"So, Ben, people like you? What's that like?"

"You think the only way to get a brother on the show is to call it 'Who Wants to Win $50 cash and a pair of Pumas'?"

"Abbey Doobey"

"I'm a girl, ya know?"

"A little song, a little dance, a little Seltzer down the pants!"

"Wade's just gettin over the flu, so in a day or two, when my antibiotics are through, I'll get close to you."

"You can't catch ugly, can you?"

"Oh by the way...YOUR WELCOME!"

"They teach this kind of stuff on Blue's Clues."

"My pet rock is the only one I can trust in this world."

"People seem to like the saying, 'Is the glass half full or half empty?" They stop smiling when I say, 'It'll be empty when I pour it over your head!"

"Don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today. And if you die in your sleep, you spent your last day on earth doing laundry."

"If you were thinking of going to a family reunion: Your immediate family is bad enough, do you really want to see the people that started this whole mess?"

"When people say, 'That's so sweet' and 'You are so sweet' They really mean 'Thanks ass-kisser!"

"Don't keep reaching for the stars, because you'll just look like an idiot stretching like that for no reason."

"There's plenty of fish in the sea: And most are like the one that just dumped you!"

"When people say, 'Oh, can you hold on a minute? I have another call.' They really mean, 'Thank God for the mute button! I'll just say it's my aunt calling long distance."