Facts Of Life
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with...
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
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10 Commandements Of A Teen!!!
Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping.~ Why wait?!
Thou shall not do drugz
Thou shall not steel from k-mart.~ Walmart has a bigger selection!
Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.~ Total distruction has a bigger effect!
Thou shall not steel from thy parents.~ Everyone knows Grandma has more money!
Thou shall not get in fights.~ Just start them!
Thou shall not skip class.~ Just take the whole day off!
Thou shall not strip in class.~ Hooters pays more!
Thou shall not think about having sex.~ As nike sayz Just Do It!
Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.~ Just leave them in the middle!
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Fun Things To Do In Class
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as "your excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.
Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
Claim that you wrote the class text book.
Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
Wink at the professor every few minutes.
In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
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The Offical List of Useless Knowledge
Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.
The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius).
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.
The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan.
The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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Things to do while bored
Wax the ceiling.
Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.
Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.
Repeat above until failure.
Rearrange political campaign signs.
Sharpen your teeth.
Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
Braid your dogs hair.
Clean and polish your belly button.
Water your dog...see if he grows.
Wash a tree.
Genuflect to Larwence Welk.
Knight yourself and some close friends.
Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
Flirt with an evergreen.
Scare Steven King.
Give your cat a mohawk.
Purr.
Mow your carpet.
Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
Whine
Play Pat Boone records backwards.
Re-elect Richard Nixon.
Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
Listen to a painting.
Play with matches.
Buff your cat.
Raise professional racing ferrets.
Paint your home...day-glo orange.
Dial-a-Prayer and argue.
Read Homer in the original Greek.
Learn Greek.
Change your mind.
Change it back.
Watch the sun...see if it moves.
Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.
Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
Paint your windows.
Flash your goldfish.
Paint.
Smile.
Paint a smile.
Shoot at a fire hydrant.
Apologize to it.
See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
Rotate your garden...daily.
Plant a shoe.
Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.
Sweat.
Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
Mix and match the parts.
Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
Take your sofa for a walk.
Write a letter to Plato.
Mail it.
Start.
Stop.
Dial 911...breath heavily.
Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
Carry a tune.
Drop it to see if it breaks.
Starch your shoes.
Contemplate a cockroach.
Get a dog to chase your car.
Let him catch it.
Form a political party.
Throw a political party.
Climb a sidewalk.
Ride a loaf of bread.
Annoy yourself.
Get angry with yourself.
Stop speaking to yourself.
Kiss and make-up.
Stand on your head.
Stand on someone else's head.
Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY bored.
Build a pyramid.
Paint your teeth.
Speak with a forked tongue.
MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.
Shave a shrub.
Have a proton fight.
Watch a car rust.
Quiver.
Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
Learn to type...with your toes.
Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
Mail it to a friend.
Be in the wrong place at the right time.
Be someone special.
Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
Request covert assistance from the CIA.
Factor your social security number.
Take the fifth.
Take the sixth.
Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
Join the Foreign Legion.
Learn to write Sanskrit.
Learn to read Sanskrit.
Exist...existentially of course.
Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
Print counterfeit Confederate money.
Kick a cabbage.
Take a picture.
Put it back.
Go back to square one.
Sand a mushroom.
Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
Play solitare...for cash.
Abuse your patio furniture.
Run for Pope.
If you don't win, run for God.
If you still don't win, run for Mayor of Toledo.
Write a book about a previous life.
Count to a million...fast.
Have your cat bronzed.
Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
Revert.
Sleep on a bed of nails.
Don't toss and turn.
Think shallow thoughts.
Run around in squares.
Boil ice cream.
Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels.
Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
Converse...with a flatworm.
Speak in acronyms.
Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.
Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
Give your goldfish a perm.
Fly a brick.
Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
Excorsize a ghost.
Exersize a ghost.
Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people.
Paint stripes on a lake.
Ski Kansas.
Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.
Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.
Do a good job.
Crawl.
Be a side affect.
Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.
Duck.
Redecorate your garage.
Develope a complex.
Join the Army...be someone simple.
Try harder.
Hit the deck.
Cut the deck.
Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.
Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
Be number six.
Sit.
Stay.
Roll over.
Play dead.
Scheme.
