Black and Blue

I yelled out loud but no one heard my tears. Miraculously I was able to stand on my own two stationary, yet wobbly legs. I was afraid that any moment my body would give out or that he would come back. I have no idea how but I made it 2 feet to my bathroom.

"Oh, My God".
I almost crashed to the floor with surprise when I saw my reflection.

"Lord help me."
I reached for my white washcloth and began to run the cloth under warm water that was exiting from the sink. I brought the wash cloth to my face and cringed when my wash cloth touched my swollen flesh. I picked up the phone. I slowly and reluctantly dialed 911. Again.

"Hello, 911. Do you have an emergency ?"

"Yes, I do......"

"What's the emergency ma'am ?"

"My husband, Derrick Starks, just beat me up....please hurry....I need help!"
After I hung up the phone I sort of blacked out. I can't remember anything up until the point where the ambulance and the police came.

"Knock, Knock"
The knock at the door awakened me and shocked me at the same time. I was scared. I was damn scared. I thought he would come back and kill me. I was afraid that Derrick would return to finish the job.

"Oh, my God!Who is it?"

"Ma'am, it's the police."

"Are you sure? I'm scared!"

"Ma'am it's ok. We're here to help you!"
I opened the door and allowed the police and the ambulance guys to do their jobs.

"Ma'am, what happened?"

"My husband beat me!"

"Is this the first time?"

"Well,um.....no." I replied.

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know..........."
My mind shut down at this point. It returned to January 18, 1997, the day we, Derrick and I, got married. Things were perfect then.

"Liz, I love you."

"Derrick, you make me so happy. Promise me it will always be like this."

"I promise."
He broke that promise.

We had just left the wedding chapel in the Bahamas. We had decided to get married on the first day we kissed. A magical night in January. It was a winter month, so we decided to get married in a place where it was nice, beautiful and warm.

"You look so beautiful, Liz. Well, you always do."

"You look like a nubian queen, my queen."

"Thank you baby. You don't look to shabby yourself."
It was a beautiful, personal and small yet elegant wedding. We had decided to get married alone. I didn't really want to but, Derrick had thought that it would be better if we did. I loved him too much to argue. That night together was magical. We walked on the beach, hand in hand. We kissed, lips to lips. We made love,body to body. That night was beautiful. It was perfect. Derrick was the "Derrick" that I had fallen in love with. That night was Janaury 18, 1997. That would be one of the last couple times that I encountered the "Derrick" I fell in love with. Eventually I met the "Derrick" that I would grow to hate.

"Liz, why aren't you dressed? We have to be at the dinner at 7. It's 6:30!"

"Derrick, i'm going as fast as I can. Stop rushing me."

Woman, stop bitchin'. Just hurry up."

"Derrick, I wish you wouldn't say that. I don't feel well. I was busy at work and i'm trying to go as fast as I possibly can."

"Whatever." Derrick abruptly left the room.
I got dressed.

Hell no. You are not wearing that!"
Derrick bellowed through our apartment. The neighbors had to have heard him.

"You look like a damn slut. Go change!"

"No. What's wrong with this outfit. No, let's just go. And I do not look like a slut. Why are you so moody today. This outfit is fine."
My outfit was fine. It was forrest green skirt and jacket set. It looked casual and sexy but it still had class. Derrick was just upset because I didn't let him control me.

"I said, GO TAKE IT OFF!"

"No" I replied

"Liz, I am not in the mood for your shit. Just go do what I said and come on."

"You were complaining about how I was taking too long to get ready, but now that I am ready you want me to go change. No. I only have one daddy and he's in North Carolina so LET's GO."

I don't know what got over him, but I saw his face evolve into someone I didn't know. I would get to know that face more intimately and closely.

"Bang"
I hit the floor.

"Bitch, what did I just tell you ?"

"Derrick! Derrick!"
I pleaded with him to stop. I ran from him. I tried to escape. I screamed.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
He ripped my clothes off.

"You look like a slut. A slut. No wife of mine is going to look like this. When I tell you to do something, do it. Don't talk back to me. I'll teach you."

"Derrick, you said that you wouldn't hit me anymore. You promised me. Baby, you promised me."

