LISTEN TO OUR CHILDREN
I cannot think of more important people to listen to than our children. Many years ago, when my wife's death thrust single parenting upon me, I often found myself upset at my young daughter for interrupting when I was trying to hear the radio on our drive home. Eventually, I got so upset that I did something drastic.
I turned off the radio.
Might I suggest that when we "shush" our children because we are listening to the radio, or watching television, we consider what we are telling them? Unless some horrific disaster is being announced as heading our way, is there anything on the radio or television more important than what our children have to say? We should relish, and encourage, the moments they actually want to talk with us, as the opportunities for conversation with them become fewer and fewer as they age. Perhaps if we listen when they are younger, they will be less reluctant to open up to us as they get older...
May more parents "do something drastic" when interrupted by children!
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MAKING CHOICES
Joseph Henry used to tell a rather strange story about his childhood. His grandmother paid a cobbler to make him a pair of shoes.
The man measured his feet and told Joseph that he could choose between two styles: a rounded toe or a square toe. Little Joseph couldn't decide. It seemed to be such a huge decision; after all, they would become his only pair of shoes for a long time.
The cobbler allowed him to take a couple of days to make up his mind. Day after day, Joseph went into the shop, sometimes three or four times a day! Each time he looked over the cobbler's shoes and tried to decide. The round-toed shoes were more practical, but the square toes looked more fashionable. He continued to procrastinate. He wanted to make up his mind, but he just couldn't decide!
Finally, one day he went into the shop and the cobbler handed him a parcel wrapped in brown paper. His new shoes! He raced home. He tore off the wrapping and found a beautiful pair of leather shoes -- one with a rounded toe and the other with a square toe!
Joseph learned a difficult lesson about decisions: if we don't make them ourselves, others will make them for us. And wholeness in life can only come about when we take full responsibility for the choices we make.
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MILLENNIUM DREAM
The daughter of comedian Groucho Marx was once denied admittance to an exclusive country club swimming pool with her friends because she and her family were not members. Realizing what had happened, embarrassed officials sent the Marx family an apology and an application to join. Groucho declined the invitation with the comment, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
Someone still tried to smooth over the incident by persuading the comedian to allow an application to be submitted for membership. The country club was embarrassed further when the application was denied. The reason? The Marx family was Jewish and the club was "restricted."
True to form, Groucho wrote back: "My wife is not Jewish. Can she go swimming and let our daughter wade up to her waist?"
I love his use of humor, but Groucho effectively shines a spotlight on the prevalence and absurdity of prejudice. He must have felt, as did Sir Isaac Newton so many years earlier, that we "build too many walls and not enough bridges." I yearn for a time when we courageously break down those walls that divide and build wide bridges between one another. I long for a superhighway of compassion and acceptance spanning our differences to unite all humanity as one. At the dawn of the new millennium I dream of an age when people will be finally connected heart to heart and mind to mind.
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BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE EAR-LIDS
Patricia Goldman, as vice chairperson of the National Transportation Safety Board, used to tell a story about how poorly airline passengers listen. She says that one flight attendant, who was frustrated by passenger inattentiveness during her what-to-do-in-an-emergency talk, changed the wording. This is what she actually said:
Not a single passenger noticed.
We have eyelids, but we do not have ear-lids. To compensate, we learn to listen selectively -- to turn our listening on and off. But if you have ever been listened to, really listened to, you know how powerful that experience is. You can likewise listen more effectively to others by applying these four important listening principles.
* Listen with your eyes. Make eye contact with the speaker. Learn to concentrate on the moment at hand and clear your mind of distractions.
* Listen with your ears. It is impossible to listen when you are speaking.
* Listen with your mind. Let go of preconceived ideas about what you THINK the speaker is saying. Keep your mind open, even if you suspect you will dislike what you are about to hear.
* Listen with your heart. Be concerned for and genuinely interested in the person to whom you are listening. That will speak louder than anything you actually say.
Listening with your eyes, your ears, your mind and your heart is not only effective, it will create an almost magical bond between you and others that can be achieved in no other way. Dr. Karl Menninger stated: "Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand."
We all need a friend who really listens. And we can all be one.
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THE POWER OF TOGETHER
The poet Rupert Brooke set out to travel by boat from England to America. Everyone on deck had someone there to see them off -- everyone except him. Rupert Brooke felt lonely; terribly lonely. Watching the hugging and kissing and good-byes, he wished he had someone to miss him.
The poet saw a youngster and asked his name. "William," the boy answered.
"William," he asked, "would you like to earn a few shillings?"
"Sure I would! What do I have to do?"
"Just wave to me as I leave," the lonely man instructed.
It is said that money can't buy love, but for six shillings young William waved to Rupert Brooke as the boat pulled out. The poet writes: "Some people smiled and some cried, some waved white handkerchiefs and some waved straw hats. And I? I had William, who waved at me with his red bandana for six shillings and kept me from feeling completely alone."
