The characters all belong to Paramount but story line belongs to my warped mind alone. No smut, just adult thinking.Please let me know what you think at Kaala12@aol.com.

Alone

Kathryn walked wearily down the hall to her quarters. The last few hours on the bridge had been grueling. The Vidians had made an alliance with a race of people called the Cycopions and together they had tried to take over voyager. Fortunately , Voyager had managed to defeat both of them and move on. But not without the loss of 2 crewman: Ensign Gerro and Ensign Manop. One had been a marquis and the other a starfleet officer just out of the academy. Kathryn dreaded making her logs when she got to her cabin but she needed the comfort of personal things around her when she logged the deaths. She had gotten to know both of them well and had been in hopes that Ensign Gerro would soon be marrying another crewmember.

As she walked down the corridor other crewmembers passed by her, they spoke as was the custom but the look on her face did not invite more comments. Her soft but curt acknowledgements only served to warn them not to say more. Finally she reached her cabin and entered. Kathryn ordered the security locks on her cabin. She didn't want or need visitors tonight. She showered and began to dress. Then, she took off the long caftan she had put on and instead took out the folded plaid shirt. "Her comfort shirt" as she liked to think of it. It was Chakotay's shirt. She had "borrowed" the shirt from his suitcase as they were packing to leave New Earth. He'd worn the shirt practically everyday and she liked to think of the sleeves of the shirt as his arms around her. And tonight she needed to feel "comforted." She slipped on the shirt which fell past her knees and sat down at her console. Lonliness and depression settled in as she typed.

Chakotay strode down the corridor and stopped at the Kathyrn's door. The light on her door indicated that she wanted privacy. He paused then went to his own cabin. Once inside, he began to pace back and forth. "Again", he thought, "Again she shuts me out! Why can't she let me in? Let anybody in !" He thought of sending her a message but didn't. What if she didn't respond? There had been times when she did not respond before. He changed and then went down to Sandrine's . Alone.

Kathryn finally turned off the console. She ordered a cup of coffee and as she sipped she looked out at the stars rushing by. The shirt felt warm and as the heat from the coffee slowly traveled through her, some measure of peace began to descend. She was beginning to feel better when she caught her reflection in the glass. Alone. She was alone , wearing his shirt. Alone on the couch. Alone. Alone like Ensign Gerro's lover must be feel now. Alone. A small tear slid down her face , quickly followed by others. This was her choice to be alone yet that only made it seem worse somehow. The right decision for her ship, her crew, herself but yet the stark reality of it was that she was alone. She hugged herself and quietly cried until she fell asleep exhausted on the couch. Alone.

Chakotay sat in Sandrine's sipping a drink watching the others play pool. He'd been invited but declined. He could see the stars winking at him from his table and as he looked at the stars he wondered if Kathryn was looking at the stars as well. For a moment, it seemed as though he could feel her with him. Then it was gone. He was once again alone. Always alone. The crew always tried to make him feel a part of them and even the former Marquis invited him often to join them whenever they saw him but even when he was with them , she wasn't there and so he always felt alone. He finished his drink and left.

As he walked down the corrider he felt the solitude as though it were a shroud. Several female crewmembers spoke and gave him welcoming smiles but he barely responded. He stopped at her door. The warning light was on but this time, he gave a computer overide order and stepped in. He'd expected an angry captain demanding why he had overidden her privacy lock but what he found surprised him. She laid there on the couch, curled up in his shirt. He was stunned. He hadn't known she had his shirt and the fact that she was wearing it spoke volumes. He softly walked over to her and reached for her when he noticed the tear stains on her face. She slept but it was the fitful sleep of someone who had not gone to sleep in peace. Even in sleep she was taking hugh gulps of air , the sign that she had fallen asleep crying. Her hair was falling out of the clasp and he gently pushed it back in place.

