Chapter 4 Justin looked tired the next morning and Lance said so.  Justin let him assume that it was the paper that had kept him up late rather than worry over the way the evening had ended.  He studied his boyfriend, looking for the little things that told Justin how to react and when he didn't see any leftover detritus from the night before, he relaxed a bit and smiled. Lance was studying Justin also.  He loved that smile and lately it hadn't been there too often.  He knew Justin was having a hard time at home.  With his mom's drinking and his stepfather's nearly constant rage, Justin often said he felt like he was going over Niagara in a rubber raft, just the illusion of safety.  Lance figured it couldn't be that bad or Justin's grades or his game would collapse and that hadn't happened.  If anything, both got better.  So he chalked it up to exaggeration and let it go at that.  After all, Justin tended to be a drama queen, with that sighing and crying. Justin raised an eyebrow when he saw Lance's face grow thoughtful.  "Whatcha thinking?" "About you.  About your family.  About having a hard time." "It's not that bad," Justin said, denying to himself as well as Lance just how awful he felt most of the time. "Yeah, that's what I figured," Lance replied, happy that they didn't have to dwell on Justin's problems for too long.  "What about tonight?" Justin cringed.  He wanted to stay home and catch up but with Lance's attitude last night, that would not be a smart move.  "Sure." Just then, Britney bounced over and joined them.  Justin smiled at her, enjoying her enthusiasm and energy, so at odds with the way he felt lately.  She lifted his spirits, making him feel good even for a few short minutes.  Lance growled a greeting, putting Justin on warning that he'd better not be too agreeable or too friendly if he knew what was good for him.  The smile faded a little and Britney giggled, "Lance scare you, Jus?" Justin laughed self-consciously, and said, "No way." He would never admit out loud how Lance's moods affected him and his behavior.  Hell, how everybody's moods affected him. "C'mon, baby, we got music class.  La, la, la, la," she trilled, giggling as she dragged him down the hall.  Justin knew Lance would be pissed, so jealous of any move she made.  Justin thought that the idea that Lance needed to be jealous was ridiculous.  Justin adored Lance and lived in constant fear that Lance would find someone better.  Even thinking about the possibility made his stomach tighten and his heart race. He was grateful for the distraction that class provided.  Next to basketball, he loved music best and  Mr.  Raines was a good teacher, made the class fun.  Today they were doing solos and for the most part, the class consisted of kids who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket and weren't interested anyway.  They needed the class to graduate so they put in their time and left with as little as they had when they started.  Justin was fascinated.  Mr.  Raines talked about structure and rhythm and types of music and somehow made it all interesting. One by one they sang their solos, hysterical laughter greeting most of the efforts.  No one was embarrassed because they all seemed equally bad.  Justin was torn.  He wanted to screw up so he could be one of the crowd but the truth was, he loved to sing and had a great voice.  He was still debating which way to go when Britney sang, some pop tune from some little blond doll, and knocked everyone off their seats.  She was awesome and the boys sat openmouthed staring at her performance as if they had paid money for it.  Justin was amazed that he had never known how talented she was and clapped the hardest when she finished and sat, blushing with pleasure.  He stood in a daze and began his own song, another pop ballad, well-suited to his high sweet voice.  He forgot to play it for laughs and got lost in the feeling and the music.  When he finished, there was silence and he stared at the floor, sure that meant they just didn't want to hurt his feelings by booing.  But then the appreciative hum started, followed by more clapping, equaling Britney's. The bell rang and everyone gathered up belongings.  "Justin, Britney, can I see you both for a minute?" They looked at one another and Britney waggled her eyebrows, "Maybe he's offering us a contract." "Or not," Justin laughed as they went over to their teacher. "I would like to beg you both to join the choir.  Your voices are incredible and I'm not sure how I missed them until now." Britney laughed, "Ok, so no contract.  Yet.  Sure, Mr.  Raines. I can squeeze you in." Justin looked upset. "I'm sorry.  I have basketball and schoolwork.  I can't do it." "It will look great on your apps, you know," the choir director cajoled.  Justin debated.  He loved to sing.  Lance was in the choir and had asked Justin to join before, so he'd be happy and Justin would get to spend time with him.  And his mom would be thrilled for sure.  Coach wouldn't be but Mr.  Raines would have to work it out with him if he wanted him so bad. "Sorry, Mr.  Raines, I love to sing but Coach Johnson ..." "I'm not taking no for an answer.   I need you, Justin.  Your voice is perfect." Justin basked in the compliment, but knew the scheduling would be impossible. He shook his head, but as usual, he was being ignored.  He could see it on Mr.  