We are all lonely at times. But here was a man who was strong enough to admit his loneliness. One psychotherapist says that a necessary first step toward coping with loneliness is for people to feel free simply admitting they are lonely. For once we recognize it, then we can do something about it.
What can we do? Reach out to friends and family. Too many people are lonely because they have been building walls instead of bridges.
We can also find others who may be lonely and help fill their emptiness. The world is full of them -- Mother Teresa used to describe loneliness as "the biggest disease" of our time. And the loneliest do not all reside in nursing homes, nor do they all live by themselves.
Finally, we can recognize that, spiritually, we are not alone. This is a time to for us to dig deep into our spiritual being.
Lily Tomlin quipped, "We're all in this alone." But, of course, that isn't true. And great joy comes from discovering the power in the word 'together.'
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SPIRIT OF LOVE
Henry Drummond has said, "The moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." Here is a story (possibly apocryphal, but powerful nevertheless) about a man who acted in the spirit of love, and what he consequently learned.
The story comes from Zig Ziglar's book, SEE YOU AT THE TOP. He tells about an old man who stood on a Virginia River bank many years ago. He was waiting to cross the river and, since it was bitterly cold and there were no bridges, he would have to "catch a ride" to the other side. After a lengthy wait he spotted a group of horsemen approaching. He let the first one pass, then the second, third, fourth, and fifth. One rider remained. As he drew abreast, the old man looked him in the eye and said, "Sir, would you give me a ride across the river?"
The rider immediately replied, "Certainly." Once across the river, the old man slid to the ground. "Sir," the rider said before leaving. "I could not help but notice that you permitted all the other men to pass without asking for a ride. Then, when I drew abreast, you immediately asked me to carry you across. I am curious as to why you didn't ask them and you did ask me."
The old man quietly responded, "I looked into their eyes and could see no love and knew in my own heart it would be useless to ask for a ride. But, when I looked into your eyes, I saw compassion, love and the willingness to help. I knew you would be glad to give me a ride across the river."
The rider was touched. "I'm grateful for what you are saying," he said. "I appreciate it very much." With that, Thomas Jefferson turned and rode off to the White House.
Ziglar reminds us that our eyes are the windows of our souls. Then he asks a pointed question: "If you had been the last rider, would the old man have asked you for a ride?"
A good question! For it is said that others will know us by our love. Some will see it in the things we do and some in the things we say. And a few perceptive souls, like the old man, may catch a glimmer of a loving and generous spirit in the expression of kind eyes.
However it shows, may you be known by your love.
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DREAM SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
A mother of a vivacious five-year-old just returned from a meeting of the National Organization for Women. Stirred by exciting dreams for the possibilities of womanhood, she asked her daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up. Little Lisa quickly answered, "A nurse."
There was a time when nursing was thought of as a woman's profession and the answer somehow seemed not to satisfy. She had, after all, just returned from a NOW conference. "You can be anything you want to be," she reminded her daughter. "You can be a lawyer, a surgeon, a banker, president of the country -- you can be ANYTHING."
"Anything?" Lisa asked.
"Anything!" her mother smiled.
"I know," Lisa said. "I want to be a horse!"
Lisa's dream may need some refinement, but there is plenty of time for that. When do we quit dreaming about the future? When do we resign ourselves to simply replaying dreams from the past?
Maybe her dream needs to mature a bit, but would you rather have the optimism of a five-year-old girl who wants to be a horse, or the pessimism of an adult who says in despair, "I'll never be anything at all"?
Teddy Roosevelt said, "Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground." That's the way to make those dreams come true. It begins with looking up and dreaming something beautiful.
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Hugging
These words from an unknown author remind us of the importance of physical contact to a relationship.
Hugging is healthy: it helps the body's immune system; it wards off depression; it reduces stress; it induces sleep; it invigorates; it rejuvenates; and it has no unpleasant side effects.
Hugging is all natural: it is organic; it is naturally sweet; it contains no pesticides, no preservatives and no artificial ingredients; and it is 100% wholesome.
Hugging is practically perfect: there are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups; it has low energy consumption and high energy yield; it is inflation-proof; it is nonfattening; it requires no monthly payments and no insurance; it is theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting and, of course, fully returnable.
Now, let's go practice!
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BEYOND THE HUMPS
A police officer told an all-too-common story. While on patrol, she was pleased one day to see a car sporting a bumper sticker that read, "Hang up and drive." She had witnessed too many accidents caused by motorist talking on cell phones. Wanting to signal her approval to the driver, she pulled up alongside the car. When she glanced over, however, she was dismayed to see a man peering into his rearview mirror -- while shaving! His crusade against cell phones had apparently not extended to shavers.