Then Chakotay sat on the couch and very gently curled himself around her. She murmured but didn't quite awake. He made soothing noises until she went deeper into sleep. He kept softly massaging her arms and back whispering words of really nothing but noises, but her breathing became softer and deeper. The muscles were loosening up and he knew that she was beginning to feel a sense of peace. Then, she softly said his name in her sleep. "Ahh,"he thought "somewhere in her field of dreams I'm with her," he smiled but quickly lost his smile when he realized that she was crying. In her sleep she was crying and whispering his name. He held her closer tightening his grip trying to soothe her but her tears kept flowing. "Kathryn, "he thought "how you can do this to yourself. Even in your sleep you need me." He kept trying to quiet her fears but she was so deep in whatever her nightmare was that she wasn't waking up but she was still crying silently ,his name almost a mantra upon her lips.

Finally out of desperation he shook her until she woke. Kathryn opened her eyes to see the one person she needed to see and dreaded to see. Chakotay. For a moment she was disoreintated and she looked around wildly then realized that yes she was in her cabin. Chakotay was brushing her cheeks with soft fingers, wiping away tears. She sat up and tried to take deep calming breaths. Chakotay rose and walked over to the replicator where he ordered hot chocolate for them both. She lifted one eyebrow and said" Hot chocolate?" He smiled that impish grin she loved so much and said, "Believe it or not Kathryn, there is old legend about hot chocolate and its soothing effects. Once long ago....Kathryn raised her hands in mock surrender and said laughingly "Okay, Okay I believe you" and began to sip the drink. It did feel rich and full in her mouth and it's liquid heat sent a rush of warmth and comfort through her. She closed her eyes and let the feeling fall over her. Chakotay sat next to her and began to massage her her neck gently tugging on her barrette until her hair cascaded down her back. He brushed her hair aside and continued to masage her neck. They sat like this for minutes and then she said "Why ?" He knew what she meant and he answered " I don't know. I've allowed you to dictate the boundaries of our relationship but that doesn't mean that I will always let you have your way" She smiled and leaned back into his arms feeling, for once in a long,long time, utterly content.

Chakotay began to place small kisses upon her neck. where his hands had been before. Kathyrn lost in a haze of feeling, began to drift into a sea of warmth and pleasure. She arched her neck allowing him access and he rained kisses down her neck. Then the moment was shattered as Tuvok's voice came over their comms. "Bridge to the captain, we have sighted an anomaly that is moving towards us quickly. The anomaly seems to have a magnectic field that has already disrupted several planetary orbits and its speed is increasing." Chakotay was out of the door on his way to the bridge with Kathryn getting dressed and following shortly. Once on the bridge ,readings were checked but the magnetic force was affecting their readings. Finally the anomaly was in viewing range and they could see it. Just then the bridge was covered with flowers and "Q" appeared. Q gave Katheryn roses and said " I just stopped to say you look Marvelous darling" he swept her into his arms and transported them to a ballroom. Kathryn was not enchanted or amused. She told Q in clear concise tones that she was not interested and refused to dance. Q pouted and pouted but finally retruned her back to the bridge. But before he left he kissed her. He startled her and Kathryn was shocked to discover that Q was a pretty good kisser. She felt herself responding and pulled back from him. Q for once didn't say anything just stood there looking completely bemused and then disappeared. Kathryn didn't know whether to be angry or amused. She decided it didn't matter because evidently Q was gone. She breathed in the fragrance of the roses and sighed then smiled.

Chakotay had no trouble deciding on whether or not he should be angry or amused. He was angry. Once again that arrogant selfish son of a....had managed to reach Kathryn. And this time had done so at the most inopportune moment.AND he had kissed her! His stomach rolled over as he had watched them. He'd noticed the small reponse Kathryn had made before pulling away. Then he saw her smell the roses and sigh and a wave of jealously so hot that it began to burn his throat washed over him. How dare SHE smile at the thought of Q or any gift he gave her. He tried to calm himself down by taking deep breaths but it was of no use. Finally he asked permision through clenched teeth to leave the bridge.

Kathryn heard the anger in Chakotay's voice as he asked permission to leave the bridge but she didn't understand why. She looked at him but his jaw was clenched and he was looking straight ahead. Then she realized why he was angry. The kiss. The roses. As she was about to answer him she noticed that the crew also had expectant looks on their faces. They knew that Chakotay was upset and were all waiting to see what she would do. Her shoulders began to slump as realized that once again her decision would affect not only her command but also her personal life. She stood up and walked over to the science station and then turned around and gave him permission to leave the bridge. She also said" You may take an extra 8 hours. I will stay on the bridge this evening and you may take the bridge once I'm off duty." Then she asked Paris and Kim for their reports.