"I'll teach you to disobey me."
That night was magical.
He dragged me into the bedroom.

"Derrick, no!"

"You want to look like a slut, i'll treat you like a slut."

"Derrick, no !"
Derrick raped me that magical night.

"Derrick stop. Please, stop !" He destroyed our perfect love that night.

"I'm gonna show you how a slut get's treated!"
He finally finished and rolled off of me. I forgot about that night, our honeymoon, in the Bahamas.

"Where are you going?"

"To the bathroom to take a shower."

"No. Lay your ass down and sleep in it."
I layed down. He was scaring me. We ended up going to the dinner anyway. I ended up wearing what he wanted anyway. That night was the worst night of my life. I was completely humuliated. He had raped me and made me act like nothing had happened. I hated him for that. But, out of a terrible night came a beautiful thing. That night our son was conceived.

"Elizabeth, you are 3 months pregnant."
I almost slapped the crap out of my doctor.

""Kelly, what do you mean ?"

"Liz, I mean you are expecting a child!"
Damn.

"Are you o.k.?!?!"

"Yeah,Kelly. I am fine."

"Tell Derrick that I said congratulations."

"Ohhh, yeah.....I tell him.....Bye."
Derrick raped me and that's how I got pregnant. he's going to be upset. Believe me. He needs no congratulations for what he dod to me. Why am I still with him?

"Elizabeth, are you sure you are ok?!?!"

"Yeah, Kelly. I am fine."
I wasn't fine. I walked home slowly in the dark.

"Where have you been ?" asked Derrick when I walked in the house.

"I said, where were you ?"

"I was at the doctor." I replied.

"For what? What's wrong with you girl ?"
I was reluctant to respond.

"I'm pregnant. Three months pregnant to be exact."

"How did you get pregnant ?"

"Remember that day when you had your dinner at your job...?"

"No, I don't remember Elizabeth. Why don't you refresh my memory ?"
He smirked at me. He was lying. He was trying to pin this pregnancy thing on me like I did it by myself.

"You're cheating on me !"

"What ?!?!?!" I replied astonished at his idiotic response.

"You little dirty slut. You are sleeping around on me!"

"Derrick, No. You know good and well that I am not."

"Then if not, how did you get pregnant ?"

"You raped me!"
I lost it. I finally said it outside of my head. Ever since tht night that he raped me replayed in my mind every single day.

"Ohh, so you have a lot of mouth !"

"Derrick, i'm just saying that........"
He hit me. He beat me.

"Hello, 911. Do you have an emergency ?"

"Yes, I do......."

"What's the emergency ?"

"My husband, Derrick Starks, beat me up...please hurry....I need help!"
The police and the ambulance were on their way. As I waited for them to come, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. The face that once glared at Derrick with admiration, passion, love and delight was now black and blue. Black and Blue because Derrick had used his love against me to beat me.

"Knock, Knock" The knock at the door awakened and shocked me. I was scared. I was afraid that Derrick would return. That he would return to finish the job.

"Ohh, my God! Who is it ?"

"Ma'am, it's the police !"

"Are you sure ? I'm scared !"

"Ma'am, it's ok. Were here to help you !"
I opened the door and allowed the police and the ambulance guys to do their jobs.

"Ma'am, what happened ?"

"My husband beat me !"

"Is this the first time ?"

"Well, um....no!" I replied.

Where is he now ?"

"I don't know.............but make sure you keep him the hell away from me !"
I lost the baby that was growing inside of me. I lost our son. I lost my "old" self. Derrick lost me forever. Once in a while I would recall those times that were truly magical, pure, and lovely. I try to block out those magical times that he hurt me. I try to block them out, but I don't forget them. By remembering those bad times allows me to look forward and pray for those good times.

The Author's Note

Every 4 seconds a woman is beaten by her mate. These statistics are gruesome. Domestic violence is gruesome. Something has to be done to try to end this epidemic of the world that is destroying lives, futures and childhoods. Please try to help and make a difference. One difference that you could make is by joining my non-profit organization, Youth Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Our mission at Y.C.A.D.V. is to try to educate people, get laws changed and prevent deaths. Help by joining !

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ŠPhilonda C.Johnson 2000