An African proverb states, "The camel never sees its own hump, but that of its brothers is always before its eyes." And with humans, when those irritating faults of others are constantly before our eyes, we can likewise let them obscure our vision. We soon lose sight of the good and decent qualities of another, the true essence of who they are, and all we see is the "hump." Besides, we sometimes forget that, 1) even humps serve a purpose; and 2) we have our own unseen humps.
So what will you look at? Will you notice only so-called humps, or will you look beyond them to love and goodness? A good question to ask yourself is, "Do I choose to be a love finder or a fault finder?" For we can't do one while we're busy doing the other.
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CALL ME CRAZY
Bangkok television used to air the American situational comedy "LaVerne and Shirley." For whatever reason, officials there believed that a disclaimer was necessary for the Thailand audience, so this subtitle was added to each episode: "The two women depicted in the following episode are from an insane asylum."
Personally, I'm thankful there is a little craziness in the world! And I don't mind not acting like everybody else. Like the irrepressible Leo Buscaglia once said: "I don't mind if people think I'm crazy. In fact, I think it's great! It gives me tremendous latitude for behavior."
It may seem like craziness to most people, but I try to be JOYFUL whenever possible. I believe that a joyful response is, more than anything, a habit, just as fear and worry are life-long habits. And maybe I can't be happy or rejoice FOR all things, but more and more, I'd like to learn to rejoice IN all things.
Like pleasure. There are too few opportunities for hearty laughter, so none should be passed up! I don't want to take the good that happens for granted.
And, if possible, I want to feel genuine happiness about those ordinary things and events which make up most of our days. The happier I am with everyday duties and responsibilities, the more grateful I am just to be alive.
But finally, I want to learn to be happy even in those difficult and trying times. I won't be happy FOR them (who likes problems?), just IN them. I need the soothing medicine of laughter when it hurts. I also know that at the other end of my problem is a lesson -- I'll emerge wiser, or maybe stronger, or perhaps a better person in any number of ways for having faced it successfully.
So call me crazy, but I want to learn to rejoice in all things. And I am just crazy enough to think it's possible!
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DO SOMETHING GREAT
Abraham Lincoln often slipped out of the White House on Wednesday evenings to listen to the sermons of Dr. Phineas Gurley at New York Avenue Presbyterian Church. He generally preferred to come and go unnoticed, so when Dr. Gurley knew the president was coming, he left his study door open. On one of those occasions, the president quietly entered through a side door of the church, took his seat in the minister's study, located just off the sanctuary, and propped the door open just wide enough to hear the preacher.
During the walk home one Wednesday evening, an aide asked Mr. Lincoln his appraisal of the sermon. The president thoughtfully replied, "The content was excellent ... he delivered with eloquence ... he had put work into the message..."
"Then you thought it was an excellent sermon?" questioned the aide.
"No," Lincoln answered.
"But you said that the content was excellent, it was delivered with eloquence and it showed much work," the aide pressed.
"That's true," Lincoln said. "But Dr. Gurley forgot the most important ingredient. He forgot to ask us to do something great."
There is nothing wrong with average lives and average accomplishments. Most of the good of the world is built on the accumulated efforts of everyday people. But, as Lincoln seemed to know, a life should strive for some greatness.
Are you part of a relationship which, if given more effort, could be outstanding? Do you volunteer for an organization which is truly doing something excellent? Have you joined a cause which is attempting something great? Or have you ever said to yourself concerning a beautiful dream, "I could never do that," while knowing that if you were to attempt it and succeed, you could accomplish something significant?
If Lincoln is right, then every life should strive for some greatness. Including yours and mine!
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NO ONE TO CALL
One afternoon after the death of her grandfather, Carol lay huddled on her bed, sobbing forlornly. Her mother sat beside her and asked, "What's the matter, honey?"
"I miss my grandpa, and I miss talking to him about my problems," the girl said.
"I know, dear," sympathized her mother. "I miss him too. But can't you talk to me?" Carol shook her head vehemently. "Why not?" her mother persisted.
"Because you're what we talked about," sobbed Carol.
Children may not confide in their parents, however much Mom and Dad may like them too. And adults may choose not to discuss problems with many of their friends, coworkers and distant family. But it is important to have SOMEONE with whom we can be emotionally intimate.
Yet it has been estimated that the majority of men, and many women, have nobody, they feel they could telephone at 2:00 in the morning if their lives fall apart. Nobody they think would be glad to hear from them in a crisis. It seems that, outside our immediate families, too many of us are utterly without intimacy.
The philosopher Goethe once observed, "The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers and cities; but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth an inhabited garden." Who can you be vulnerable with? Is the earth, for you, more like a lonely desert or an inhabited garden? The difference may simply be in whom you feel free to call at 2:00 AM. Do you have such a person? And are you such a person?
As it has been said, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." If we are to find the kind of friend who knows the song in our hearts, we must also BE that kind of friend. And since good friends take time to grow -- we'd better get started!
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