Holding On and Letting Go

By Tracy Thurman

VOY: [J/C 1/1 G]
Author's note: Inspired by Mary W's story "October" and a line from "You've
Got Mail".

Summary: After losing Chakotay, Kathryn discovers what's important.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns and created them, I'm just borrowing them for a
time and promise not to scuff them up too much before I return them. No
profit was or will be made from this.

**********************************

Oh, Chakotay, I've made such a horrible mistake. I see that now. Now that
it's too late to do anything about it.

I've been in my new place for a week now, a terrible week. The one thing I
thought I could do that would make me feel better about things has made
things even worse, if that's possible. I've taken to writing you in this
journal every day since it's the only way I can communicate with you that
won't land me in the loony bin. I just have to talk to you. You're the only
one I can turn to about this.

After I lost you I thought I'd die, too. I don't know how I survived those
first few days. I suppose it was all the people around me who bolstered me
up. That and all the arrangements I had to make. Everyone came, you know.
From all over the galaxy, they came. Our family, Chakotay, they all came
back when they heard. They helped me so much in those first few days. Tom
and B'Elanna, Harry and Seven, Tuvok and T'Pel.

I don't think I was very good company right then. I felt like I was breaking
into about a million pieces and losing my mind at the same time. Neelix came
and sat with me one day, not saying a word, just holding my hand and letting
me take whatever I needed from him. He was the first one I cried in front
of. Oh, I felt like crying all the time, but finally broke down in front of
him. He just held me and patted my shoulder. Such a dear man.

Anyway, after it was all over and everyone had left it all finally hit me. I
wandered around our house and realized that every corner of that place had a
reminder of you in it. After all, we'd made love in every room of that
house. All the memories were happy memories and that actually made it worse.
I knew I'd never have that again, that I'd never see you again. No, that's
not true, I know when my time comes, I'll be with you again. I know you're
waiting for me, but I'm not getting along very well without you here, you
know. When I come home at night, I've taken to putting on your bath robe. It
still smells of your after shave and I wrap myself in it, imagining your
arms are around me. The scent is beginning to fade, and that saddens me
more.

Did you ever read "Wuthering Heights"? No? Probably not. I don't think it's
your kind of book. Anyway, there's a scene where Cathy is on her deathbed
and Heathcliff comes to see her. Edgar, her husband, bids her to rest in
peace, but Heathcliff says no. He damns her soul to never find peace if it
means she'll leave him. He'd rather have her ghost with him than nothing
left of her at all, you see. I know how he feels now. How can I go to sleep
in our bed without you in it? How can I wake up in the morning without your
arms around me?

Anyway, I finally decided that the thing to do would be to sell the house. I
thought if I got rid of all the painful reminders of you, maybe I could find
the strength to go on. Well, the joke was on me. I put everything in storage
and put the house up for sale. Everyone tried to talk me out of it. B'Elanna
even got angry with me. She thought that I was trying to eradicate every
memory of you as if you never existed. I tried to explain to her how painful
it was to be reminded of our life together, but couldn't make it through my
explanation. She was the second person I broke down in front of. She held me
and cried, too. Finally she said she understood and would help me with
whatever I decided. Even Tuvok and Neelix tried to talk me out of it, but I
thought I knew best.

One week after the house was on the market, I got a call from D'Cala my real
estate agent. She said a private investor had purchased the house and lands.
It was odd, but instead of feeling happy when she told me the news, I got an
awful hollow feeling in my stomach.

I packed everything up to put into storage, except a few necessities and a
few mementos. Your bath robe of course, and the blanket you brought from
Voyager. The picture of us in the hammock in Jamaica. I smile every time I
look at it. How I managed to get you to move to Indiana I'll never know. You
did love three of the four seasons there. Spring and Summer, you said, were
some of the most beautiful here, and Autumn always seemed to amaze you.
However, winter was another story. You'd endure the cold and gloom for so
long, and then you'd demand we take a "Cabin Fever" trip to someplace warm
and sunny. In the picture, you have on a faded red shirt and cut offs, and
I'm wearing my white sundress with the red flower in my hair. You have your
arm around my waist and we're laughing at the photographer. I love that
picture.

Anyway, after I had everything packed up and stored away, I had to close the
house up. Gods, Chakotay, that was horrible. As I closed the front door for
the last time, I realized it was so final. It was like you'd died all over
again, and like a piece of me was dying along with it. It was then that I
knew I'd made a colossal mistake.

I've taken quarters at Star Fleet for the time being. I cried for three
solid days after I got here. Then I made a decision. I called D'Cala and
asked her if I could meet with the private investor. I'm going to try and
convince him to let me buy the house back, Chakotay. I want to go home.

****************************

Chakotay, it's the most wonderful thing! I went to meet the so-called
"private investor" and.....well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start
at the beginning. As I mentioned before, I called D'Cala and asked her to
set up a meeting with the new owner of our house. She was very hesitant
about it, and when I questioned her she said that it was possible that the
man bought the house because we had lived there. I didn't understand at
first and then she explained that because you and I had been celebrities of
a sort after Voyager returned home, that he might have wanted the house as a
tourist site! Gods, I hadn't thought of that, and the whole idea nauseated
me! I imagined troops of tourists stomping through our house, crushing my
garden, ogling the place, and I was horrified. I couldn't imagine our
privacy being invaded by tourists, of all things. This is our home not a
museum! Anyway, she agreed to set up the meeting, and with much trepidation
I went to meet the "private investor". Apparently he had requested we meet
at the house, which was fine with me. I missed the place so much I jumped at
any opportunity to see it again.

I walked there from the transporter station. As I came up the lane, I could
see someone standing on the porch. As I got closer I realized it was Neelix!
They bought the house, Chakotay! Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Neelix and Tuvok!
Yes, Tuvok as well! They thought I'd change my mind and planned on holding
on to it for a couple of years. Neelix said they wanted it to stay "in the
family". I cried all over everyone, I'll have you know.

Anyway, I'm getting everything out of storage and moving back in as soon as
possible. I want all those reminders around me now. I know it's what I need.
I love you, Chakotay. Wait for me.

Fin

Back to All Ages Fanfiction