Raines's face.  "I can't," he said, this time with more conviction. "We'll see.  I'll be in touch." Justin wondered with a slight feeling of panic what that meant and who would be angry this time. As they left, Britney pouted.  "C'mon, Jus, join.  We can be together." He looked at her, surprised, "I don't want to be together.  Hello?  Have I said or done something..." "I meant as friends.  But honestly, Justin, I know that I'm pretty and popular and you're basically the only one not falling all over me," she said and stopped walking, studying him critically. Justin swallowed hard, hoping that what came next would not be her asking him point blank about his sexuality.  She didn't say anything at all which somehow made it worse.  When she suddenly reversed direction again, dread caught in his gut. "Maybe we could do a duet, Justin," Britney cooed, back on the original topic.  Justin simply shook his head and laughed.  He relaxed a little but still wondered what she had been thinking.       His tiredness caught up to him at practice.  He was clumsy and JC noticed, taking advantage of it to embarrass his stepbrother every chance he got.  After the previous day's rebuke, JC made sure to keep it subtle, so that when he stuck out his foot and tripped Justin, it seemed to be accidental. Justin went down hard and had the breath knocked out of him.  He rolled onto his back, trying to suck in air.  The other boys gathered around, concerned for him.  JC stood on the outside, infuriated that the kid could engender that kind of caring.  He figured he could crack his skull open and no one would even notice. Justin was sitting up when JC pushed in and reached out a hand.  He pulled Justin to his feet.  "Jeez, he only got the wind knocked out.  It ain't a freakin' emergency." "You're right, C.  Guess I was clumsy, is all," Justin said, anxious to erase the annoyed tone in his brother's voice.  He rubbed his knee and drew the coach's attention. "Let me see, Timberlake." He looked at the knee, the swelling already starting.  "Go in the trainer's room and get some ice and stay off it." His tone was sympathetic, unlike how he sounded most of the time.  JC was clenching his fists so hard he could feel his nails scraping into the palms. The coach checked his watch then and ended the practice a little early.  Of course, without the star, who can practice?  JC thought angrily.  Justin was already limping into the locker room, gathering commiserating claps on the back along the way. JC would have been surprised to find out that the one thing on Justin's mind was whether Lance would be pissed if he ducked out and stayed home to take care of his knee.  Justin hurried as fast as he could, hoping JC wouldn't be too upset waiting for him.  The coach insisted on looking at his knee carefully and Justin was torn.  He wanted to be reassured that his knee would be okay but he also didn't want to delay JC.  When JC didn't seem too out of sorts, Justin nearly cried with relief. Lance wasn't quite so understanding.  He let Justin know in no uncertain terms that he was *not* happy with Justin not coming over.  "You can lie down, baby," he wheedled and Justin did get an oh- so-pleasant picture in his head that made his dick pay attention. "No, Lance, I can't.  I'm sure they wouldn't let me go out anyhow." "Did they say that?" Lance asked suspiciously. "Well, no, but the coach..." "Ask them then." Lance said it as if there could be no other choice and for Justin there wasn't.  He limped downstairs and found them in the den, his mother clutching another full drink, and his step-dad glued to the tv screen.  No one even looked up when he entered.  "I'm going to Lance's. OK?" Paul never looked up and Lynn waved breezily, in that lovely state with no cares, right before she got nasty.  Justin laughed to himself.  Lance had known it was a lie that he had to ask his parents. He was the one who didn't want to go so why the hell couldn't he say that?  You know why, you jerk.  If you say no often enough, Lance will leave you and then what?  The then what was too terrifying to contemplate. He hunted down JC who was going out anyhow but made a big deal about how grateful Justin should be that he kept ferrying him back and forth to Lance's.  Justin *was* grateful, obsequious was the better word, and JC smirked, wondering how far he could push the chump before he said no.  Well, he wouldn't find out tonight but he would plant some seeds that he hoped would bear fruit in the near future. "So, Justin, how long have you been dating Lance?" JC dropped the bomb as soon as he pulled out.  He got a quick glance at Justin's stunned expression before speeding off. "What makes you think we're dating?" Justin asked, his voice scared and unsure. "You're not?" JC responded.  His thoughts were mean. You can't win, kid.  I am the master at backing people into corners and you'll only get out if I want it to happen. Justin remained silent, too panicked to even form a rational thought much less put it into spoken sentences.  "Does that mean yes?" JC hooted. Justin was still quiet.  There was no answer that was right.  If JC knew, then he might tell.  No might piss Lance off who had been bugging him to come out to his parents.  But the picture of the two in the den was enough to convince him to deny the relationship.  