Chakotay quickly left the bridge, pounding the walls of the lift once the doors were shut. She made her choice. To be alone. By telling him he was to report to duty once she was off she had made it clear to him and everyone else on the bridge that she did not need him when she was off duty. She wanted to be alone. Alone. Always alone. The moments earlier in her cabin had been fleeting and he knew that she would not allow him to reproduce them. Well, he decided if she wanted him to leave her alone he would do so, but he would leave her completly alone. He went to her cabin, did what he thought he had to do and then, after, he left he went to his own and tried to meditate and sleep. Perhaps now she would know just what alone really meant.

Shift finished, Kathryn walked to her cabin . As she neared her cabin, her steps slowed as she remembered what had happened earlier and thought about all the possibilities that "Q" had squashed with his presence. She dreaded going into her cabin but finally she walked through the door. She showered and reached for "His" shirt but it wasn't there. She searched the room but couldn' t find it. Then she knew. Her request of the computer indicated that Chakotay had been in her cabin. She sat down on the couch and slowly tears began to fall. He'd taken the shirt because he'd known that was how she manged to not feel so alone. He'd known somehow that the shirt meant she somehow had his presence in her life. So he'd removed the last visage of himself from her life. His shirt. She felt so cold, so utterely bleak. Alone. He'd really left her alone. A numbing pain began to shoot through her and she began to tremble with great racking sobs building inside. The bleakness of truly being alone ate at her as she curled up on the couch sobbing. Alone in the dark she cried and cried and cried aching , throbbing pain wracking her body. Alone. Once again she was alone.

Chakotay looked in the mirror. He could see frown lines that hadn't been there before. He'd never considered himself a vain man, but he knew that the frown lines aged him. He looked like a man who gone through hell. And indeed he had. The last two weeks without her had been sheer agony. He had thought he would teach Kathryn a lesson but he had learned a lesson himself. He needed her. His spirit guide had deserted him. Whenever he tried to meditate lately, the sky in the field was dark as though storm clouds were gathering. He decided it was time to get dressed for the next shift. He went to his closet.The shirt he had taken from her cabin mocked him every time he opened his closet. Her scent, light flowery scent, clung to the shirt, surrounding him at every opportunity. He slammed the closet door shut, but her scent had already captured his senses. As he dressed for duty, he realized he no longer looked forward to being on duty. Now duty had become a chore. One of the reasons he had looked forward to duty before was because at the end of his shift he would make daily reports to her but now he had ended that. Now he sent her the reports to show her that he didn't need to see her but the loss of seeing her ate at him. Her smile, her small gentle touches, flirtatious smile were lost to him. Her husky laughs, her deep chuckles were gone. The quiet moments they had shared sailing, walking along beaches, watching sunsets , were all gone. The daily updates he'd gone to her cabin to give her had always been a pretense. Both of them knew she could check the status reports periodically via the computer if she liked.. He simply needed to see her when they were not on the same shift. And he could see that even her presence beside him had somehow made him feel complete. As though he were part of whole. Now he felt cut adrift, lost. He walked down the corridor nodding to crewmembers, noting their looks of concern. By now everyone knew that they had decided to go their separate ways, but judging from the looks he received, the crew was almost as unhappy as he was. They had begun to look upon them as surrogate parents, and many of the crew were acting like children caught in a divorce. Fearing to say anything about the other parent, good or bad ,or fear of upsetting the other parent. Chakotay was torn. He needed her , but he needed more than she was willing to give. Could he live with that or should he find a way to go on without her? He didn't know and that uncertainty was tearing him and her apart.

