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Disclaimer - I don't own the lyrics at the beginning, Paramount owns the characters, but alas, I DO own the story.
(Sung by
Billie Holiday) Oh but your
lovely With each
word your tenderness grows It was the moment I saw things more clearly. Two crewmen from stellar cartography had spent the last few weeks recreating a famous production of Puccini's La Boheme for the holodeck. I was looking forward to an evening of Italian opera and this particular opera was one of my favorites. Chakotay and I attended together, as usual. A usual evening, usual attire, same people. Yet tonight was the night. We opted for two seats near the rear for better acoustics. As many times as I have seen this opera, I am never prepared for the ending. It is as if the music seeps into my soul and finds my weakest points. Drawing each of them out one by one until I can no longer keep hold. As Rodolfo cries out for Mimi at the end of the opera, I let a few tears out. It is dark and no one will see. No one except the man sitting next to me. The man who knows me so well. He leans in slightly to let me know the lights would be coming up soon. Always aware of my feelings and my appearance to the crew. Then reached out and gently placed his hand on my leg for a brief moment to let me know everything would be ok. Briefly- before the lights came up. I dried my tears and looked at him sitting next to me applauding the production. When had he ever looked this beautiful to me? I couldn't remember a time when I had noticed it this intensely. I shook it off to my vulnerability after seeing the opera but I knew it would not be that simple. Then he looked at me and smiled. That was all. Just smiled then turned back to greet the people sitting around us. There was something in the way he looked tonight. Something that made me think about this man who was my dearest friend. The man who was always at my side. But it was more than just his duty as a first officer. There was more. Something we chose to ignore in place of protocol. I could see that now. It was something in the way he looked tonight. ************** "I don't think I am ever prepared for the ending" I tell him. He smiles in agreement. He doesn't say much as we walk back to our respective quarters. Perhaps he is still contemplating the story. I try not to look at him. But I can't help myself. There is something about him. Something appealing in his quiet nature. "The strong friendships in the opera are what I find most appealing about it." again he simply nods in agreement. What is he thinking about. I am so intrigued by him. I wonder if it shows. I feel like a schoolgirl as her date escorts her to the front door. I half expect my father to greet us at the door to my quarters wanting to meet this young man. My father would like him. What is he thinking? "So... what did you think of the opera?" I finally manage to say, my voice trembling slightly. "I wasn"t prepared for the ending" he grinned. "Are you making fun of me?" I ask pointedly. His smile grows serious and he simply answers "No". We resume our silent walk back to my quarters. As we approach my door, I look into his eyes once more and thank him for escorting me. I place my hand on his arm, letting it linger longer than usual. He smiles again, this time playing out the shy young man at the front door. Eyes darting around, everywhere but towards me. I cannot find my next breath as he finds his confidence once again and looks into my eyes before he says goodnight and walks away. There was definitely something in the way he looked tonight. ******** Sometimes I think I see something in her eyes telling me she is ready. That she is ready to put protocol aside and take a risk. There was something in the way she looked tonight that seemed to convey this more than usual. There was a glow about her. But then there always is. But tonight was different. Maybe it was just the emotional resonance from the opera. I was not aware of the effect it would have on her. Or me. I thought about the ending as we walked back to our quarters. She seemed eager to talk but I was still thinking about the evening. And her. Thinking about those few moments when she let her guard down. When she let herself feel. Something in the vulnerability of the moment. Something in the way she looked tonight. ********* So I see things clearer. It doesn't change the fact that I am in command of this ship and he is my First Officer. At what point do we realize our unique situation and act upon it? I am not even sure if he feels the same way. But I suspect there is something there. I could feel it last night. He enters my Ready Room and I offer him a seat and some coffee. I stare out at the stars streaming behind us. He knows I have something on my mind. He can always sense that in me. I can tell by the way he looks at me. I decide to not keep him in suspense any longer. I am discreet so as not to put him on the spot. Deciding to be hypothetical, I ask him what he thinks of my getting involved with someone on the ship. He smiles. I melt. We continue. He encourages it. Even suggests a few lieutenants. But his tone lets me know he is not too serious about the lieutenants. I am searching in his eyes for some sign. A sign that tells me to be more specific. He tells me it could be beneficial to my emotional well being. To have someone I can turn to for emotional support. "But that is what you do for me" I breathed out in a gravely, sultry tone. Catching him as well as myself completely off guard. He smiled trying to cover up the awkwardness of the moment. I just left it there. No need to explain, I said what I needed to say. I let my hand fall on his leg. Partly for reassurance and partly to back up my confession. "There was something in the way you looked last night that told me things had changed" was all he said before he cautiously kissed my lips. Both of us trembling as we let ourselves give into the moment. We both let out an awkward laugh. A laugh of relief. Relief that we were finally dealing with this. Finally seeing this for what it is. He feathers his fingers across my cheek and he smiles, the smile from last night. The smile that made me see.
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