He couldn't imagine telling *them*. "We're just friends," Justin said quietly. "OK, if you say so," JC said, the knowing in his voice telling Justin that he knew he was full of shit.  He understood from Justin's expression as he thanked him for the ride that his seeds were already germinating in the fertile soil of Justin's fear. Justin was still quiet when he found Lance in his room.  "Can I lie down?" "Sure.  What's wrong?" Justin's face always seemed to have that nervous, unhappy look lately but tonight it was pronounced and Lance had once again promised himself that he wouldn't be mean to his boy. "JC knows.  About us," he whispered. Lance didn't see the problem.  "And?" "What if he tells my parents?" The fear was apparent and Lance tensed, anger starting to creep in. "Why don't *you* tell your parents?" Lance asked.  This was old ground. "You don't understand," Justin whined.  He knew Lance saw them as just parents.  No one but JC saw the anger,  the meanness from Paul and the constant pushing, the total emotional disconnect from his mom.  It was so rare to find them able to relate to either of their children that Justin despaired of ever finding the golden moment to tell them that he was gay. "No, I don't.  I've offered to go with you, help you with the words, hold your hand through it and nothing gets you moving.  How bad can it be?" He was coming from a place where parents listened and accepted and guided and in the end, loved.  He had no frame of reference for Justin's situation. "You don't know.  Please Lance, just let's be quiet and lie here together." Lance was quiet then, still miffed but ready to forgive if he could get Justin to make out a little. Justin turned him on like nobody else ever had.  The boy was so sweet and fragile, it was so easy to dominate him. He knew he could get Justin to do just about anything.  It was a good thing he cared about him. They lay together, Justin curled into Lance, just wanting comfort.  Lance stroked him, running his fingers through the springy curls and occasionally leaning into the younger boy and dropping kisses on his lips.  Justin stilled under the caresses, loving the touches, wanting to stay this way forever.  Eventually though, Lance got bored and the kisses became more frequent until Lance's tongue sought entrance. "No, Lance, let's just stay like this," Justin said, the pout obvious in his voice. "C'mon, baby, just a little while, " Lance moaned, the slightly needy tone guaranteed to get  Justin to cave.  Lance smiled as Justin rolled toward him and kissed him, his tongue searching Lance's mouth. Lance wanted more but he knew that Justin didn't, not tonight and he didn't want to dominate the younger boy all the time even though it was so easy.  So they kissed for a while and then Justin snuggled into Lance's chest.  He was almost asleep when Lance nudged him, "Hey baby, you gotta go." Justin held on tighter, until Lance unwrapped him and rolled away, sitting up on the edge of the bed.  "JC won't come.  Then what are you gonna do?" "Sleep here with you?" Justin grinned. "Sounds good to me," Lance said, a wide smile indicating he knew they were just kidding around. "Some day," Justin said softly, suddenly serious.  Lance studied the younger boy, entranced by his beauty.  Someday when you come out to your family, he wanted to say, but he knew that would just lead to another argument that would get them nowhere, so he kept quiet. He watched as Justin limped around the bed.  "How is it?" he asked. "It'll be OK.  Coach said it seemed to be just bruised.  He gave me some shit to rub on it." He stood in front of Lance and let himself be drawn into a hug, enjoying the feeling of closeness they had tonight.  He kissed Lance once again briefly before they went outside to wait for JC.  When the car pulled up, Justin made sure he was far from Lance, wanting no more boyfriend comments on the trip home.  Lance bit his lip to hold back the nasty comment that was on the tip of his tongue.  Instead he waved and went inside. JC didn't have anything to say and Justin was grateful that the day had ended so well.  Moments later, he wished he hadn't thought that and jinxed himself.  His mother was weaving toward him, a grim set to her mouth.  He rapidly flipped through his mental files, searching for the one that caused that look, but he didn't come up with anything. "Where have you been?" she said, the words slurred. "At Lance's," he answered, " I told you I was going." "Don't lie, Justin, you never told me." He bit his lip, wondering if it was worth it to continue the argument, but he hated it that she thought he would lie to her. "Mom, remember?  I came in the den and told you both I was going and ..." She moved more quickly than he thought she was capable of at the moment and grabbed his chin, squeezing it painfully.  Her nose was inches away from his and he could smell the scotch on her breath.  "Don't.  Lie.  To.  Me." He could feel the tears prick and swallowed hard.  "OK," he said with difficulty.  He knew she was never going to admit she was wrong even if she could remember. "Now apologize." "I'm sorry, Momma," he said softly.  She released his chin and leaned in to kiss him. "I love you, Justin," she said in a boozy voice. "I love you, too, Momma," he said.  And he did.  He went to bed wishing that alcohol hadn't taken over both of their lives. continue menu