyfriend, taking half the blame, saying that he had pushed Lance to the edge.  It had been Lance's turn to sigh then, not understanding how Justin could blame himself. Justin continued, "When did you know we were dating?" "When I paid attention." Justin gasped and JC smiled to himself. That would put Justin on the edge.  From now on, he'd be watching every person he knew, assessing them for how much they knew. Especially the parents. "Do you think other people know?" Justin asked, his voice tight with anxiety. "Do you mean other people as in Mom and Dad?" Them, too.  Them first, I guess, but I mean other kids at school.  I mean if you saw something, then...." he trailed off, unable to finish the thought, even to himself. JC knew this was the weapon, the small knife that he could use over and over, constantly tearing at Justin's protective skin, drawing blood until Justin was too weak to do anything but surrender. Then Justin's life would be his and Justin's own would be a carcass.  It would be a delicate dance between hunter and prey, always staying downwind, so that Justin's sensitive antennae wouldn't pick up the danger until it was too late.  JC knew he was up to it and once he got a few friends involved, Justin wouldn't stand a chance. He startled, realized that Justin was waiting, and smiled  a reassurance, "I'm sure no one else noticed." He put just the right amount of uncertainty into his tone and he saw that rather than being comforted, Justin was even more alarmed. "Why don't you just come out?  Get it over with, Justin?" Panic blossomed, "No. You see how my mom can be.  I can't even imagine what she would be like if she knew and your dad...." He left the thought unspoken, knowing JC could picture his father's response perfectly. "Your friends though?" He was playing the helpful brother to the hilt. "Then they might say something to Mom and Paul," he said.  He turned to JC, pleading in his eyes, "JC, promise me you won't tell anyone, let anything slip." "Sure, kid, no sweat." They pulled into the driveway and sat there. Justin was practically hyperventilating.  The events of the night were overwhelming and all he wanted was to escape safely to his room but the gauntlet of facing his parents still lay ahead. "Calm down, Justin," JC said, soothing the younger boy. Justin took several long, deep breaths until his chest was no longer tight.  "Thanks, JC, thanks so much." He let himself out of the car and JC watched him go in.  "No problem, loser," he whispered. Justin knew skipping the nightly ritual of goodnights would have worse consequences than facing it right now.  He stood in the doorway of the den, his parents in the shadows, in their usual places, nothing changed from one night to the next. "I'm back.  Good night, Mom, Paul." He hoped she would be drunk enough to let the kiss go tonight.  That was a fruitless hope. "Come here, baby, give me a kiss." He moved to the sofa and leaned down, dropping a light kiss on her cheek, but before he could move away, she grabbed his hand and pulled him down to the couch. "How was practice today?" Justin nearly laughed.  He thought she might have noticed his mood, but that was a ridiculous idea.  She was only tuned in to the essentials, what would further his pursuit of the Ivies.  He guessed he should be grateful tonight. "It was great," he answered succinctly.  Please let me go, he thought. "Tell me about it," she said, the alcohol slurring her words slightly. Justin's stomach dropped.  Great, tonight was *not* the night for a warm, cozy chat, especially one fueled by scotch. He filled her in. Even after all he had been through earlier, it never was an option to say no, to tell her he was tired, to put her off to a better time. He made it brief and when he was finished, she seemed satisfied and let him go with another kiss. He dragged up the stairs and went for the phone. Lance picked up right away, as if he had been hoping for the call. "Are you OK, Jus?" Justin tried not to sigh, but failed, "I guess. JC knows about us." There was no emotion. "Shit," Lance answered. Then, "Knows or thinks he knows?" "Knows. I told him he was right but I asked him not to tell my parents. I am *not* ready for that. Even JC is freaking me out." There was silence at the other end. Justin bit his lip and continued, "Please Lance, not tonight." Lance answered, "I know, baby, I know you're scared. Don't worry. JC seems okay. Get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow." Then he added, "Justin, you know I love you, don't you?" "I know *I* love *you*," Justin said in a quiet voice. The click sounded in Lance's ear. He threw himself on the bed and replayed the night. He saw his part in it, by far the worst. He had been swearing that he would stop hurting his boy and then Justin would be so weak and it pissed him off and he would punish him for it. It never did anything positive. It just reinforced Justin's submissiveness till it got to that horrible point tonight where Justin would have allowed Lance to rape him. Lance felt tears come as he thought about Justin. He had so much going for him and not an ounce of self-esteem where it counted. Lance would have cheerfully strangled Lynn right then, drinking and pushing her way through her child's life until he was a hollowed out straw man, bending with whichever wind blew his way. He couldn't do this alone anymore. Either he had to stop seeing Justin or he needed help to deal with Justin's insecurities without hurting the person he loved. He decided to talk to JC in the morning. Justin was embarrassed by his confession to JC the night before and decided to take the bus, to avoid more questions.  