Time Standing Still

By Tracy Thurman

*****

You hear about time standing still. How something or someone can make the
world fall away and cause everything to stop. I never believed it really happened
until this moment. Here, in the deep space transit station, waiting for the flight
that will take me to Trialli.

As admiral it is my duty to conduct peace talks between the people of Trialli and
the Nemibium Order. The two species have been holding border skirmishes on
a shared moon for centuries, and the Federation is attempting to create a peace in
a place that has never known anything like peace in generations. Never mind
that the moon holds vast stores of dilithium and other minerals valuable to space
travel. The Federation would have you believe that this fact is incidental to the matter.
Hmmm.

As I sat waiting for my delayed transport, something caused me to look up from
my briefings and there he was. Chakotay. I had forgotten how he could take my
breath away. How his presence could cause my heart to leap into my throat. I
actually rose and raised a hand to get his attention, but common sense finally kicked
in and I slowly lowered my hand and resumed my seat. We have not spoken since
Voyager returned. I have no claim on him any longer. He belongs to Seven now.
I try not to analyze how this thought pains me. I made my choice and I now have
to live with it.

He' s taken a seat in the waiting area across the concourse from me. He is now an
archaeology professor at the academy. I suppose this is the purpose for his travel.
There are many excavations on various planets going on. I assume he is going to
oversee one of them. Where' s Seven, I wonder? I know she's attending the
academy, but I think she' d come see him off. Deep Space travel means he's going
to be gone for some time. Hmmm. Oh well, it's none of my business, is it?
Archaeology is what he always wanted to pursue, and I'm glad he's found happiness,
really I am, but something continues to clutch at my heart. I miss him, miss being
able to talk to him about anything and everything, miss his smile and his
understanding. And I miss something more, although I resist admitting it to even
myself.

I wonder if he ever thinks about New Earth. I think about it quite often. I have
never been happier than the time of our confinement on that lovely planet.
Time stood still then, too. We became lovers there and I could have easily spent the
rest of my life there with him and no one else, aside from the monkey. I smile at
the thought.

I think about long, rainy mornings spent in bed with him. I think about the
bonfire we made from the limbs that had been blown down in the storm. How
we spent the night next to it, cooked our food on it, made love next to it. Smelling
spices and fresh air and wood smoke in his hair and on his skin. I think about
my garden and our shelter and the time spent with him in our bathtub.

And I think about how I broke both our hearts by turning away from him once
we had been rescued. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It nearly killed me.
The shattered look in his eyes when I made it very clear, in my best captain's voice,
that there could never be any more between us, nearly did me in. Oh, I meant it, I
really did, but my willpower was certainly put to the test. I know he held out hope
for a very long time, but I was resolute in my decision. I still think it was the right
decision for the ship and crew, but the cost to us, Kathryn and Chakotay, was
immeasurable.

I think about lying awake at night, hearing him move around his quarters. It was all
I could do not to go to him. I wanted him so badly it was a physical ache. If he only
knew how many times I came close to giving in.

I have never loved anyone the way I loved, love, him. Yes, I still do, and it is as
strong as it ever was. But I no longer have any claim to him. He is Seven's now,
and I wish them both happiness.

His flight has been called and I see him rise and move toward the gate. He looks
so handsome. He never saw me. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly,
ignoring the sting in my eyes. Good-bye Chakotay.

Fin

*****

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