Cause a power failure.
Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese.
Wiggle
Be cherubic.
Debate politics with a fern.
If you lose stop watering it.
Donate your brother's body to science.
Join Hell's Angels by mail.
Wonder.
Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
Be a square root.
Park your car...with a friend.
Park your car...with a group of friends.
Ask stupid questions.
Spew.
Surf Ohio.
Go bowling...for small game.
Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.
Hang it on the wall in your office.
Staple.
Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.
Contribute to the population problem.
Interview a cloud.
Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.
Crumble.
Crumple.
Translate Shakespear into English.
Skydive...to church.
Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.
Do aerobics...in your head.
Play card with your swimming pool.
Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
Send your goldfish to obedience school.
Pinstripe your driveway.
Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
Harness chipmunk power
Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.
Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
Mug a stop sign.
Change your name...daily.
Go for a walk...in the attic.
Challenge the neighborhood kids to duel.
Find a witch.
Burn her.
Regress.
Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.
Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
Boldly go where no man has gone before.
Jump back.
Play to lose.
Scalp a VW.
Race turnips.
Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
Sharpen your sleeping skills.
Put out a fire.
Ovulate.
Be a threat to the American way of life.
Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.
Have your car painted plaid.
Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)
Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.
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Useful phrases for meetings, classes, whatever....
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh, I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable.... Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
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Ways to confuse your professors
Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pyjamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"
Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are.
Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.
Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologise, and explain that you got confused.
Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me."
Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.
Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."
Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
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A List Of Ways To Confuse, Worry Or Just Plain Scare People In A Computer Lab
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease ohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
"DISK FIGHT!"
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them,but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until, you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your nieghbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
Two words: Tesly Coil
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Procrastinator's Creed
You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could
expect to recieve from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
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Various Ways To Cope With Stress
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it out.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.
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101 Easy Ways to Say No
I'd love to, but...
I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The President said he might drop in.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
br>
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
You know how we psychos are.
My favorite commercial is on TV.
I have to study for a blood test.
I'm going to be old someday.
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
My uncle escaped again.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
Having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
My palm reader advised against it.
My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I'm trying to cut down.
.... well, maybe.
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Ways to Piss People Off
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Beeeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your
airspace."
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew antitheft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin, end and sprinkle all your sentences with, "ooh, la, la"
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's backyard.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in coworkers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Start a Humor Mailing List and send out offensive jokes.
Steal Someone Else's List of Ways to Really Piss Someone Off
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite sex.)
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com mailto: zena_goddess_of_fire @companyname.com>
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel.
If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
While your coworker is away from his desk, put his chair in the elevator.
Drink from the water cooler straight from the nozzle.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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Murphy's Laws
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Murphy's Eight Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
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Ways to Fail A Test
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks".
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Rules Of Proper Writing
Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't use no double negatives.
One-word sentences? Eliminate
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Kill all exclamation points!!!
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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The Excuses for Missing A Day Of Work
This is a list from the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the "Washington Post". A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and, so far, I only have seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
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The Things to Do in an Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Ask people if the floors are counted from the bottom up or from the top down.
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
Do shots of cream.
Play field hockey.
Wear nothing but a towel around your waist and yell,"I'm naked, I'm naked!!"
Hit the stop button and see if you can finish a whole game of monopoly before they rescue you.
Pound your head against the wall and mumble,"I knew I should have taken the stairs!"
Tell people I'm going crazy and you're confusing me.
Wait until the elevator is really crowded and announce: "Aren't you glad you use Dial?" (I've tried this, it's a real crowd-pleaser.) ("Don't you wish everyone did?")
When getting on an elevator that already has several people on it, >stand with your back to the door and watch people.
Lean over to the person next to you and whisper for their ears only a secret code type message such as "The eagle has landed but the blind man walks alone"
Look really paranoid for a few floors, then get off and just as the doors are closing, turn around and start clawing at the doors, screaming "Oh God, they've found me. Let me in, they're after me."
Just sit down in the corner and hum or sing children's songs. Do not get off.
Back To The Top
Fun Things to do in a Mall
Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
Test mattresses in your pajamas.
Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
Sprint up the down escalator.
Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Play the tuba for change.
Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. . If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.