By the time he got there, it was late but he looked for Lance anyway,  hoping to get a smile at least, to erase the fact that he felt like shit, tired and depressed.  He hadn't gotten much schoolwork done and knew he was going to catch hell from Mrs.  James when he showed up without the physics lab report. As Justin passed through the groups of kids, spending their last few free minutes catching up on everything that had happened since the last telephone call the night before, he watched their faces, fearful, searching for any tiny indication that they knew about him and Lance.  On a few faces, he thought he saw suspicion, but then he scolded himself for being silly, even though the fear remained, firmly rooted. Lance was engrossed in conversation with JC and they both looked really serious.  Justin's belly flipped as he approached them.  They turned and looked and stopped talking, exchanging glances that Justin couldn't interpret. "Hey," he said hesitantly. "Hey yourself.  How come you took the bus?" JC questioned. "I just didn't want to rush," he lied and Lance looked at him sharply, frowning.  He was still feeling guilty about the night before and reasoned that Justin was avoiding him, rightfully pissed at what happened. Lance couldn't bring it up in front of JC so he was silent, willing Justin to look at him and smile, to let him know it was okay. Unfortunately, Justin wanted the same thing, so neither got his wish and they all separated moments later, heading to three different classes. By lunch time, Justin had racked up two nasty comments about his lack of attention and one lowered grade for no homework.  Now he had to spend the next hour with Britney, pretending to be straight. He stood taller, scanning for Lance and he finally saw him, with JC again.  What the hell?  What could they be whispering about?  His head ached and he decided to ignore them, drive the questions out of his mind, block the fear.  Britney was right there with that perky little grin and he let her cheer him, smiling along with her, talking about music class.  He didn't see Lance frown. Lance had gone to JC as he promised himself and asked for support. JC was so earnest in offering to let Justin talk and swearing that he would give Justin whatever he needed.  He put a comforting hand on Lance's arm, offering support to him as well. "It's hard, I know, being with someone who is so needy.  Draining, is how my counselor put it." "You went to see a counselor for it.  Did the person help?" "Oh yes, he insisted that I take care of myself and put some distance between us, so my friend would have to stand on his own two feet." It sounded so genuine, so heartfelt. Lance bit his bottom lip, thinking, then he shook his head, "I can't push Justin away.  I really care a lot about him." "That's why you have to do it." "He would be so hurt.  He wouldn't understand." "Suit yourself.  You asked me, I told you.  Later." JC smirked to himself as he walked away. Lance debated JC's idea, but when Justin finally caught up with him for a few minutes before practice, he wondered if he could ever hurt either of them that way.  Justin's eyes swept over Lance, scanning for his mood, as always adjusting his own to what he found there. Luckily today, he sensed no danger and he relaxed, smiling a greeting. Lance, out of character, was hesitant, after last night, afraid that Justin would be angry and hateful.  Instead he saw the usual expression and was surprised.  "Hey," he said, "how did the afternoon go?" "About as well as this morning.  I'm hoping practice is an improvement," he said, looking forward to his escape from the thoughts that swirled all day. Lance said, "How about tonight?  Want to come over?" Justin was tired, wiped out emotionally and physically but he needed to make things right with Lance so he nodded, "Call ya later.  OK?" "Sure, baby, later," Lance said.  Justin glanced around, nervous that someone might have overheard the endearment, but no one was close enough to hear and he sighed in relief. Basketball was fine.  He put all the stress of the last twenty-four hours aside and concentrated completely on the game to the point where the coach seemed to be complimenting him every second play. JC's expression never changed but his insides seethed with a jealousy that was demanding action. This was what Lance never saw and couldn't understand— Justin's attempt to build his self-esteem by trying ten times harder than anyone else.  JC only saw the result and took it as a personal attack which had to be answered.  And Justin acted off his feelings in a way he could never have explained.  It was the makings of disaster. continue menu