Guide to Life
The Guide To Life
100 simple rules and sayings
1. Hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.
2. Never spit into the wind.
3. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
6. He who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.
7. He who throws dirt loses ground.
8. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
9. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
10. Always drink upstream from the herd.
11. Add life to your years, not years to your life.
12. Today is the tomorrow you forgot to plan for yesterday.
13. Anything you lose automatically doubles its value.
14. Common sense is very uncommon.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
16. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
17. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
18. He who laughs last didnt get the joke.
19. If at first you dont succeed, never skydive.
20. If you always do what youve always done, youll always get what youve always gotten; unless you win the lottery.
21. Never lick a self-adhesive stamp.
22. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. We dont stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
25. You always find something in the last place you look.
26. Fear any item that weighs less than its operating manual.
27. Never eat yellow snow.
28. Always remember to pillage before you burn.
29. Do not utilize a superfluous word where a diminutive one shall suffice.
30. If you put your nose to the grindstone, youll get a flat face.
31. When youre in over your head, close your mouth.
32. Always keep a You are here dot with you.
33. Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today.
34. .sdrawkcab dootsrednu tub sdrawrof devil si efiL (read backwards for the intellectually challenged people)
35. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
36. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
37. There is no rehab for stupidity.
38. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
39. Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell.
40. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
41. In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.
42. Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.
43. Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
44. Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.
45. Never pet a burning dog.
46. Life is a foreign language that is often mispronounced.
47. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
48. Only dead fish go with the flow.
49. Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
50. Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.
51. Just because you can jump off a bridge, that doesnt mean you should.
52. Success consists of getting up one more time than you have fallen down.
53. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those that got there first.
54. The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists.
55. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
56. Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.
57. Perfection, as a concept, is inevitably a flawed characteristic.
58. When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
59. Don't be disappointed when the center of the universe is discovered, and it isn't you.
60. You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
61. Never squat while wearing spurs.
62. When it comes to thought, some people will stop at nothing.
63. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
64. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
65. Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
66. Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.
67. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
68. Become yourself.
69. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
70. Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends upon what you're made of.
71. When arguing with a fool, make sure they aren't doing the same.
72. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.
73. Birth is the beginning of the end.
74. A fight to the death between zombies has a couple inherent problems.
75. Do not use a hatchet to kill a fly on your friends forehead.
76. A closed mind, like a closed book, is merely a waste of space.
77. Life is a mirror: what you see in it depends on what you see in yourself.
78. A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be there with you saying, "Damn that was fun!"
79. The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
80. When the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.
81. A camel never sees its own hump.
82. Turn the door handle, push, and then walk.
83. You can understand some of the people all of the time, and you can understand all of the people some of the time, but you can't understand all of the people all of the time.
84. Never let life know what you need to do, for life will do everything it can in order to stop you.
85. There are two kinds of light: the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
86. When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.
87. He with a single chopstick goes hungry.
88. You can be led to wisdom by a wise one; however, that doesnt mean you can think.
89. What we learn from history is that we fail to learn from history.
90. You can do anything you want, provided you aren't stopped by law enforcement officers or physics.
91. Sitting in a church doesnt make you a better person any more than sitting in your garage makes you a car.
92. Religion is a great comfort in a world torn apart by religion.
93. Some days you are the pigeon, some the statue.
94. He who has never made a mistake has never made a discovery.
95. Let not the sands of time into your eyes.
96. The idiot bakes snow in the oven and expects an ice-cream pie.
97. There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.
98. Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
99. If you don't succeed, you run the risk of failure.
100. Dont Die.
I agree with a some of these and am in conflict with others, but I guess they make some sense.
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