The turbolift stopped on Deck7. Ensign Hazel Btral entered and smiled suggestively at him. He decided that he would respond and grinned at her. They spoke briefly and then she stopped the turbo. "Chakotay, now that you and the captain have made it obvious that there is not going to be any romance between you I would like to say that I'm glad, I would have found it difficult to accept orders from any captain who sleeps with a second- in command. After all If I have a problem with my captain who could I turn to if the two of you are lovers? Many of us would never really feel comfortable no matter what the two of you may have tried to tell us about being fair and objective. As a matter of fact I think she is the reason we are all stuck here and several of us are glad that you are not involved with her. It makes the rest of us feel so much better that you won't be influenced by sex. And speaking of sex, you know YOU don't have to live a solitary life here . When I'm finished with you, You'll have "Legends to tell your sons about"! She leaned over and kissed him and the turbo resumed. Hazel got off at Deck 2 and the Trubo moved on. Chakotay was stunned. Hazel's remarks were so similar to what Kathryn had told him so many times that he couldn't help but feel that perhaps he had been rash in assuming that the crew would have no problem with a relationship between the two of them.

Kathryn sat on the bridge, maintaining her composure. Her crying bout of last night had released so much that had been buried deep inside and she realized that she was the Captain and sacrifices no matter how great would always be demanded of her. Starfleet could have never imangined that she would be 70 years from home but the rules still applied. She could and would get through this somehow. The somehow was the only problem. Lonely nights stretched ahead like the darkness of space. But she faced adversity before and she would meet new challenges in the future. She would handle this challenge too. Then HE strode onto the Bridge. Her heart ached and she began to busy herself with data padds. Finally she acknowledged his presence and gave him the bridge. Kathryn left and entered the lift. when the doors closed she stopped it and stood there trying to gather her composure. Tomorrow, she told herself, tomorrow It will hurt just a little less. The lift resumed.

Chakotay sat in the command chair, lost in thought. Finally his decision made , he grabbed a padd and began to imput data. "Commander," Mr. Tuvok began" I am detecting a tranpsorter..Chakotay cut him off" "I have that situation under control "he said. Mr. Tuvok looked at his readings, then raised an eyebrow and nodded his head.

As Kathryn showered, as was her custom after leaving her shift she indulged herself thinking about what might have been. She imagined she could feel his hands on her followed by his lips moving slowly down her body. Then she could feel him enter her, large and masterful, moving faster and faster savagely, ruthlessly finally exploding inside her, creating a frenzied potent orgasm of her own. It had almost seemed real.Then she opened her eyes and reality sank in. She was alone. It had been only a dream. As she stepped out of the shower, she stopped. On the hook inside her bathroom was HIS shirt. She reached out with shaking hands and caressed its worn cloth before putting it on. Her scent along with his were mixed together. As tears rolled down her face she went ot her screen and there was a message from him. It read:

I love you Kathryn. I will always love you Kathryn. Later tonight I'll tell you why I've finally understood so much more about our situation ,but for now ,know that I'm sending you my shirt because I need you to know ,that while I am on duty, now in my heart, the sleeves of the shirt are my arms around you holding you tight ,as you sleep through the night. That the warmth the shirt provides ,is the heat of my love for you. That the strength of the fabric, stands of wool woven together ,are the strands of our lives woven together through the years.

On the bridge Chakotay began to tell his stories to the crew. Creating both exasperation and delight in the crew. They knew that whenever Chakotay began to tell his "Old Legends" he was feeling good. They just all wished he'd make the legends shorter. Tuvok was just glad that he could be off duty soon.

The next day, Kathryn and Chakotay met for breakfast and sat quietly chatting. They were sitting next to each other, not across. The crew in the dining area were delighted. "Mom and Dad" weren't fighting anymore. Hazel Bratl and Ensign Paul Ilio walked in and ordered breakfast. Then Kathryn and Chakotay heard a loud gasp and then applause as Hazel showed off the engagement pendant that Paul had given her. Kathryn got up and went over to congratulate them. As she stood talking to Paul, Chakotay was puzzled. Why would Hazel have made a pass at him if she were in love with Paul? Then Hazel smiled at Chakotay and pointed to Tom Paris who looked at Chakotay and raised his glass in salute at him. Then Chakotay understood, ( Tom had put Hazel up to the charade ) smiled widely and raised his glass in salute back to Paris.

The End

Kaala12 ( let me know what you think...Honest good or bad!)

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