「要說的偏偏忘掉。我最愛的人。今生只得你﹐永遠也得你。」
"forgetting just the things that I need to say..
the one I love the most.
In this life I only have you, forever I only have you."
Tuesday April 1st, 2003. My heart was shattered.
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Toronto time morning 8:00am, Hong Kong time 9:00pm at night.
I was still sleeping in bed, when I heard a "beep" from the cellphone beside the bed.
I grabbed the cellphone and looked at the caller-ID-display, said, "HK LONG DISTANCE".
It must've been my parents.. "calling so early!" I grumbled secretly.
They should've known that I was still sleeping, since I only have classes in the afternoon on Tuesday.
I answered the phone sounding tired on purpose.
"Wei, still sleeping?" came the voice of my mom.
"Yeh.. still haven't got up.." I said lazily.
"I'll tell you a news, then you'll jump up from the bed immediately."
"What is it.."
"It's a bad news ok.." my mom sounded a bit strange.
"What's wrong?" I already felt that something was wrong.
"It's to do with your super idol Leslie Cheung.."
"What happened?!" I was already wide awake. The first thought that came accross my mind was, "Leslie got SARS?"
It'd have been better if that was really the case.
"He jumped off from Mandarin Oriental hotel in central and died."
. . . . . . . . .
It was like a huge hammer smashing right into my heart.
"WHAT?!? IT CAN'T BE?????" I yelled fiercely, jumping up from bed.
"You're now all wide awake huh? It's true..."
I felt all dizzy... "IT CAN'T BE???? IT CAN'T BE?????"
But my mom wasn't someone who would joke.
"It's true... the news just reported it. This evening he jumped down from Mandarin Oriental.. the police said they found a letter with him, saying that he was bothered by some emotional problem..."
"THIS CAN'T BE??!!" This was impossible..
A thousand, a million thoughts flashed accross my mind. It was all stars in front of my eyes..
"It's true, I'm not kidding you. When me and your dad saw the news just now we knew you'd be so shocked.. so we're phoning you now to tell you first, so you wouldn't be too shocked when you hear the news yourself when you wake up.."
"This can't be..? This can't be...?" I kept on repeating. I couldn't hear what my mom continued to say.. something about Hong Kong and SARS.
I couldn't hear a thing no more.
My aunt and my cousins upstairs who were hurrying to go to school heard my scream, they came down and asked, "did something happen??"
I yelled uncontrollably, "Leslie Cheung jumped off the building and died!!!!"
"What?!" My aunt was also shocked. But they were in a hurry to go to school , so they left quickly.
I could still hear my little cousin asking my aunt "Who's that? Who's that?" on the way out.
And then, I was left alone.
I stood there not knowing what to do. Now what? Now what?
I ran over to the desk, found my phone book. Irene! My buddy Irene in Indonesia, my super Leslie-fan-buddy. Did she know yet??
I dialed her number crazily, but the line just wouldn't go through. I called and called crazily but failed.
My head felt all crazy. I dropped the phone and switched on the radio..
heard Leslie's songs being played again and again. The DJ was talking about this news sadly.
So it was true. It was true...
I started to cry uncontrollably. Cry, cry and cry.... this was impossible!
He was all fine and happy, how could he suddenly die just like that??
I was still waiting for his next album, his next movie, his next concert...
is everything over now?
How could this be..? Why is it him? Why does it have to be him? Why does it just have to be the one I love the most?
I sat there weakly listening to the songs on the radio. My heart ached along with the familar beats.
The songs are still here.. but he was already gone.
And then, the phone started ringing non-stop. Good friends called one by one.
I received comfort, one after one. It was heart-warming. But this kind of care and attention..... I'd rather not have.
Tears are still falling...
Sigh.... this is a cruel world.
I'm sad for Leslie's leaving.
I'm sad for the vulnerability of men.
I'm sad for the instability of life.
I'm sad for the shortness of happiness.
Sigh... this is all too ironic.
But yes, gor gor, that was your decision, and I respect that,
however reluctantly...
Thankyou for all the good songs, all the good films, all the good shows...
it was such an enjoyment to have you there. Thanks for everything.
You brightened up my life.
Love you always...
27/5/03